Chandra Unplugged - No nonsense, Straight-up blogging from a Life Coach

A Fragile Ego - The Enemy of Love

Relationships are difficult, even under the best of circumstances.  All the obvious categories can line up - good chemistry, compatibility, and good communication - and still it is not easy.   Day to day living in a relationship requires an ability to stay present, be resilient, and be open.  If you do not have a strong sense of Self, an inner confidence in who you are and what you have to offer, you will always sabotage the relationship. 

A healthy ego is different than a fragile ego.  A healthy ego is self-referring; it does not need another person to say or do anything in order to feel good.  On the other hand, a fragile ego depends on others.  Because the initial strength is not there, one becomes wounded easily, projecting that uneasiness to another; "If only she would have said it differently," or "If only she would agree to do the things I want to do," he tells himself over and over, never taking responsibility for hearing it the way he has heard it or the life he has created. 

If you have an unhealthy, fragile ego you will often feel victimized and feel the relationship is "not equal".  An unhealthy ego will change but only to gain points in the relationship, chips to barter.  You will say things like, "I've accommodated you more than you have accommodated me."  Using accommodation in this way is the opposite of love and score-keeping at its worst.  Why "accommodate" if you are going to keep score?"  To me, if what you do is not what you really want to do and is just a ploy to have a relationship, it will not be a relationship worth much. 

When you have a healthy ego (sense of Self), you do what you do unconditionally.  If YOU decide you want to change based on something your partner said, YOU do it for YOU and take full responsibility for the change.  You do it because you know your life is better because of it.  And the love gets deeper.  You never bring it up as a bargaining chip because it is something you want to do anyway; and you are grateful for the change.  And if it is something you don't want to do - don't do it!  No one wants to hear either directly or in sub-text - "I did something I didn't want to do for you so you need to do something you don't want to do for me."

Be careful and vigilant if when you are taking with your partner the subject is abruptly changed and you are told you need to say it "differently".  It is hard to catch this subtle switch and the next minute you find you are defending your position rather than talking about what your were talking about.  Do not agree to a "walking on eggs" relationship and don't feel pressured and become something less in order to stay in the relationship.  Fragile egos are tricky and if you are not intimately connected to your core and your peacefulness it is easy to get sucked into an unloving, draining, score-keeping relationship.

Do You Believe in Soul Mates?

 

 Do you believe in soul mates?  If you've been longing for that soulful connection and don't have it in your current relationship, tune in Monday for a "Reality Check" with Life Coach and Author Chandra Alexander and learn why that heartfelt bond is the winning ingredient in all good and lasting connections.

1. You feel like you are "home."

2. You can totally be yourself!

3. You feel safe and loved.

Why Chemistry Is Really Important

Have you often wondered why you are attracted to one person and not another?

• There is magic to chemistry, a feeling of fitting with another person. It is based on how the other person smells, looks, feels. It is one of the few things in life we do not have to think about. (That, in and of itself, is a huge relief and something that feels good.)

Chemistry bypasses the brain – it is not about what you think, but what you feel.

• Thank God there is something that by passes the brain. Oftentimes clients come to me when things have gotten really bad. The first thing I say to them, “I know right now you don’t like her and she doesn’t like you and you are probably not being intimate with one another, but at one time, was the chemistry good?” If they say, “Not really, the chemistry was never really great.” I say, “OK, probably ready to call it a day”. But if they say, “Yes, at one time, the chemistry was really good”, I often feel there is a chance to re-build.
• Chemistry is the one thing I can’t touch, can’t make better. Either you have it with someone or you don’t. You can’t learn to have chemistry. We are hard-wired for chemistry, it is in our DNA.

It is a beginning and gives the go-ahead signal for another “date”. It lets you know this is worth another look.

• Chemistry alone can never go the distance but it is necessary for a second look. No matter how much money a person makes, when the lights go down, it is just the two of you, bare, without all the rationalizations (for no chemistry). Remember, it will not go the distance alone, but is essential for us to look further.

Its absence will always leave you feeling empty and wanting.

• It is a funny thing about chemistry. Even if we have never had it with someone, we know when we don’t have it? Have you ever thought about this? How do we know we don’t have something that we have never had? Ahhhh…that connection feels like home!!

It is the glue that holds it all together.

• Regardless of how wonderful your relationship might be, there are always times when you just don’t like the other person. After all, we are all different. What makes you want to re-connect with that person after you have been angry and distant? Once again, it is chemistry, that feeling that bypasses thinking and instantly connects you to another. When you have chemistry with your partner, you will often see him walking across the room and say to yourself, “I’m really angry at him, but if he’ll just be quiet and not say a word, and come over here and lie down next to me, I think I can get through this”.

Can You Make A Commitment and Can You Keep One?

