Chandra Unplugged - No nonsense, Straight-up blogging from a Life Coach

Knowing Who You Are - Introvert or Extrovert!

If you often look for the nearest exit at a party, fantasize about being home in your bed reading while you are at a social event, and feel drained from small talk and chatter, you are not alone; you are simply an introvert.  This is neither right nor wrong but simply the way we are hard-wired.  Introverts get re-charged by being alone, having quiet time, while extroverts require social events and other people to re-charge. KNOWING who you are is the beginning of taking care of your SELF and learning how to say no as well as yes; being able to set boundaries.

Twenty-five percent of the population are introverts, seventy-five perfect extroverts.  Just incidentally, introverts make up 60% of the gifted population but only 25% of the general population. If at one point or another in your life you have felt like there was something wrong with you because you seemed "different" than most of your friends, please read the article below and know you are perfect just the way you are.

Trying to “turn” an introverted person into an extroverted person is detrimental because it gives off a subtle suggestion that there is something wrong with them, hampering their self worth and esteem when there is absolutely nothing wrong in the first place.

TOP 5 THINGS EVERY EXTROVERT SHOULD KNOW ABOUT AN INTROVERT by Brian Kim

First off, there are those who are reading this who might not know which camp they fall into, the extrovert or the introvert. Chances are, the majority of those reading this will know, but for those who don’t, let’s define those two terms here very broadly.

Extroverts tend to be those who are more energized when around other people. They are the ones who will reach for the cell phone when alone for more than a minute, the ones who love to go out every weekend, the ones who love to chit chat, mingle, and socialize.

Introverts tend to be those who are more energized when alone with themselves. They are the ones who have to be dragged to parties, who are the first ones ready to leave after a short period of time, and who generally enjoy solitary activities such as reading, writing, and daydreaming.

The qualities and characteristics of introverts are often held in a negative light in today’s world, so it’s only natural that the majority of people seem to think that there’s something wrong with them. The reason why the majority of people think that there’s something wrong with introverts is because the majority of people aren’t very knowledgeable when it comes to introverts, in terms of why they are the way they are and why they do the things they do.

Many people tend to hold several potentially damaging misconceptions about introverts, but through no fault of their own.

I’ve been on both sides of the extrovert/introvert fence, and I can understand why extroverts tend to view introverts in a negative light, socially speaking, so I thought it would be best to write an article dedicated to helping extroverts understand their often very misunderstood introvert counterparts.

My hope is this article will help solve that problem by shedding some light as to why introverts are the way they are and do the things they do, so here are 5 things every extrovert should know about introverts.

1. If a person is introverted, it does NOT mean they are shy or anti-social.

This is probably THE biggest misconception that extroverts tend to have when it comes to introverts.

And you can’t really blame them for having that kind of misconception.

Extroverts tend to have to drag introverts to parties, to convince them to go and sell them on attending social engagements. When introverts politely decline, extroverts automatically assume that something might be wrong so they always ask if everything’s all right and of course, everything is all right. It’s just a common misunderstanding. When extroverts see a pattern like this developing, they automatically assume that introverts are shy or anti-social as that can be the only logical explanation to them. What’s more, when extroverts try to engage introverts in small talk, it seems like they hit a brick wall.

Add to that, most extroverts see that introverts tend to be fond of engaging in solitary activities such as reading, writing, and daydreaming.

Well, if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, it must be a duck right?

Wrong.

Introverts have more brain activity in their frontal lobes and when these areas are activated through solitary activity, introverts become energized through processes such as problem solving, introspection, and complex thinking.

Extroverts on the other hand tend to have more activity in the back of their brain, areas that deal with processing sensory information from the external world, so they tend to search for external stimuli in the form of interacting with other people and the outside world to energize them.

There’s a deeper science to this that involves differences in the levels of brain chemicals such as acetylcholine and dopamine in extroverts and introverts, but I won’t get into that.

