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March 18, 2009


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I'm glad to see you talk about this topic, the repetition compulsion in relationships, because it is so powerful and important. So many people suffer in these repetitive relationships without ever understanding why they keep happening. However, understanding is still not enough, I've found.

I think it's a really tricky paradoxical situation trying to figure out how to respond even once becomes aware. I wrote about this in my post Choosing Intimate Partners: To Repeat or Not to Repeat?. I'm hoping to open up more dialogue there about this topic at

Thanks for addressing it. We need it brought up more widely.


Thanks for the post. Indeed it is really unhealthy and it can also affect your decision in life. Through meditation we can look deep into ourselves, we can look what is the deep hole inside us.


Chandra, my question for you then is ... how do we fix our chooser? When I selected my last ex-boyfriend, he seemed like the opposite of unavailable. He was doting and sweet and always seemed ready and willing to talk about things. He wasn't as warm and outgoing as I was, but he didn't seem unavailable to me, just aloof. Well, his lack of availability eventually began to come out as the relationship deepened and became more serious, he seemed to withdraw and i became frantic trying to get him to pay attention to me. I blamed myself for everything. I have spent the time since we broke up trying to figure out how I can fix my chooser. I have stopped dating and have been working on myself, being alone, getting things in life down that i need and just really trying to figure out how to fix my chooser. Are there any signs to be on the lookout for? I gather someday I will want to get back out there, but I just don't trust myself anymore!

Chandra Alexander, MSW

When you say "trying to fix your chooser" are you referring to attempting to fix the person you have selected? If that is what you are referring to - that will never work. We can NEVER fix anyone else, only ourselves. The minute the "franticness" sets it, that is a good indication that you are going down the wrong path. The reason we become "frantic" is because we cannot do it for someone else, cannot control how someone else behaves. Good strong healthy realtionships are the opposite of frantic - they are relaxed, laid-back, at ease. The minute you feel someone pulling away, you need to address the situation in a dignified and respectful way but with firm boundaries letting the other person know that behavior is unacceptable.


Great subject and great post! I'm only 23 but I've been trying to start a blog about relationships and just anything else in general that I learn about in life. Would you mind if I reposted your post on my blog, and added a link to your blog site? You can visit my site at Let me know. Thanks! :)

Chandra Alexander

Sure - go ahead and post the entry if you feel it will be of benefit to your readers. Would appreciate a link back to my blog. Thanks - Chandra

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