For those of you who have read many of my blogs, you know that I feel we are hard-wired for chemistry. It is the one component of a relationship that I cannot change. When couples come to me in the midst of much turmoil, I always say, " I know now you do not like her, and you also don't like him very much, but at one time were you intimate and was the chemistry good?" If they hesitate and eventually say, "Actually, the chemistry was never very good, I usually say, "Well, perhaps now is a good time to call it a day."
This is not just because chemistry is the most important thing in a relationship - intimacy really is - but it is an essential ingredient for opening to another, and to forgiving. There is no way to become more vulnerable (essential for intimacy) unless you feel soft towards the other person - and chemistry does that. Chemistry is more than just sex; it is wanting to physically get close to another, a feeling that bypasses the brain (what a relief) and rests in the body. So...when you have that "chemistry" for one another it is worth a second look. Now ask yourself, "Do I like the other person's character, because without that, chemistry eventually dies.
Okay. Let's just assume all the essential ingredients are beginning to line up. Chemistry is good and you really like the other person. Now what? Now it is about you. What are you going to do? If you wait for the other person to open to you first, you will be waiting for a long time. What do you want? What kind of relationship do you want to create and are you willing to do the work?
Chemistry may choose us but we choose intimacy. Love does not just happen to us - we make it happen. The key here is how "intimate" you are with yourself. The more you are willing to "feel" your life, rather than think about it, the more authentic you become. There is no way to become REAL without integrating the dark underbelly with the light. We are all a mixture of dark and light, happiness and sadness; trying to "be positive" all the time creates a Pollyanna persona that has nothing to do with real intimacy. Your willingness to feel what is uncomfortable for you allows you to be open, without judgement for another, and with great compassion for life's journey. When you know, because you have been there, what it takes to deal with your demons, you innately understand we are all together on this path and you are not afraid to touch your sadness or another's. This authenticity is the foundation of intimacy.
I have clients say to me, "I am afraid to feel my happiness because I'm afraid if I do, it's going to go." And I say, "It's going to go whether you choose to feel it or not. EVERYTHING moves and changes all the time. The difference is that when you are willing to feel your feelings, regardless of what they are, they simply pass through you and don't get stuck anywhere. I have a very good friend that calls those stuck feelings "strange outcroppings." She says, you push it down over here and it pops out somewhere else when you least expect it. You need to be very brave to FEEL your life.
Feeling is the only way to real intimacy, a loving and open connection. Feeling gets you out of your head and into your heart and places you squarely in the moment. And it is only in the present moment that we can love and be loved.
I like ANMJ on FB & just subscribed to the email feed! :)
Posted by: 2012 Moncler | March 06, 2012 at 09:14 AM