The bottom line is that introverts are just wired differently than extroverts. There’s nothing “wrong” with them. They just become energized through different processes depending on where the majority of their brain activity takes place.

Granted there are introverts who may be shy and anti-social, but that’s just a coincidence that perpetuates the myth that ALL introverts are like that.

You’ll find that all introverts are fine just the way they are until people begin to subtly suggest otherwise.

2. Introverts tend to dislike small talk.

If you really want to engage an introvert in conversation, skip the small talk. Introverts tend to love deep conversations on subjects that interest them. They love to debate, go past the superficial and poke around the depths in people’s minds to see what’s really going on in there. Most, if not all introverts tend to regard small talk as a waste of time, unless it’s with someone new they just met.

This characteristic probably contributes to another misconception that extroverts have of introverts - the misconception that all introverts are arrogant.

Why?

Because extroverts notice that introverts don’t talk that much with other people. Therefore, extroverts assume that introverts think they’re too good to talk to others, hence arrogant and that’s hardly the case.

It’s just a matter of preference.

Extroverts thrive on small talk. Introverts abhor it.

There’s nothing wrong with either choice, it’s just a matter of preference.

This brings us to the third point.

3. Introverts do like to socialize – only in a different manner and less frequently than extroverts.

Yes, it’s true. Contrary to the majority of public opinion, introverts do like to socialize, but again, only in a different manner and less frequently than extroverts.

Introverts love anything that involves deep conversation. They get energized by discussing subjects that are important to them and they love see what and how other people think, to connect the dots, to dig deep, to find root causes, to use logical thinking via debate in conversation, etc.

And what’s more, introverts can do a lot of things extroverts are naturally good at - give great speeches, schmooze with everyone, be the life of the party, charm the socks off of total strangers - but only for a short period of time. After that, they need time for themselves which brings us to the fourth point.

4. Introverts need time alone to recharge.

Extroverts tend to think introverts have something against them as they constantly seem to refuse generous invites to social engagements. Introverts do appreciate the offers, but it’s just that they know it will take a lot of energy out of them if they pursue these social functions.

They need time alone like they need food and water. Give them their space. There’s nothing wrong with them. They’re not depressed and they’re not sad. They just need time alone to recharge their batteries.

5. Introverts are socially well adjusted.

Most introverts are well aware of all the social nuances, customs, and mannerisms when it comes to interacting with other people, but they simply don’t choose to socialize as much as extroverts, which makes it easy for extroverts to assume that introverts are not socially well adjusted, as they have not seen much evidence of them interacting with other people.

This just exacerbates previous misconceptions and gives way to labeling introverts as nerds, geeks, loners, etc.

It’s easy to understand why society tends to value extroverts over introverts. Human beings have lived in a tribal society so having to interact frequently with people came to be a regarded as a very good skill when it came to survival.

But because of this high value placed on extroversion, introverts tend to feel trapped and find themselves in a catch 22 situation.

Do introverts stay true to who they are and risk social alienation and isolation or do introverts conform and join the extroverted side, pretending to be somebody they’re not just to fit in?

There’s nothing wrong with introverts.

In fact, introverts are the leading pioneers of advancements in human civilization. Albert Einstein, Issac Newton, Charles Darwin are a few introverts that come to mind, just to name a few.

And for those of you not interested in science, but pop culture, you’ll be surprised to see a lot of well known names in Hollywood are introverts as well. Julia Roberts, Steven Spielberg, Christian Bale to name a few as well.

And for those interested in sports, Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods come to mind as athletes who are introverts as well.

Introverts have a lot to bring to the table. They have an amazing ability to discover new thoughts, an uncanny ability to focus, to concentrate, to connect the dots, to observe and note things that most people miss, to listen extremely well and are often found having a rich and vivid imagination too.

The more extroverts become knowledgeable about introverts, the less tension and misunderstanding there will be among the two.

