Are you ready for a real relationship? Most people say yes because they want one, but that is very different than truly being available. You are not available for a real relationship if you are married or separated. Period. This seems very obvious yet I am always surprised at how many people don't get this. Now I know that being married precludes being married to anyone else, and yet many begin a new relationship while still being married, and then are amazed when there are problems or it didn't work out.
If you are not happy being married to who you are married to, get a divorce. That's what divorces are for. If you want to be with someone else other that who you are married to, you best think about ending your marriage. Getting in a relationship while you are still married is self-sabotaging and bound to fail. It is total avoidance and denial of "what is" and depletes all self-esteem and self-respect. It is unattractive, deceitful, and unkind. This is NOT a judgement call but merely a statement of what happens when you participate in this kind of behavior.
Being separated is a transition between being married and being divorced. It is the step you take before you are actually single again. I once asked a guy if he was single and he said to me, "It's the same as being single." I asked him what that was and he said he was separated and had been for a long time. I told him he was actually married and had been for a long time.
The only thing worse than being with someone who is separated is being with someone who has been separated for a long time! What's that about?? What that means to me is that you have set up a scenario for yourself so that you will never be truly available. People who are separated for a long time - no divorce in site kind of long time - have no intention of ever getting a divorce. These are the people who are comfortable in co-dependent relationships with spouses they no longer want to be with in a real relationship. The excuses you will hear range from "we have financial business together" to "I need to keep her on my healthcare", to whatever.
Here's the deal - If you want to get divorced, you will figure out a way to get divorced and if you want to stay married and unavailable for any real relationship, you will do that as well. I have a girlfriend that wanted a divorce but realized her husband would do anything to prolong the process so she quickly re-assessed her priorities. She told me, " I realized nothing was more important than my freedom. I gave him the dining room set (I refused to be held hostage by any of it...) and I got my life."
And then we have the truly separated people who are transitioning out of a relationship that no longer works. This is not the time to date. Even if you are not used to being alone, try to discipline yourself to not date until you are divorced. If you panic and get out there before you are divorced, you will not be able to process all you need to feel. Even if you want the divorce, we all cry for the dreams that don't come true and you need to give yourself time to grieve for those lost and unfulfilled dreams.
You also need to figure out what to take and what to leave behind. So much of the time we throw the baby out with the bath water. But relationships are neither good nor bad but a mixture of both. When we finally leave it's because the bad stuff outweighs the good, but there was plenty of good stuff too and you need to honor that. All this takes a while to figure out.
And lastly, nothing is worse than beginning a new relationship still having to deal with the old one; having discussions with your new man/woman about your divorce, your attorney, your unresolved issues, your drama. All the sweetness of beginning a new connection is lost in the continual drama of ending your present one. This is the time to have dignity and self-respect and to discipline yourself enough to end one thing before you begin another.
Truly being available and having a real relationship takes openness and work. It is hard enough to start a new relationship when you have been relationship-free for awhile and practically impossible when you do the over-lap. If you have trouble being alone, now is the perfect time to face that fear. You will never be able to choose from a healthy place if you do not like your own company.
So...look honestly at yourself. Are you really available? Is your mind clear and your heart open? Have you stepped up and taken responsibility by dealing with your demons and issues. Are you ready to move forward from a clean place? If you have not done the work, ended one thing before beginning another, then you are not available, and any relationship you begin now you will sabotage.
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