I often hear my clients and friends say they are very selective, very "picky" as a reason for not being in a relationship. I think picky is a good thing and does not in any way determine whether or not you have the ability to make a commitment. You can have good taste AND also be able to make a commitment.
An honest look is what's required here. Ask yourself - In relationship, is there a natural gradual deepening of feelings where you feel comfortable and safe moving closer or do you create distance and then move close after you get it, only to create that distance again? If you have a problem maintaining sustained closeness in relationships, you have intimacy and commitment issues.
What's makes the difference is YOU, not the relationship. When you KNOW you can do it, only then are you are ready for love.
When you are ready and open for love, your criteria becomes more expansive, while at the same time becoming more particular. You know what works for you, and you will take nothing less. You know the hard work you have put in and the broken heart you have suffered in countless relationships; you have learned these lessons well. Understanding your own heart, you have developed both compassion and forgiveness and effortlessly extend those feelings to another. You know how to simultaneously take care of yourself knowing you have the ability to care for the other person's heart as well. You do not flee at the first sign of vulnerability but rather welcome the opportunity to learn more about yourself and go deeper. You know that sharing innermost secrets is an honor and you know that is something you would never betray or use as a weapon. You know yourself well enough to know that you would walk away rather than knowingly wound another.
Before we are able to make real commitments we do what I call the "dance of intimacy" - apart-together, apart-together. This dance is the opposite of intimacy and actually causes us to close down more than we already are. Remember, if you do not know and like yourself you will never allow another person to get close to you. We will not let someone see what we are not willing to look at ourselves; we will push them away. So unless you are comfortable in your own skin, you will never be able to be intimate and make a commitment and mean it.
Real commitment comes from the heart and not from the head. If you stay in your head all your relationships will be superficial. It does not matter how much money someone has or how big a house is in the equation; when the lights go down it's just the two of you. Choose out of the utmost respect and love and know you are healthy enough to have a loving committed relationship.
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