So if you’re an introvert reading this, send a copy of this article to all your extrovert friends so they can get a better idea of what you’re all about.

It’s time to finally clear the air.

We Choose Intimacy, Chemistry Chooses Us!

For those of you who have read many of my blogs, you know that I feel we are hard-wired for chemistry.  It is the one component of a relationship that I cannot change.  When couples come to me in the midst of much turmoil, I always say, " I know now you do not like her, and you also don't like him very much, but at one time were you intimate and was the chemistry good?"  If they hesitate and eventually say, "Actually, the chemistry was never very good, I usually say, "Well, perhaps now is a good time to call it a day."

This is not just because chemistry is the most important thing in a relationship - intimacy really is - but it is an essential ingredient for opening to another, and to forgiving.  There is no way to become more vulnerable (essential for intimacy) unless you feel soft towards the other person - and chemistry does that.  Chemistry is more than just sex; it is wanting to physically get close to another, a feeling that bypasses the brain (what a relief) and rests in the body.  So...when you have that "chemistry" for one another it is worth a second look.  Now ask yourself, "Do I like the other person's character, because without that, chemistry eventually dies. 

Okay.  Let's just assume all the essential ingredients are beginning to line up.  Chemistry is good and you really like the other person.  Now what?  Now it is about you.  What are you going to do?  If you wait for the other person to open to you first, you will be waiting for a long time.  What do you want?  What kind of relationship do you want to create and are you willing to do the work?

Chemistry may choose us but we choose intimacy.  Love does not just happen to us - we make it happen.  The key here is how "intimate" you are with yourself.  The more you are willing to "feel" your life, rather than think about it, the more authentic you become.  There is no way to become REAL without integrating the dark underbelly with the light.  We are all a mixture of dark and light, happiness and sadness; trying to "be positive" all the time creates a Pollyanna persona that has nothing to do with real intimacy.  Your willingness to feel what is uncomfortable for you allows you to be open, without judgement for another, and with great compassion for life's journey.  When you know, because you have been there, what it takes to deal with your demons, you innately understand we are all together on this path and you are not afraid to touch your sadness or another's.  This authenticity is the foundation of intimacy.

I have clients say to me, "I am afraid to feel my happiness because I'm afraid if I do, it's going to go."  And I say, "It's going to go whether you choose to feel it or not.  EVERYTHING moves and changes all the time.  The difference is that when you are willing to feel your feelings, regardless of what they are, they simply pass through you and don't get stuck anywhere.  I have a very good friend that calls those stuck feelings "strange outcroppings."  She says, you push it down over here and it pops out somewhere else when you least expect it.  You need to be very brave to FEEL your life.

Feeling is the only way to real intimacy, a loving and open connection.  Feeling gets you out of your head and into your heart and places you squarely in the moment.  And it is only in the present moment that we can love and be loved. 

I'm Ready To Go Home

I have an inner "ready to go home" meter that works regardless of whether or not I consciously turn it on.  That means that I can be sitting with someone having a conversation, seemingly enjoying myself, and all of a sudden I think about home, my home, and what it feels like to be in my own house.  There is something very compelling about that feeling, and in short order, I am off my bar stool heading back home.

Being home is a feeling I like.  My home is not just a place where I shut the door, to keep the creepies out, but more a returning, a welcoming back.  Anyone who comes to my house usually comments on the aesthetics (I have a lot of art) but always remarks how peaceful it feels.  "What is it about your place?', I often hear.  Music is always playing and when you step through the doorway you feel a difference. 

Places have vibrations; energy fields that are palpable.  Over time, a force field builds that mimics your energy, your own personal inner state.  A layering effect takes place that grows incrementally - the more peaceful you are, the more peaceful your place.  And just like you have the ability to influence a place you live and work, the same way a "place" affects you.  For example, when you walk into a place people go to pray, I'm sure you can feel the difference between inside and outside, and that's because when many people go to the same place and open their hearts again and again, the energy in that places changes. 

