ASK CHANDRA ANYTHING

Everyday I get emails asking about intimacy, sex, affairs, abusive relationships, whether to leave or stay, the differences between men and women, disciplining children, money issues, meditation, consciousness, and work.  Now I know life can be very joyful, but it is also very difficult.  Sometimes all we need is a "time out" to get clear and other times we need an answer from someone who just might know some things we don't know and see things from a different perspective.

Rather than answer each email one by one, Ask Chandra Anything, is an opportunity for us all to learn from one another, from our mistakes, as well as our successes.   To post a question, simply scroll down and enter your question in the comment box.  I will do my best to answer all your questions but just remember to be brief and to the point.  If you would like to remain anonymous, please do not put in your name.  

Comments

[Totalmedtranscription]

Hi
It is a very nice and good post and I like it

[Totalmedtranscription]

Hi
It is a very nice and good post and I like it

[Anonymous]

I am wondering about healthy boundaries for old romantic interests turned "friends", in the context of a new committed, loving relationship. We both have these friends from our past, and at times, they can seem threatening. Are they something we need to accept as part of the whole package of the person we are choosing? Is this an opportunity to display trust or recognize a threat?

[Chandra Alexander, MSW]

Without trust and respect you have nothing. Ask yourself: Have you or your partner behaved in any way that would be interpreted as unloving to one another? If the answer is no,this is simply life. If you merely come to this relationship with ex. lovers (who are now friends)from another time - join the club. We all have had "other" relationships. I would think at some point who we are, the people we like, are not negotiable. As long as these prior relationships do not take priority over the one you have now,I would never say a word. The deal is NOW and staying focused on the now. I always trust until I am given a reason not to trust. And just incidentently,no one can be a "threat" unless you and your partner are open to that.

[brenda hyland]

Good morning!!!

How do you keep an ex-husband (divorced 4 yrs - married for 16 yrs) from getting under your skin (we have 3 children 16, 14 and 11). He is remarried, got girlfriend pregnant, she has 3 children from 3 other men (never married any of them). My ex blames me that the kids don't want to spend time with him and his new family. He drains my chi - I allow it. I won't to stop. I'm always afraid he will bring me to court for child alienation. He had 3 court dates all of which he cancels the day of the trial.

tks
brenda

[js]

Is there a right or wrong way to leave someone?

[S Gathman]

How do you deal with a narcisistic spouse? How can that behavior be recognized by that person and be changed?

[Chandra's fan]

Good Morning,

I was robbed of over $250,000 worth of jewelry that was very dear to me (engagements ring, wedding bands, Rolexes). I had just moved into a newly constructed home. There was no forced entry and I had only taken the most important things off for a couple of hours to go and buy a safe. The developer admits to keeping a key and it was stored only one home away from mine at the time. I can't claim the insurance because my husband, who normally takes care of that just totally dropped the ball and had us underinsured. So I am trying to deal with the loss, betrayal and anger but I feel stuck. It's not a time when we can just go out and replace those things. I am having trouble moving on.
Please help,

[Chandra Alexander, MSW]

Question - How do you keep an ex-husband (divorced 4 yrs - married for 16 yrs) from getting under your skin (we have 3 children 16, 14 and 11). He is remarried, got girlfriend pregnant, she has 3 children from 3 other men (never married any of them). My ex blames me that the kids don't want to spend time with him and his new family. He drains my chi - I allow it. I won't to stop. I'm always afraid he will bring me to court for child alienation. He had 3 court dates all of which he cancels the day of the trial.
tks
brenda
Answer: Hi Brenda - This is not easy but worth being conscious of. You need to dis-engage as much as possible. That means only talking about the children when it is absolutely necessary and NEVER discussing anything personal or allowing the conversation to become emotional. It also means keeping your dignity and self-respect and behaving in a way you find attractive. Remember, you got divorced for a reason.

[Chandra Alexander, MSW]

Question: Is there a right or wrong way to leave someone?
Answer: The best time to leave is when you feel good about yourself. Also, it is NEVER a good idea to leave one relationship and go right into another. Regardless of who is leaving whom, everyone needs time to heal. We cry for the dreams that don't come true.

[Chandra Alexander, MSW]

Question: How do you deal with a narcisistic spouse? How can that behavior be recognized by that person and be changed?

Answer: It is VERY difficult dealing with narcissism. If your spouse is truly a narcissist, it will get worse as time goes on.
Simply by definition, a person who is narcissistic can never be self-examining, never admit that he is to blame for anything. In my CD Breaking and Healing I spend a lot of time talking about narcissism and what you can do if you are with a narcissist.

