What Does "loving your Self" mean?

We often hear the phrase “You can’t love anyone else until you love yourself” but what does “Loving yourself “really mean? Only when you know and love yourself are you ready for real loving.

1. Loving yourself means taking care of your SELF.
   • A client once asked me. “I know this probably seems obvious, but what does “loving yourself” mean in real life?” I loved the question because it is not as obvious as it sounds.
   • Loving your “Self” means that you know how to take care of your Self. It means that you take responsibility for your well-being and happiness and figure out what you need to feel good.
   • Taking care of your Self applies to both your physical and emotional self – You become your own caring, loving parent.

2. No one can fill that emptiness inside you - except for you. Do not look to someone else to fill that “hole”.
   • If you are born a human, you will have a human struggle, and that struggle is about filling that emptiness inside.
   • Every one of us deals with that emptiness and we are all faced with making peace with the process.
   • When you expect someone else to make you happy, you are projecting your feelings of incompleteness on another and this will never work. Only you and you alone, can heal your Self.

3. You attract to you who you really are – this is always accurate.
   • We always get a good match for where we are at the moment.
   • Look at whom you are attracting and take responsibility for that “pull”.
   • Take responsibility for whatever relationship you are in. Perhaps there’s a lesson that needs to be learned.

4. Ask yourself “What makes me feel good? What do I like?” You need to like yourself before you can love yourself.
   • Figuring out what makes us feel good is a lifetime process. In order to do this, we cannot care what anyone else thinks and need to quiet all those other voices in our head other than our own.
   • The mind needs to be quiet.  If your mind is always going, always frantic, you will never be able to figure out who YOU are.
   • Eliminate the words “should” and “ought” from your vocabulary. (When we say we “should” do something, it is usually the opposite of what we really feel like doing.)

Comments

[James]

This Blog Entry is featured on the Personal Development Carnival. Check it out here:

http://www.thenext45years.com/2008/07/personal-development-carnival-issue-42.html

[Jeanie Marshall]

Chandra,

I appreciate your thoughtful and succinct article on a really important topic.

Many blessings,
Jeanie

[Butler Project]

Great post!

I especially loved what you said about "should" and "ought." I made such a positive change in my own life when I quit using those words! I cringe when others say them.

Thanks for an excellent reminder about loving yourself.

[Carolyn Stone]

Jeanie--

I love ypur Many Blessings closing--I'm going to use it :)

[chandra alexander, msw]

Thanks for the comment and being part of the journey. I wish you the very best!

[Judy]

Someone told me, "Stop 'shoulding' on yourself." I spend the better part of the last 20 years doing what I thought I 'should do.' I stayed in a dysfunctional marriage because of guilts and 'shoulds.' I take full responsibility for the development of my marriage relationship as it was. I have learned that I had taught my husband that it was OK to treat me badly. I so understand what Chandra means when she says, that 'you' feel guilty when you are doing something that you don't want to do....I am not a young woman, but having finally freed myself to get happy, I feel younger than I have in years. I know that I made the best choice for me. I have finally begun to take care of me. I thank Chandra whose books, tapes, workshops and blogs have been so influential to getting me to make a choice to 'save myself.' Thank you Chandra... Judy

[chandra alexander, msw]

You are welcome. BRAVO! BRAVO! BRAVO! You got it. Chandra

[Mary]

I am just at the beginning of taking responsibility for my own choices. Letting go of being the victim, and like other posts on your sight, realizing I taught people it was okay. Then, I would scramble around to get some strand of affection, a pattern I learned in my early years. I turn to your website often for comfort and strength. Instead of running to a new partner to help fill my emptiness, I am living through the process on my own. Thank you for your insight. I am building confidence in my journey.

[Chandra Alexander]

Mary - Thank you for sharing your insights. I am so glad some of what I say has been able to point you in the right direction and ease your journey. Confidence comes from doing the hard work - that's what gives self-respect and self-esteem. You need to be brave not to run to a new partner for that momentary fix. Bravo. Good job!!

[Mary]

Dear Chandra and followers,
Today is Christmas day, and I have been given an amazing gift. I have been "inviting the creepies in", and living through the anxiety of change. This is the first Christmas in 20 years that I have woken up alone. However, I don't feel alone, a good spirit is with me. I went for a long walk, saw several smiling faces, and lifted up my hands to a higher power to say thank you. Feeling loved and secure inside my own skin has been a challenge for me. I did attract a partner in my life that matched that frequency - leaving my self esteem falling farther and farther. It's me that can change that, and I am.
Thank you Chandra, and bless you!

[Chandra Alexander]

What a great comment on Christmas!! Spending time alone and being able to enjoy your own company is the ONLY way to have a healthy relationship. I wish you the very best and know with this attitude you will be able to create loving relationships. Have a great holiday and a fabulous New Year.