Stepping into a "sacred" place, you can feel the vibration.  It is an accumulation of consciousness, and either that is a resonance for you or it is not.  And just like you feel comfortable and at peace in certain environments is the same way you feel comfortable around certain people and want to linger longer, so when the thought of going home first enters my mind, it seems to totally come out of left field.  Here I am sitting, having what seems to feel like an okay discussion, perhaps a glass of wine, and the thought of going home pops into my mind.  I guess I'm hoping for some transition time but none occurs. It's as though the moment I think it, I feel it, and that feeling either sends me home or sometimes keeps me where I am. 

What really happens is that I internally measure my sacred place, my home and the feelings of congruence and peacefulness I have there against how I am feeling at the moment.  I am fine with whatever I am feeling and if going home is more a resonance for me than so be it, but how nice to not want to go home, to feel the "match" wherever I happen to be at the moment?  I know myself well enough to know that my instincts have my best interests at heart and I never go against what my gut is telling me.  If I "hear" my inner voice say it is time to go home, I go home, and never second guess myself.  But wanting to stay is the biggest delight.  Not only don't I want to go home, I want to take you home with me!  LOL

So...forget about the pros and cons, the plusses and minuses.  Next time you are out with someone, be it business or personal, ask yourself, "Am I ready for this interaction to be over?  Am I done?"  If the answer is "yes", your inner voice is letting you know it is not a match, a resonance for your energy, and it is time to go home.  

Having A Mentor

If you are looking to succeed in ANYTHING, nothing is more powerful than having a mentor.  A mentor not only shows you the way, a mentor IS the way. Finding a mentor is not just about you - it is about your mentor as well.  In Sanskrit literature it often says, "When the disciple is ready, the Guru appears."  The same is true here - "When the student is ready, the teacher appears."  Are you ready?

Nothing substitutes for having a real life flesh and blood teacher, a living person that has experienced what you are going through and has come out the other end successful, confident and accomplished.  This is no small feat.  It means that you are in the presence of someone who has actually done the work you are attempting to do.  This is very different than taking a course or reading a book.  When you are around a person who has actually walked the walked (not just talked the talked), you KNOW you are in the presence of someone who is smarter, more together than you are, and that automatically makes you accountable.

Accountability is the key ingredient for change.  Why would anyone knowingly enter uncomfortable, unknown territory unless you are accountable for making those changes you know are in your best interests but are really hard to do?  Being accountable to your mentor makes you accountable to yourself. 

Having a mentor also keeps you from making unnecessary mistakes.  Oftentimes we hear, "I need to make my own mistakes so I learn," but how many mistakes do you need to make?  The amount of mistakes you can make are endless and the inability to learn from another is usually the result of a fragile ego that interprets help and assistance in a defensive way. 

Simply by living in the world we learn that choosing one course of action over another produces certain results; why not choose a path we already know is successful, following the instruction of a someone who has already walked that path?  Why re-invent the wheel?  Ask yourself if you are open enough to learn from someone who already knows what to do and how to do it?  You need to do the work but you can certainly shorten the time and make your journey less stressful.  Why make the same stupid mistakes again and again?

And what about those mistakes?  Are you able to learn from them as well as from your successes?  Anytime you take a journey down a new path, your attitude needs to be one of openness and surrender.  The paradigm of "I made a mistake; there is something wrong with me, " needs to shift  to "My failures are as important as my successes.  Learning from my failures insures my success, and makes me the person I am today."

With the proper mentor, you will learn to embrace your mistakes, your "failures", and understand that they give you texture; make you a multi-faceted and interesting person, a person who has developed compassion for the human condition by actually doing the work.  NOTHING raises self-esteem more than doing what you say you are going to do, finishing what you have started, regardless of the fits and starts. 