[Chandra Alexander, MSW]

Question: Good Morning,

I was robbed of over $250,000 worth of jewelry that was very dear to me (engagements ring, wedding bands, Rolexes). I had just moved into a newly constructed home. There was no forced entry and I had only taken the most important things off for a couple of hours to go and buy a safe. The developer admits to keeping a key and it was stored only one home away from mine at the time. I can't claim the insurance because my husband, who normally takes care of that just totally dropped the ball and had us underinsured. So I am trying to deal with the loss, betrayal and anger but I feel stuck. It's not a time when we can just go out and replace those things. I am having trouble moving on.
Please help,

Answer: So sorry this happened. It sounds like you were betrayed on two fronts - Your jewelry stolen and your husband's not taking care of things. This naturally with make you feel unsafe.
You need to protect youself by taking care of yourself and this means taking care of your feelings. A big loss like this brings up all the other losses in your life. You probably have an overwhelming feeling of sadness. Instead of pushing the feelings away, feel them. Once you are willing to feel them, this overwhelming sense of loss will start to go.
In in a more spiritual sense, sometimes when "things" are taken away it's because there is a lesson in store that is worth more than the rings and bracelets.

[Marilyn]

My ex husband and I were married 35+ years....a part of me loves him still and probably always will. I think I was more interested in the marriage than he was because he had no second thoughts about divorce. The woman he married is one he was involved with at least a year or more before our divorce was final. He asked our grown children as well as the grandchildren to be participants in their wedding ceremony. Our son agreed to be his Best Man and our daughters agreed to light the unity candle. I felt conflicted, but didn't want them to question their choices so I was supportive. I don't know why this still comes into my mind from time to time and I wish it would go away.

My sister has become her "pal". She and I had conflict from time to time through the years, and my ex knows my sister was never really my "friend". Please help....what is the best way to look at all of this so that I can find peace of mind.

[Mary]

Dear Chandra,
My mother is interfering with my life. Instead of coming to me with her thoughts and concerns, she called my girlfriend to come stay with my husband and I to get information, etc.. This is her MO. My brothers and their wives have excluded her from their lives years ago because of the prying type nature. She will pick apart everything you do for signs of problems, like you lock your house door excessively, etc.. And they wonder why I have trust problems with people. Go figure. Yes, I have problems like everyone. I feel she is not helping me and is causing more pain with her behavior. Mary

[Chandra Alexander, MSW]

QUESTION - My ex husband and I were married 35+ years....a part of me loves him still and probably always will. I think I was more interested in the marriage than he was because he had no second thoughts about divorce. The woman he married is one he was involved with at least a year or more before our divorce was final. He asked our grown children as well as the grandchildren to be participants in their wedding ceremony. Our son agreed to be his Best Man and our daughters agreed to light the unity candle. I felt conflicted, but didn't want them to question their choices so I was supportive. I don't know why this still comes into my mind from time to time and I wish it would go away.

My sister has become her "pal". She and I had conflict from time to time through the years, and my ex knows my sister was never really my "friend". Please help....what is the best way to look at all of this so that I can find peace of mind.

Posted by: Marilyn | November 30, 2008 at 03:56 PM

ANSWER - This is a very difficult situation but so far you have behaved with dignity and self-respect and I would continue to do that. Ultimately, how we feel is based on how we behave. I know in some sense you must feel abandoned, but if you remind yorself, NOT to take this personally, you will be okay. 35 years is a long time - cut yourself some slack, feel the feelings, observe them, accept what is, and eventually the constant mental chatter will stop - I promise.

[Chandra Alexander, MSW]

QUESTION - Dear Chandra,
My mother is interfering with my life. Instead of coming to me with her thoughts and concerns, she called my girlfriend to come stay with my husband and I to get information, etc.. This is her MO. My brothers and their wives have excluded her from their lives years ago because of the prying type nature. She will pick apart everything you do for signs of problems, like you lock your house door excessively, etc.. And they wonder why I have trust problems with people. Go figure. Yes, I have problems like everyone. I feel she is not helping me and is causing more pain with her behavior. Mary

Posted by: Mary | December 02, 2008 at 12:08 PM

ANSWER - In the long run, it does not matter what your mother does or does not do - what happens is what you do. You need to set boundaries with your mother and if she does not abide by your wishes, I would dis-continue engaging with her until she does.

[rhiannon]

What's the best way to deal with an ex spouse who always plays the role of the victim? He never takes responsibility for his actions, rather he blames me for the current state of his relationship with his children?

[Trans Solutions]

It is a Informative content.

Good job.

[chandra alexander, msw]

Thanks for your comment and enjoying the posts. I wish you the very best.

[Gayle]

I divorced my Narcissist of 5 years one year ago after having allowed him to beat me down (emotionally) to the point that I didn't know who I was anymore. I am working to get over that mistake, and although I am in my late 50s, I am attractive and well educated, but I cannot seem to flirt or even feel sexy anymore. It seems so long ago that I ever felt that way. Can you suggest something that I might do-I have tried affirmations, positive self talk, etc., but nothing seems to take. Any ideas?

[chandra alexander, msw]

Flirting and feeling sexy come from a state of being and cannot be achieved wth positive affirmations, etc.If what you are saying to yourself is not congruent with how you really feel nothing will ever change. Your self-esteem has diminished and you have lost your sense of Self. This is what happens when you have been with a narcissist. Have you been to counseling? If you are interested, give me a call. During these difficult economic times, I am working with clients at a reduced rate. I think it would help and I understand these issues very well.

[medical voice recognition]

I really appreciate your opening of this public place where we can share, ask, discuss the things which we really dont want to share with anybody!

[rick]

Great story

[sol]

Nice