Nothing is more difficult than really listening. Most people think they listen, but all they really do is hear sounds. Listening is not just something that happens; you need to be awake and aware to listen, you need to be conscious.
When you truly listen, you get more than the actual words, you get the gestalt. A gestalt means that that whole is greater than the sum of its parts, so when you actively listen, you hear the words and those words translate into a feeling; you can actually "feel" the other person.
Most interchanges are about talking, getting our point across. When the other person talks, we are thinking about what we want to say next. We have an agenda and we stick to it no matter what we hear. And we really don't hear anyway. We hear sounds, but we don't really listen because we are too busy waiting for the other person to stop talking so we can make our point.
In my practice, I often give couples an exercise so they can practice listening to one another. I have them use a timer and set it for 3 minute intervals. One person gets to talk for three minutes and the other person just has to listen, saying nothing, knowing that when the timer goes off,they will get to talk for three uninterrupted minutes as well. Going back and forth several times, both parties relax, knowing they will get to talk and listen and everyone will have his turn. If you are always jockeying for position, can't wait to say what you have to say - you are NOT listening.
Listening takes place in the present moment. Unless you have the ability to be present, you can never hear what someone else has to say. When you are always thinking of what you want to say, the energy is always in the past or the future, never in the present moment, and the energy is in your head. In order to listen - to be open to hearing and feeling another person - you must drop your agenda, forget for the moment what you want to say, step into the present moment, and watch as the energy settles in the heart area. As the mind stops racing, the heart opens; now you are ready to listen.
One of the ways to know that you are not listening is if your goal is to make your point and to be right. Listening has no goal; it open-ended, without an agenda. When you actively listen, you are open to "finding" out something about another that you did not know before and in the process, finding out something about yourself.
Listening is a process of discovery that is about connecting rather than being right. Even when you listen and you do not agree, it does not matter - you still feel good. Something special happens on a gut level when we put our ego aside, surrender to the present moment, and "hear" another person. Nothing is more loving than listening.
Do you know how to listen?
Hi Chandra,
In continuing the discussion on listening, imagine that God is hearing the world through your ears, just as he is Seeing through your eyes..... Every time we have thoughts we close off God's connection...
So as we listen, we must hear. My teacher explained, "Get yourself out of God's way and put yourself last.." and Hear and See!
Amazingly,or not so, we were discussing this very topic a few days ago. Since then I have become so aware of those mind thoughts that prevent us from truly hearing what is being said. At the same time I have become aware of so many that are listening to me that do not hear but are rather contemplating their next words and most times don't even wait until I'm finished to make their reply... That too, is a wake up call for me and acts as a reflection of my own behavior, that allows opportunity for more practice.
Thanks so much again for your kindness in sharing...
Barry
PS More gratitude for your replies. They are so meaningful and go right to the Heart,where God lives.
Posted by: Barry Manin | July 19, 2010 at 06:55 AM