And lastly, the most important quality of a mentor - regardless of what you are trying to learn to do or hope to become is AUTHENTICITY!  There is no way to fake this quality, no way to become authentic without actually fully stepping into life and doing what needs to be done.  Ask yourself how you feel around this person?  Are you inspired to stretch and grow?  Are you willing to be accountable?  Do you feel you  are seen for who you really are?  Do you feel valued and appreciated?  Do you feel confident that you are with someone who has done the work and can teach it to you?  Are you becoming more truthful, braver, more authentic?  If you can answer "yes" to these questions, you have found your mentor.

 

Moving On - The Medium is the Message

According to Wikipedia, "The medium is the message" is a phrase coined by Marshall McLuhan meaning that the form of a medium embeds itself in the message, creating a symbiotic relationship by which the medium influences how the message is perceived.  And it's not just how the message is received but how the message is delivered!!  In order for the message to be received and understood it must be delivered in a way that is congruent with how you really feel.  That means, for example, that if you want to end your relationship and decide you not longer want to communicate with someone, then calling that person to tell him that is incongruent and your message will be misinterpreted.  Calling and talking means communicating, the opposite of not communicating. 

The reason we often fail to deliver a clear message is because we are not clear.  We make futile attempts at taking care of ourselves; we don't do a very good job.  Something in us knows we need to move on, end a relationship that is not loving and healthy, but we simply can't bring ourselves to do it.  We know we need to disengage but it is simply too hard to do.  After all, the relationship isn't all bad, we tell ourselves in an attempt to prolong the inevitable.  But if you know in your heart of hearts that the relationship is no good for you and eventually it will be over, why not end it with dignity and respect on your terms, without the drama that ensues from a prolonged disengagement?  There is nothing worse than going back and forth, knowing that it is bad for you and not being brave enough to end it.

The healthy way to end a relationship is to DISENGAGE.  That means withdrawing the energy from the relationship.  If you continually talk to one another about "ending" the relationship and also constantly begin new conversations, that message is the opposite of the one you want to deliver.  You will never move on from a dysfunctional relationship unless you completely let it go; in other words, stop communicating.  That means, no text, no email, no checking through friends, no reading his facebook page, etc., no anything that keeps you thinking about him and the relationship.  When you withdraw energy from the relationship, eventually the feelings dissipate and you will be able to move on.    

When you want to be done it is important to send a CLEAR message, a message that delivers what it is you want to convey.  YOUR WORDS AND ACTIONS HAVE TO MATCH!!   Once you say you are done you need to be done.  Initiate nothing, respond to nothing.  Behaving in a way that is congruent with your feelings gives you self-esteem.  Even though you may be sad that the relationship is really ending there is a sense of authenticity that trumps those sad feelings, a feeling of being brave that nourishes your spirit.  When you live your life courageously, you move on, knowing that something better is waiting for you. 

Your Word Is Your Bond

Nothing is more important and says more about you than keeping your word.  The words that come out of your mouth have power and the ability to create your world.  When you say something, you need to know those words form the foundation and connection between you and the person you are speaking to; if they are true, the connection gets stronger but if they are untrue, the connection weakens. 

The words you choose are directly linked to your character, so I listen very carefully when someone speaks to me.  I want to know who this person is and if I can count on what I am hearing.  Do his words match his actions or is he just telling me what he thinks I want to hear?  

Trusting another does not happen easily so matching your word to your deed goes a long way in building a bond.  When you knowingly disregard what you have said to another, you immediately break that trust.  Over time, this will not heal, and causes much anger and resentment. 

Every time you do not do what you say you are going to do, you betray yourself.  Nothing is worse than when you know you are a sham.  The incongruence that comes from saying one thing and doing another takes away your self-respect and self-esteem.   Liking yourself is the result of knowing you can be counted on - to yourself as well as others - and that you are solid, i.e., not willing to abandon your word if the moment suits you. 