Do you have trouble making a commitment and once you’ve made one, can you keep it? In order to commit, it is important to examine the fears that keep you from truly stepping-up in a relationship.

Recognize familiar patterns.

Have you heard the same complaints and do you say the same things?

• Be brutally honest with yourself. If you keep making excuses for why you cannot keep moving closer in this relationship, you need to acknowledge that these are simply excuses and have no merit.
• If there is not a gradual moving closer in this relationship, than the relationship is not growing.

Do you create distance and then move close after you get it?

• This is what I call the “dance of intimacy” – apart-together, apart-together.
• Closeness automatically conveys a sense of better getting to know another person. If you do not know and like yourself, you will never want another to really get close to you and will sabotage that closeness.
• Once you create distance and feel “safe”, you will have enough space and then make the move to get close again. This is a pattern that will continue until you take responsibility for the “dance”.

Do not use being "selective" as an excuse not to commit. Both are possible.

• Oftentimes I hear from clients that they are very “picky” and that is the reason they cannot make a commitment. It is possible to have good taste and still be able to make a commitment.
• When you are ready and open for love, your criteria becomes more expansive, while at the same time being particular.
• In other words, your compassion and forgiveness increase while at the same time you know more what works for you.

Does real intimacy scare you? Do you really want to know another person and do you want them to know you?

• How open are you? Do you really feel comfortable enough in your own skin to bring another person close to you?
• Do you like who you are? If you don’t, you will never allow another person close to you.
• Being close to someone, means by default, that they will become privy to your inner-most secrets. If you have not made peace with your dark side, you will always push someone away as they get close to you.

Real commitment comes from the heart, not from the head.

• The head can never take you the distance. It is only your heart (your inner Self) that has your best interests at heart.
• It does not matter how much money someone has, how big a house is offered – when the lights go down- it’s just the two of you.
• Choose out of the utmost respect.

Who Can You Do Nothing With?

I heard a great statement the other day - "I have so many people I can do something with but I have no one I can do nothing with."  We all need someone we can do nothing with!!

I guess that's why I don't place great emphasis on a person's interests and having those similar interests being a criterion for liking or not liking that person.  I have often found that you can have the same interests as someone else and still not like being around that person.  We often mistake like interests as being a key factor in attraction, but that is not the case.  Chemistry is much more allusive; having to do with essence rather than interests.

The reason why understanding this concept is so important is because unless you connect on a more refined level, essence to essence, you will never feel completely comfortable.  You do not want a relationship that is solely defined by the things you do.  Playing tennis may be something that you both love and do often, but what happens when it rains? A rainy day kind of means doing nothing; lying around, not talking, just hanging with one another.  If you constantly need to be doing something, doing nothing will frighten you.  And yet doing nothing is exactly what you need to be able to do with someone you love.

Nothing is sexier than doing "nothing", just hanging out, enjoying one another's company.  Sometimes when I am asked what my interests are, I say I have none.  (I guess it's the little brat in me!) That doesn't mean that I don't have any, it just means that's not what I want to focus on.  I have often found that even when all my interests line up with another's, I still can feel nothing compelling, nothing that draws me closer to that person.

So what's the real X factor?  For me, it's a state of being; the ability to be comfortable in your own skin and the clarity to know that is what you want to feel with another person.  I once gave someone the time-out signal (I know, I couldn't believe I did it - it just happened!) when they would not stop talking.  A key for me is if I can be quiet with the person, be comfortable in the silence. 

Nothing reflects a strong and healthy relationship more than sharing the same space, saying nothing, and feeling totally connected. 

We Cry for the Dreams That Don't Come True

Grieving is a natural part of the relationship cycle.  Somehow we feel if we are the one to leave that the leaving will be less painful, but oftentimes we kid ourselves in our haste to move on.  Every relationship has a beginning, middle and end and it is important to pay attention to your feelings every step of the way.  Unless you are able to stay present during the separation phase of your relationship, you will suffer a backlash that hits you when you least expect it.  Remember, we all cry for the dreams that don't come true.  All of us want so much for love to succeed that even when we know the relationship is not good for us and it needs to be over, we are sad.

Paying attention to your feelings is the only way to move on.  There is no fixed amount of time to grieve but rather the ability to honor your feelings and cut yourself some slack.  A long time ago someone gave you bad advice and told you to "keep busy" so that you wouldn't have to feel.  (How's that working for you?)  This is the opposite of what you need to do.

When a relationship ends - regardless of who initiated the break-up - you need to stop, sit quietly, and not start running around.  Opening your heart is not something you do easily and when you have been disappointed in love there is a tendency to close down, to become cynical, to stay angry and feel "right".  Going forward under the guise of protecting yourself, you may manage to keep the hurt away, but you also shut out the love.  Remember, you have only one heart and the heart you close to hurt you also shut to love.   

