Chandra Unplugged - No nonsense, Straight-up blogging from a Life Coach

Being Friends First

How many times have you said to yourself that you would first like to be friends with someone before you get really involved with them and then proceed to do it the same old way?  The "same old way" is what most of us do.  We initially start with good chemistry, that physical attraction, and when that is good we move forward.  The chemistry is strong and for the moment that is all we need.

We become physically intimate quickly and mistake that physical knowing for real intimacy.  Most of the time this scares us as the physical relationship is simply not in sync with what is really happening on an authentic connection level.  Our expectations begin to rise, we have an agenda, and somehow what we are imaging is falling short of our expectation.  This is always what happens when the friend part of the relationship does not keep up with the physical part.

So - instead of taking a step back and slowing it down, re-evaluating, we move even faster and try to step it up.  Because that physical connection is so strong, we cannot "see" clearly.  Instead of being able to evaluate from a clear place, the feeling is muddled.  We may be getting red flags, but because we like the physical connection and it has produced a sense of euphoria in us, we don't really want to look at it or deal with what we are seeing.  Worse, we suspend our common sense, deny our inner voice, and try to make something that feels bad feel good.  This will never work or go the distance.

It is only a matter of time before what is in darkness comes to light.  If there are things you are avoiding or ignoring, they will not stay hidden, not matter how much you try to avoid dealing with them. Regardless of how strong your physical connection, if you do not like one another, over time, the trust will diminish and the  connection will disintegrate.  There is no way to stay open and loving when you don't trust.  Now you can go through the physical motions, but after a while they will be one-dimensional, without depth or substance.   The reason the chemistry was so strong initially was because it was open, the possibilities were limitless. 

Unless you are willing to do the work, face "what is" (that means whatever comes up and your willingness to communicate how you feel) and spend the time to really get to know another, you will start (and end) many relationships but never have one that nourishes your soul.  Soulful relationships take work - Work on yourself!  This is the opposite of "trying", of making an effort for the other person or for the relationship.  When you are willing to be honest with yourself, even when it is inconvenient, difficult, or scary, then you put out a different vibration that says - Yes, I need chemistry but I also need to trust, to feel safe, and I am willing to spend the time to get to know you. 

Real Commitments Are Heartfelt

I often hear my clients and friends say they are very selective, very "picky" as a reason for not being in a relationship.  I think picky is a good thing and does not in any way determine whether or not you have the ability to make a commitment.  You can have good taste AND also be able to make a commitment. 

An honest look is what's required here.  Ask yourself - In relationship, is there a natural gradual deepening of feelings where you feel comfortable and safe moving closer or do you create distance and then move close after you get it, only to create that distance again?  If you have a problem maintaining sustained closeness in relationships, you have intimacy and commitment issues. 

What's makes the difference is YOU, not the relationship.  When you KNOW you can do it, only then are you are ready for  love. 

When you are ready and open for love, your criteria becomes more expansive, while at the same time becoming more particular.  You know what works for you, and you will take nothing less.  You know the hard work you have put in and the broken heart you have suffered in countless relationships; you have learned these lessons well. Understanding your own heart, you have developed both compassion and forgiveness and effortlessly extend those feelings to another.  You know how to simultaneously take care of yourself knowing you have the ability to care for the other person's heart as well.  You do not flee at the first sign of vulnerability but rather welcome the opportunity to learn more about yourself and go deeper.  You know that sharing innermost secrets is an honor and you know that is something you would never betray or use as a weapon.  You know yourself well enough to know that you would walk away rather than knowingly wound another. 

Before we are able to make real commitments we do what I call the "dance of intimacy" - apart-together, apart-together.  This dance is the opposite of intimacy and actually causes us to close down more than we already are.  Remember, if you do not know and like yourself you will never allow another person to get close to you.  We will not let someone see what we are not willing to look at ourselves; we will push them away.   So unless you are comfortable in your own skin, you will never be able to be intimate and make a commitment and mean it.

Real commitment comes from the heart and not from the head.  If you stay in your head all your relationships will be superficial.  It does not matter how much money someone has or how big a house is in the equation; when the lights go down it's just the two of you.  Choose out of the utmost respect and love and know you are healthy enough to have a loving committed relationship.