Think about what you are saying.  No one is twisting your arm to say one thing or another; this is your choice.  Stop chatting without being aware of what you are saying.  Be conscious of what comes out of your mouth.  Stand behind your words.  Know that when you say something, you mean it and that someone can count on you!

Authenticity=Consciousness (continued)

3.  You cannot be authentic unless you are persistent. Persistence unlocks the key to the universe. There is nothing more persistent than the infinity of the universe.  Regardless of what happens, the earth keeps moving around the sun – what is more persistent than that?

· Nothing is more important that stick-to-itness. What I call discipline. Everybody quits. Don’t be one of those people. Staying with the commitment to become more awake and aware is a lifetime commitment that never ends.

· I had a client who had an ah–ha moment when she realized she was fully in this process of self-discovery.  "I just realized she said, I can never go back to the way I was before.” Once you start to stay awake you get more used to being conscious then you did to being asleep.

· How many times have you made a plan to do something and given up because you lost interest midway through or it had become too hard?

· No one stays pumped up all the time. That’s the reason people have a plan – not because they need it to feel good but it’s what they will need when they’re not feeling so good. Everyone goes through ups and downs. The difference between those who succeed and those who fail is persistence, discipline; following the plan you laid out (when you did feel good, by the way).

· I got an email from one of my clients. We had just had a discussion on why,  even though he dislikes his job today, he should not quit. This is the email I got from him:  

“Ok, I just want to make sure that I understand this correctly.  It’s not the nature of what I’m doing that’s the problem.  I’m just blaming that for my lack of commitment and follow-thru.  Granted, I get to a point where I “lose interest” and have made some progress, but not nearly as much as I could’ve (and will) make if I confront the desire to just give up and go home and find another job directly and neither act on it nor suppress it. Hmmm… that wasn’t very concise. How about this… Whenever I feel like I felt today, so what?  Of course I’m going to feel that way no matter what I do because that’s where I’m at in terms of my follow-thru with a job. And so, to overcome that, I’m going to have to feel those feelings but not let them move me one way or the other.

In essence, it’s those feelings of giving up that when dealt with properly, lead to success. And up to this point, I’ve been blaming the nature of my job for my lack of follow-thru rather than accepting responsibility for that myself.

Now, moving forward, it may be the same habits that I'll be dealing with, but at least now I know how to engage them and why. There will be no confusion, and I can finally step back and dissolve this nasty habit of quitting when I lose interest. And I can do that with the job I have now."

· Persistence allows us to learn about ourselves. We directly experience all the stuck places we are and consciously make a choice to not allow them to create our world.

· And the reason we do not quit is because we understand that the only thing holding us back is ourselves.

· Unless you are willing to keep moving forward, no matter what, you can never be authentic. How can you know who you really are if you always quit when things get difficult or uncomfortable? Working your way through those difficult and uncomfortable places, you end up something more than when you began. You simply are not the same person. And you are surely more authentic.

4. Living in the present moment – there is nothing more important that this. People talk about this all the time but what does “living in the present moment” really mean. Being present is the exact same as being conscious and the same as true authenticity. This is what being alive is all about. It is not about the past or future but about this moment only.

· You can only feel joy in the present moment. Even when you are remembering joy in the past, you are feeing it in the present moment.

· If you are in the past or the future, you are in your head, and can’t feel anything. The intellect can never substitute for the heart. Regardless of how clever the mind is, - if you stay up in your head - you are always one step away from the action.

· Resisting “what is” is the cause of all suffering. Living in the present moment means surrendering to that moment – totally being present, feeling yourself in your body, being awake and aware.

· Most people want to be some place other then where they are at. The key to authenticity is to know that you are always in the right place at the right time and to not want to be anywhere else.

· Surrendering to the moment allows you to be truly who you are – without excuses or checking out.

· The more you surrender to “what is” the more authentic you will be.

