According to Wikipedia, "The medium is the message" is a phrase coined by Marshall McLuhan meaning that the form of a medium embeds itself in the message, creating a symbiotic relationship by which the medium influences how the message is perceived. And it's not just how the message is received but how the message is delivered!! In order for the message to be received and understood it must be delivered in a way that is congruent with how you really feel. That means, for example, that if you want to end your relationship and decide you not longer want to communicate with someone, then calling that person to tell him that is incongruent and your message will be misinterpreted. Calling and talking means communicating, the opposite of not communicating.
The reason we often fail to deliver a clear message is because we are not clear. We make futile attempts at taking care of ourselves; we don't do a very good job. Something in us knows we need to move on, end a relationship that is not loving and healthy, but we simply can't bring ourselves to do it. We know we need to disengage but it is simply too hard to do. After all, the relationship isn't all bad, we tell ourselves in an attempt to prolong the inevitable. But if you know in your heart of hearts that the relationship is no good for you and eventually it will be over, why not end it with dignity and respect on your terms, without the drama that ensues from a prolonged disengagement? There is nothing worse than going back and forth, knowing that it is bad for you and not being brave enough to end it.
The healthy way to end a relationship is to DISENGAGE. That means withdrawing the energy from the relationship. If you continually talk to one another about "ending" the relationship and also constantly begin new conversations, that message is the opposite of the one you want to deliver. You will never move on from a dysfunctional relationship unless you completely let it go; in other words, stop communicating. That means, no text, no email, no checking through friends, no reading his facebook page, etc., no anything that keeps you thinking about him and the relationship. When you withdraw energy from the relationship, eventually the feelings dissipate and you will be able to move on.
When you want to be done it is important to send a CLEAR message, a message that delivers what it is you want to convey. YOUR WORDS AND ACTIONS HAVE TO MATCH!! Once you say you are done you need to be done. Initiate nothing, respond to nothing. Behaving in a way that is congruent with your feelings gives you self-esteem. Even though you may be sad that the relationship is really ending there is a sense of authenticity that trumps those sad feelings, a feeling of being brave that nourishes your spirit. When you live your life courageously, you move on, knowing that something better is waiting for you.
Comments
You can follow this conversation by subscribing to the comment feed for this post.