Do You Dance The Dance of Intimacy?

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November 25, 2009

Do You Dance The Dance of Intimacy?

Do you and your partner do “the Dance of Intimacy?” If you are still doing the “come close/go away” dance, learn how to stop and make a real connection.

Recognize the pursurer-distancer pattern. Which one are you?

I guess it really does not matter which part you play; when you participate, you keep the dance going.
Regardless of what your partner is doing, take responsibility for your behavior. Remember, it takes two to tango.
Stopping the dysfunction means you are willing to stop what YOU are doing. Do not focus on your partner. When you focus on someone else, you never have the power to change

Self-validate. Don’t share only to get agreement for your viewpoint.

Confidence that comes from an inner life is very appealing. Bravado that comes from the ego is not.
To be self-referring means that you are not waiting for another to validate your way of looking at the world, but rather you look to yourself to do that.
Do not share just to get consensus for your point of view. That is not sharing; it is manipulation.

It’s not if couples fight, it’s “how” they fight that matters.

At some point, all couples disagree with one another. This is simply what happens in life and not a big deal.
If you know how to “fight”, these disagreements can actually bring you closer.
Respectfully allowing another to disagree with you without making the other person “wrong” is an art, and the foundation of all good and healthy communication.

Don’t think when the other person is talking.

It is very rude to be thinking what you are going to say next when the other person is talking. You cannot listen when you are focused on what you are going to say.
Set rules for talking to one another and follow them.
Stop talking if you are constantly interrupted. Tell your partner when you are done talking, he can talk for three minutes and you will listen and not interrupt him. This way you will both learn how to talk and listen without interruption.

Everyone is scared in unknown territory. Be brave.

Doing it a different way is always scary at first but the only way to move in a new direction.
Being on the same page means both partners take responsibility for changing themselves.
Stay centered and focused on YOU. We change because we want to change - that's it.