Do not feel there is anything wrong with you if you feel this way.  When love doesn't work we get sad; everyone gets sad.  Loving produces a sense of euphoria because it makes us open, opens our hearts in a way they are usually closed.  So when we realize a heart, our heart, that was once open is now closed, we get sad.  We grieve for the dream, not the reality.  The reality is that the relationship was bad for us; we didn't like who we with that person, and yet we grieve for the dream, the hope of a real connection that seemed so near, yet was really so far away.

Grief is a natural part of life and something that most people avoid, yet grieving is what cleanses the soul and allows us to move on.  Unless you are willing to feel your feelings of sadness and loss, you can never move on and stay OPEN.  Staying open is the key to bringing love into your life; and feeling those feelings (that you want to run from) is what makes you brave and present.  So...do not run from these feelings.  As long as you are willing to feel them, they will pass through you like day follows night and your heart will stay open to loving.

What Kind of Relationship Do You Have?

At the seminar on Saturday, we talked about the different kinds of relationships.  This is a quick look at the critical ingredients and to see what you have in your relationship and what kind of relationships you are creating. 

According to Robert J. Sternberg, psychologist and Dean at Tufts University, there are 8 different kinds of relationships but only one of them includes all the essential elements.  The 3 dimensions of love are:

• Intimacy: Psychological knowledge of each other and connection based on that knowledge
• Passion: Erotic attraction
• Commitment: The decision that a person loves another person and the commitment to maintain that love

Often we are initially turned on by the chemistry. The passion is strong and we mistakenly feel there is intimacy as well.  In the heat of passion we often say things that mean one thing to one person and one thing to another.  If in the intensity of the erotic moment one of you utters "I love you", it is a mistake to feel this is "forever" unless you ask. Remember, there is no way to know if what you are both feeling is the same unless you ask.

Do not be afraid to speak up.  It is okay to say, "I love being with you as well.  I'm just not 100% sure what you mean by what you said.  Do you mind explaining."  This kind of conversation is loving and open-ended and will not put the other person on the defensive, but rather open the discussion to be real and authentic.  Remember, what you have in the beginning is what you have in the end.  Anyone who is interested in a real relationship will be more than open to having this discussion with you - no one wants to be confused.

The 8 types of love below show you the different types of relationships.  Every relationship either has or doesn't have these ingredients.  It is vitally important to KNOW what you want and deserve or else you will not be able to recognize it when it comes along. 

Type of "Love" — Level of Intimacy — Passion — Commitment:

1. Perfect — high — high — high

2. Shallow — low — high — high

3. Companionate — high — low — high

4. Romantic — high — high — low

5. Empty — low — low — high

6. Infatuated — low — high — low

7. Liking — high — low — low

8. Non-love — low — low — low

Without intimacy it is not possible to have a healthy loving relationship.  Intimacy is the same as authenticity and unless we know ourselves we will never let another person close to us.  Spending time with someone naturally means physical proximity and we will not let another see what we have seen ourselves.  Be willing to share your soft underbelly and be brave enough to let someone "see" who you really are.  This sharing generates trust and along with passion fuels commitment.   Who wouldn't want to make a commitment when you have both intimacy and passion? 

So....be brave and open to love. Be authentic.  Do not run from things that scare you.  Be honest with yourself.  Ask questions if you are confused.  You have a right to know if you both are on the same page.  And if you have a partner who understands what it takes to have a real relationship, now you have something!

Being Friends First

How many times have you said to yourself that you would first like to be friends with someone before you get really involved with them and then proceed to do it the same old way?  The "same old way" is what most of us do.  We initially start with good chemistry, that physical attraction, and when that is good we move forward.  The chemistry is strong and for the moment that is all we need.

We become physically intimate quickly and mistake that physical knowing for real intimacy.  Most of the time this scares us as the physical relationship is simply not in sync with what is really happening on an authentic connection level.  Our expectations begin to rise, we have an agenda, and somehow what we are imaging is falling short of our expectation.  This is always what happens when the friend part of the relationship does not keep up with the physical part.

So - instead of taking a step back and slowing it down, re-evaluating, we move even faster and try to step it up.  Because that physical connection is so strong, we cannot "see" clearly.  Instead of being able to evaluate from a clear place, the feeling is muddled.  We may be getting red flags, but because we like the physical connection and it has produced a sense of euphoria in us, we don't really want to look at it or deal with what we are seeing.  Worse, we suspend our common sense, deny our inner voice, and try to make something that feels bad feel good.  This will never work or go the distance.