Remember, authenticity is a lifetime process that becomes more and more refined. The deeper you understand your Self, the deeper you understand the secrets of the universe, and the more conscious you become.

Authenticity=Consciousness (continued)

You cannot think your way to authenticity – you must feel it. And in order to feel, the mind must be quiet. When the mind is quiet, the heart opens and finally we are able to sit squarely in the middle of our life, to feel it, rather than think about it.

If the mind never stops, you can never be authentic. When the mind is frantic, you hear all those voices in your head other than your own. To hear your own voice, to live your own life – not the life of your mother, your father, your partner, your boss – all the other voices have to stop. This is the process, the path to authenticity.

The more real you become the more potent your energy becomes; people pick it up; you radiate. A person’s energy is the vibration of their consciousness.

But being authentic takes work. It’s not just kicking back and saying “I’m’ just gonna be myself and I’m just gonna let it rip.”

The price of authenticity is awareness. And awareness is consciousness in action. Being conscious means you have to be willing to stay awake when often it’s a whole lot easier to go to sleep. This is big stuff and not for the weak at heart. A lot of folks talk the talk but how many walk the walk? To be true to your Self, at the deepest level, this is the work of a lifetime.

So…in the spirit of awareness these are some of the things you need to do in order to become more real and more consciousness:

1. Take responsibility for all of it – not just the parts you like.

· Here’s the deal. You can’t have it both ways. Either you create all of it or it’s all random. My experience is that we create it all. Taking your power back means stepping up and taking responsibility for all of it. No more excuses – no more victim consciousness.

· Just because we can’t see the linear cause and effect doesn’t mean there isn’t one. Things come to fruition on the physical plane in their own time. It is okay to want to know “why “something happened, but it is not necessary in order to accept it. The why may be important from an intellectual standpoint, but it nothing to do with accepting “what is”. My experience is that - if it happened to you – it belongs to you. The end. The bird ate the worm. We do not need to know why in order to accept it as reality.

· When you accept responsibility for all of your life – all of your life becomes your lesson, and each lesson moves you closer to your authentic Self. What happens to you in a life is specifically tailored to you – what you need to learn. Even though sometimes things may seem random, they are not, and are always connected to the larger whole in some way.  

2. Bravery. You have to be brave. You have to invite the Demons in for Tea.

· What does this mean? Invite the demons in for tea. Each of us has a soft underbelly, a place that we not only hide from others, but more importantly hide from ourselves. You have to willing to bring what is in darkness to light. Actually, it’s coming up anyway.

· What’s dark naturally heads toward the light it just whether or not we’re part of the coming out process or we try to suppress it.

· Most people live a life with all their vulnerabilities hidden with the result that they are continually split off from a part of themselves, the part that they are ashamed of, and have trouble accepting.

· But accepting your soft underbelly makes you whole and makes you real. And there is no way to be authentic without going to those dark places.

· Those dark places include feeling “unlovable”, “unworthy”, ugly, insecure, scared. Places we would rather not go and avoid at any cost.

· But it is only in allowing those feelings to be – that is, feeling those feelings without getting attached to them – We feel them and observe them at the same time - that they are able to be felt and pass on through you. They actually pass on out once you feel them. And then you are no longer stuck in that place.

· So unless you are willing to feel what scares you – you will stay stuck and never be able to move on. Until you are willing to integrate the dark side with the light, you will never feel whole. Being an authentic whole person means both sides – the dark and light – have integrated and merged. Congratulations – you are a whole person.

· There is no one braver than a person who feels the anxiety of going to a dark place and goes there anyway. This is a brave person and someone who lives an authentic life. (to be continued)

Authenticity = Consciousness

I don’t know if any of you have heard this story of Mahatma Gandhi. A woman and her child approached Mahatma Gandhi one day. She asked him to tell her son to stop eating sugar. He looked at her and said “come back in 6 months”. Six months later, she came back and he brought the boy into his office and said sternly “do not eat sugar”. With that he kindly dismissed the woman and her son. She stopped at the door and turned to him. She asked him why she had to wait six months for those words. He replied that he'd had to give up sugar himself before he could tell anyone else to do so.

