Talking Your Relationship to Death

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November 11, 2009

Talking Your Relationship to Death

Are you addicted to relationship talk: “Where are we in this relationship? I feel I need a commitment from you. We need to talk.” If your relationship is dying a slow death by talking about it ad nausea, learn how to stop talking about your life and start living it.

Constant discussion is an addiction. This has nothing to do with the actual relationship.
- Constantly talking about the relationship becomes a substitute for actually living one.
- Constant discussion is an addiction and keeps you anesthetized.
- When you stay focused in your head, rather than your heart, you are always one step away from connecting.

Stop calling family and friends to gain consensus for your point of view.
- Are you doing this? Be really honest with yourself.
- When you are always giving your point of view and have the need for someone to agree with you, this has nothing to do with feeling right and all to do with wanting to be right.
- Gaining consensus for your point of view is all about the ego. The truth is you feel bad and are looking for the person on the other end of the phone to make you feel good. This is simply a momentary high and will not last very long before you have to pick up the phone and call someone else.

Do you feel rejected if you do not get the answer you want from your partner?
- Is it okay to discuss differing points of view and not be invested in getting the other person to see it your way? Can you be with someone who sees it differently than you do?
- This does not mean you put up with behavior that is disrespectful or objectionable, but rather that you do not “try” and change someone else.
- People change because they want to change. Simply express how you feel and see what the other person does.

Do you need to know where your partner is all the time?
- Constant “relationship” talk is always about insecurity and often results in having to know where your partner is at every minute.
- This behavior is very unattractive and ultimately will destroy the relationship.
- Look at your cell phone. Do you call your “partner” more than once a day just to check-in? How do you feel when you can’t get through?

Do you get anxious when you think of being alone?
- If you cannot be alone, cannot enjoy your own company, you can never have a healthy relationship.
- The ability to be alone is probably the most important factor in having a successful relationship.
- If you do not like your own company and cannot be alone, you will constantly talk rather than face that fear.