It is only a matter of time before what is in darkness comes to light.  If there are things you are avoiding or ignoring, they will not stay hidden, not matter how much you try to avoid dealing with them. Regardless of how strong your physical connection, if you do not like one another, over time, the trust will diminish and the  connection will disintegrate.  There is no way to stay open and loving when you don't trust.  Now you can go through the physical motions, but after a while they will be one-dimensional, without depth or substance.   The reason the chemistry was so strong initially was because it was open, the possibilities were limitless. 

Unless you are willing to do the work, face "what is" (that means whatever comes up and your willingness to communicate how you feel) and spend the time to really get to know another, you will start (and end) many relationships but never have one that nourishes your soul.  Soulful relationships take work - Work on yourself!  This is the opposite of "trying", of making an effort for the other person or for the relationship.  When you are willing to be honest with yourself, even when it is inconvenient, difficult, or scary, then you put out a different vibration that says - Yes, I need chemistry but I also need to trust, to feel safe, and I am willing to spend the time to get to know you. 

Real Commitments Are Heartfelt

I often hear my clients and friends say they are very selective, very "picky" as a reason for not being in a relationship.  I think picky is a good thing and does not in any way determine whether or not you have the ability to make a commitment.  You can have good taste AND also be able to make a commitment. 

An honest look is what's required here.  Ask yourself - In relationship, is there a natural gradual deepening of feelings where you feel comfortable and safe moving closer or do you create distance and then move close after you get it, only to create that distance again?  If you have a problem maintaining sustained closeness in relationships, you have intimacy and commitment issues. 

What's makes the difference is YOU, not the relationship.  When you KNOW you can do it, only then are you are ready for  love. 

When you are ready and open for love, your criteria becomes more expansive, while at the same time becoming more particular.  You know what works for you, and you will take nothing less.  You know the hard work you have put in and the broken heart you have suffered in countless relationships; you have learned these lessons well. Understanding your own heart, you have developed both compassion and forgiveness and effortlessly extend those feelings to another.  You know how to simultaneously take care of yourself knowing you have the ability to care for the other person's heart as well.  You do not flee at the first sign of vulnerability but rather welcome the opportunity to learn more about yourself and go deeper.  You know that sharing innermost secrets is an honor and you know that is something you would never betray or use as a weapon.  You know yourself well enough to know that you would walk away rather than knowingly wound another. 

Before we are able to make real commitments we do what I call the "dance of intimacy" - apart-together, apart-together.  This dance is the opposite of intimacy and actually causes us to close down more than we already are.  Remember, if you do not know and like yourself you will never allow another person to get close to you.  We will not let someone see what we are not willing to look at ourselves; we will push them away.   So unless you are comfortable in your own skin, you will never be able to be intimate and make a commitment and mean it.

Real commitment comes from the heart and not from the head.  If you stay in your head all your relationships will be superficial.  It does not matter how much money someone has or how big a house is in the equation; when the lights go down it's just the two of you.  Choose out of the utmost respect and love and know you are healthy enough to have a loving committed relationship. 

Putting Reciprocity in Relationships

It's hard to be human and not have relationships.  Relationships are connections and whether they are healthy or dysfunctional they remind us again and again of what it is to be human. 

We often think we can work on relationships, but relationships are simply the result of two people connecting and the energy that flows between them.  So if your relationship is not what you would like it to be, the only thing you can work on is yourself. 

Having good relationships is an art and if you do not know the proper ingredients to put into a relationship, you will not have good ones.  Most people start a relationship "hoping" all will go well and then are surprised when it doesn't.  That's because if you do not know what you want to create, you end up with whatever the universe throws at you.  For example, when you go into a restaurant you don't just say "I'm hungry - Give me whatever you have."  You ask for something specific.  You say, "I want french fries well-done and a hamburger medium rare."  And when the food comes and it is not what you ordered, you send it back.  This is what needs to happen when you are creating a relationship.  

Nothing is more fulfilling than relationships that have reciprocity.  I do not mean tit for tat but rather in the interchange, both parties feel they are giving and getting what they need.  This manifests as relationships that are respectful, caring and kind.  You cannot have a loving relationship unless you are loving.  If you are keeping score, waiting for the other person to do it first, protecting yourself by keeping your heart closed, you will never have open loving relationships where you feel valued and cherished. 

When you feel resentful in a relationship, that's because there is no reciprocity.  Resentment is really anger and anger is sadness turned upside down.  We are sad when our relationships are lacking for we all want so much to love and be loved.  Feeling resentful needs to be our barometer; an inner meter that lets us know we need to fine tune or risk closing our heart. 

When you stay in relationships that do not nourish your soul, you pay a high price and the cost of that is your spirit, your authenticity, your openness.  You cannot love unless your heart is open.  Remember, a closed heart affects every part of life, not just your immediate relationship.  If you close your heart to pain, you also close it to joy, to life.  Only when you know how to take care of yourself (same as loving yourself), only then can you create healthy relationships.