Looking back at my life there is a sense sometimes that perhaps it was not my own. There are parts that feel so personal, so intimate, and there are other aspects that seem so disconnected, so obscure. Perhaps the intimate parts are when I allowed myself to feel, to establish a direct link between my heart and my brain. Only at this point would I be able to intellectually understand a little of what had just happened. The realness of these times had nothing to do with whether I was happy or sad but all to do with the connection I had made with my heart. Most important was my willingness to allow the feelings to just be, regardless of what they were.
I figured out some time ago that thinking was a luxury I would allow myself as long as I directly experienced my life. I could feel the process happening. A feeling would arise and it would be something different than I was expecting. Somehow I needed it to make sense, to somehow fit into a framework that felt comfortable. The thinking would start and in short order it was categorized, measured and fit into a familiar slot. Watching this dynamic occur again and again, I began to realize that the minute we think a rationalization takes place; an excuse for not feeling those new and uncomfortable feelings. This thought process may bring us an instant dose of solace but it ultimately robs us of stretching the boundaries of our experience. Thinking our way through life always keeps us one step away from the action. True living occurs in the moment and thinking takes us out of it.
To say that most of us come into this universe without the necessary tools to fully experience our lives is true but not quite accurate. Maybe this is the way it is supposed to be. Perhaps the truth is more subtle, a maze so obvious that we totally miss it. T.S. Eliot says, "It is ending up where you began but knowing the place for the first time." Let us assume that everything we have ever experienced is stored somewhere in our computer chip. How then do I accurately look at my life allowing it to be as real as possible and not distorting the parts I have difficulty accepting? What does "ending up where you began" mean? How do I move back from a place that has become so convoluted, so confused, to place of clarity? Is my life simply a series of random acts strung together creating a panorama that has no coherence and no gestalt, or is there a method to this madness?
There is a way the universe unfolds whether anyone gets it or not. Each one of us has to find a way that gives a sense of congruity, equanimity, dignity. We can not arbitrarily decide where to make the cut, to place one experience in the realm of random and another in the pre-destined category. What is true is true all the time.
It seems to me the only way to make peace with your life is to trust it.
There is no way to control it. The forms of the universe are unending and tackling and crushing one manifestation only gives rise to another. It is better to observe with awe and wonder the infinite variety of presentations and do the best we can do at every moment. Sometimes we make good choices, sometimes lousy ones. It is not about one life being better or worse than another. Sometimes people say, "Why did this happen to me?" I say, "Because what happened to me did not happen to you." It's a life. Yours is yours and mine is mine. Either we accept responsibility for our lives or we do not.
Accepting responsibility does not mean we know the reason something happened to us. It's nice to know or at least get a sense of what is going on, but can we ever really know why things happen? Taking responsibility for a life means feeling connected to that life. I own my life -- the good, the bad and the ugly. It is not an accident, not even one, little, tiny part of it. This does not mean that there was not room for improvement or that I might not do things differently from where I now stand. All it means is that I trust the process.
It is from this place of trust and this place only that we can begin to connect to our lives and make them real. Trust has the ability to put fear in its proper perspective. When we trust, we feel the fear but do it anyway. We are brave enough to feel afraid and stay with that feeling even though it is uncomfortable and very unpleasant. After all, it is fear that has disconnected us from our lives. All our unpleasant feelings become stuffed away with the assumption being that if they are truly felt they just might annihilate us. As more and more feelings are jammed inside they begin to gain critical mass. Although this process bypasses the intellect, our being is aware of what is going on and compensates by becoming even more clever in keeping those feelings at bay. The ultimate paradox is that it is only through those feelings that we are liberated.
We must go back. We must begin again. If we look at our life the same way we always have we will end up with the same results. That's fine if we feel the way we want to feel and our life is going exactly as we want it to go. But, if there is an incongruity between what we say we want and the life we live every day, we need to be willing to look at our life in a new way. This is never easy.
It takes tremendous ego strength and internal fortitude to delve into unknown territory. What we are talking about here is the "healthy ego," a sense of self that is strong enough to withstand scrutiny, some criticism, and ultimately change. What is unknown is outside our conscious mind. It produces chaos, a feeling of being out of control. The more we are able to stretch our consciousness, move outside the familiar feelings, the more we are able to expand our way of looking at the world. What ostensibly appears to be chaos becomes the energy that moves us out of that stuck place and provides us with the opportunity to grow. What initially is uncomfortable, ultimately nourishes our soul.
When our soul is nourished, our life takes on a meaning all its own. The reasons for doing things fall by the wayside and there is simply a movement so fluid, so effortless, that at times we wonder what all the fuss was about. Our life ceases to be conditional in any aspect. We no longer do something we don't like because we hope it is a stepping stone to something we do like or work with people who undermine our creativity in the hopes that they will be instrumental in advancing our career. When our soul is being fed, suddenly things simply become what they are. We do the work we love and we are around the people who make us feel good. The glaring distinction between who I really am and my life in the world is gone. There is congruity and that oneness brings peace and inner contentment.
This does not mean that the rest of our life is on coast. All it means is that for the moment we can pause and enjoy the feeling. We have done a good job and now it is time to take the next plunge.
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