This is the essence of authenticity. The absolute integrity that says, “I will not tell anyone how to do anything unless I have done it myself.

I also will not tell you anything that I have not experienced to be true.

I talk a lot about relationships - how to use them as a barometer to see where we are really at – how healthy we are, what we need to work on. Our relationships should show us who we really are and where we need to pay attention to.

Now I am very respectful of relationships and want you all to have strong, healthy ones …but very honestly, the relationship I care the most about is the one you have with yourself. The relationship you have with yourself correctly reflects how you understand the universe and your relationship with it. The degree that you know and love yourself is the degree that you will know and love the universe.

How well you understand your human existence will accurately reflect your understanding of how the world works. This is the microcosm in the macrocosm – a human life holds all the elements of the larger whole. To understand the Self is to understand the universe.

And that is why authenticity=consciousness. To know the Self is to know the whole.

For example, when you are sitting in your room, in your house, and you are surrounded by the walls of the house that define the space you sit in – you feel the space inside the house is separate and different than the space outside the house. But if we tear down the walls of the house, the space inside the house becomes the same as the space outside – it is all the same space, made out of all the same stuff.

Our physical body is the house and most of the time we feel separate from the source of the universe. But it is in that physical body that we realize who we truly are by becoming more and more consciousness. This awareness reveals authenticity and the more authentic you are, the more awake and aware you are, and the more connected you are to the source of all energy that operates the universe.

How we live our experience of Truth determines our authenticity. We may have had an epiphany, a glimpse of how things really are, and intellectually we “get it”, but can we put it into practice? Can we bring it back into life and can we “be” what we know?

The process of coming out of our heads and into out hearts into the present moment is the path toward authenticity. (to be continued)

What Does Living An Unconscious Life Mean?

I had a client send me an email today and ask me what living an unconscious life means?  She also told me she wasn't sure what "authenticity" meant.  It made me also remember the woman who said to me "You always talk about loving yourself, but what does loving yourself really mean?" 

I appreciate these questions and am very respectful of anyone attempting to understand these complicated concepts.  Sometimes the answer may seem simplistic, but the work never is. 

When I answered my client and said, "loving your Self is the same as taking care of yourself" it seemed easy enough, but she looked at me and said, "now I understand why that is so difficult."  Most of us do a pretty bad job at taking care of ourselves, I mean really taking care of ourselves. Ask yourself:  Do you often do things you do not want to do?  Do you not speak up because you are afraid of the repercussions?  Do you wait for the "right" time to talk?  Do you care more about what others think of you than what you think of yourself?  Do you feel under appreciated and never say anything?  

If you feel any of the above, you are not taking care of yourself and you are, by default, living an unconscious life. You are also the opposite of authentic.  Being unconscious means NOT paying attention to your feelings, stuffing them, pretending they don't exist, with the hope they will go away - but they never do.  The more you stuff your feelings, the more unconscious you become.  The less connected you are to your feelings, the more unreal you are. 

Staying connected to your feelings and being brave enough to be who you are requires a sense of fearlessness.  Most everyone is trying to be someone else, someone other than who they are.   You cannot care what anyone else thinks of you.  This process takes work and does not happen automatically.

Waking up - living a conscious and authentic life is a choice - and it takes hard, very hard work.  Are you prepared to do the work and NOT be attached to the results?  Are you willing, moment by moment, to put in new ingredients and to incrementally move in a new direction by making new choices.  This new life you are building just incidentally results in new manifestations on the physical plane, but more importantly is gives you an inner life that has the ability to set you free. 

Authenticity and consciousness are inextricably linked - they feed one another and exist simultaneously.  You cannot be conscious, awake and aware, and not be real.