More of My (Chandra's) Story

As far back as I can remember I have always felt different.

When I was four years old, I can recall my father and mother arguing in the kitchen. I remember thinking, "Why doesn't he tell her he loves her andthat what she said hurt him? That's what he really feels." Even then,

I had an extremely accurate bullshit meter. I might have been too young to translate those sophisticated and nuanced feelings into words but they were always dead on the money and rarely let me down. Even in the midst of great chaos, I learned to trust those feelings, and eventually they led me home to myself.

In high school, I was in the best sorority and my boyfriend was on the football team, but I was always attracted to things that were a little strange. I went to all the parties and danced all the dances, but the thoughts that were in my head were different than my girlfriends' and when I spoke what came out was different too. Eventually, I quit the sorority (the only one who ever did in the history of the Gibsons) and became involved with a guy who rode a motorcycle and belonged to a fraternity called Rebels. He seemed to appreciate my layered look at the world and listened attentively while I dissected Emily Dickinson and Robert Graves.

I don't remember feeling particularly rebellious, but I do recall having an overwhelming desire to express myself. I can remember saying things to my girlfriends and having them look at me with both awe and confusion not quite sure how to respond. I always saw a multifaceted universe and took more delight in the process of human interaction than I did in the outcome of a discussion. Gossip for me was just that and only interested me in as much as I could better understand human nature.

I couldn't wait to graduate college and a week later I was in Europe with my best friend. We had a three month Eurail pass which meant I could ride first class on the train from one end of Europe to the other. When we landed in Luxembourg I remember thinking, "All these people, and they don't speak English." In an instant, the world took on mammoth proportions and simultaneously I took my rightful place in it. As I nestled under my down comforter that first night in Europe, I knew this journey would be the first of many.

I have strolled the pristine white beaches of Tasmania. On the Serengheti, I watched as wild dogs bit the Achilles heel of a wildebeest bringing it to the ground. I have climbed the healing mountain in Bogota, traveled from one end of Australia to the other, and even seriously thought about staying in Alaska. The more places I went and the more people I met, the more I felt connected to all things human. I enjoyed the experience of different cultures, - the food, the clothing, the customs - but most important were the people. I knew their laughter and tears were the same as mine and somehow that made me feel connected to something larger than myself.

In between traveling, I would work long enough to accumulate some money for my next trip. Manhattan was simply the place to be. Often times, I would walk in the Village and have the sense that all of this was a dream. I felt like I was in the world but not of it. And then one day, crossing East 51st, something happened. At first it was an aura, a feeling coming toward me, enveloping me slowly. I wasn't quite sure what was happening, but I felt the world shifting around me. It was pulsating with energy and suddenly all of it - the people, the cars, the buildings, - were pulsating with that same energy. Everything was moving in slow motion and I was aware of every sound, smell and color. There was no distinction between anything else and me; I had become part of everything and everything was part of me. I knew that all the varied forms of the universe were made from the same energy and that energy was God. Regardless of what I called it - the Source, Divine Intelligence, Master Plan - I had had an experience of Grace and that experience would stay with me throughout my life.

My next stop was India. I spent ten years with my teacher, meditating and living a very disciplined monastic life.  And then one day I knew it was time to come back. I got on a plane and came home. I went back to graduate school, got a Master's Degree in Social Work.I became involved with HMO's when they were just getting started and eventually I was the Director of an HMO. I did consulting work for General Motors in managed health care, had my own receivables management company, created vegetarian gourmet restaurants, cooked for hundreds, owned an art gallery, and today have my own private Coaching practice. I have always been less concerned with the longevity of these endeavors than with their ability to be vehicles for the development of consciousness. The adventure continues and although I feel connected, sometimes I still feel scared.  (to be continued Thursday)

Comments

[Barry Manin]

Dear Chandra, Your thoughts are amazing as your life.......
As I read your most recent column pertaining to relationships....it was my life....it was all about fear and sadness. Just as you said...never finding the right time to express my sadness, so of course, it turned to anger. It vibrated between anger and sadness..Love could not exist there, not for myself or for my spouse...When in sadness I was the victim {Poor me....] When in fear, it manifested as anger... At the time, even though I was a student of Siddha Yoga, read the right books, {Course in Miracles}, meditated and did yoga, I couldn't bring it home..Home was the battleground, work and the streets was my refuge,......Thank you for the clear insights and the knowing that I am not alone..Your most beautiful and heart opening words about the unconditional love between us and our animals brought a downpour of tears...Thank God for Shiva! {My German Shepherd}
Your words break through all the veils we layer ourselves with. Ounce they are removed we are able to who we really are.. to feel who we really are and connect.....
Than you for your generosity of your sharing.

[Chandra Alexander]

Barry - I am glad my words are helpful and thank you for letting me know. Nothing zaps our power like being in "victim consciousness". Knowing you are always in the right place at the right time is what sets you free. Remember loving relationships are not something you get but something you are, something you practice every day - choices to be loving.
Take a look at these old videos w Baba from 1970 - http://www.facebook.com/#!/?page=1&sk=messages&tid=1340134462555 and
http://www.facebook.com/#!/?sk=messages&tid=1227535183209