Chandra Unplugged - No nonsense, Straight-up blogging from a Life Coach

Good Morning World!

The Evolution of Consciousness

How does consciousness evolve?  How well do you understand the workings of the universe?  Do you live in the present moment?

There is NO way to intellectually understand how the universe works; as a result, BEING is the only way to intimately connect to the source of understanding, to experience how the universe unfolds.  Now this may sound somewhat esoteric, but it is anything but.  Without being in sync with reality, with "what is", there will always be incongruence. 

Can you imagine telling someone what chocolate tastes like without having tasted it?  And even when you have tasted it - look how difficult it is to explain what it tastes like to someone who has not. Consciousness is like chocolate - only by truly tasting it can you know what it is.  Eating chocolate is a present moment experience; it forces you to stay squarely in the moment, because without that, you miss it. 

When you are in the past or the present you are in your head and always one step away from the action.  The action of life - the joy of life - comes from the heart and is always in the present moment.  But being present is not for the weak at heart.  Being present requires great bravery, a willingness to FEEL your life rather than think about it. 

When you are willing to connect to your soft underbelly, that part of you that you keep hidden (from yourself as well as the rest of the world) - only then does being present have a chance.  Integrating the dark side as well as the light automatically makes your present and only by being totally and completely in the moment do you have an opportunity to "see" to the core to things. 

This "seeing" is NOT an intellectual exercise but a state of being.  It is unequivocal, not up for debate.  It acknowledges the failures as well as successes, the valleys as well as the peaks, the losses as well as the wins.  It recognizes life's wholeness - all of it - as perfection. 

The ability to "observe" your life, to know on a gut level that you are always in the right place at the right time, and to know that every"mistake" is a step towards greater awareness and authenticity is how consciousness evolves.  The more present you are, the more you are aligned with the workings of the universe and more connected you are to the SOURCE. 

Does Passion Really Diminish Over Time?

We all buy into the platitude that passion diminishes over time but just because many people say the same thing doesn’t make it so.  If you feel your relationship is stagnant and has stopped growing, learn why “love grows if you’re not in a coma”.

 

1.      If you stay awake, passion naturally grows over time.

·        Being awake means being alive and aliveness is the same as passion. 

·        Living in the present moment is the only way to feel passion.

·        A willingness to feel ALL of life is what allows us to live in the present moment.

 

2.      You cannot “love” unless you like the other person.

·        How many times have you heard someone say, “I don’t like him, but I love him?”  What does that mean?  It makes no sense to me.

·        How can you love someone you don’t like?

·        Loving is respect, it is liking the other person, admiring his character.  If you don’t like your partner, you cannot love him!!

 

3.      You cannot spoil someone with too much loving.

·        Why hold back from someone you love?  It is not often we want to give endlessly. 

 

4.      Letting someone “see” who you are, opens hearts to loving.

·        Nothing is sexier than vulnerability and nothing is greater than being "seen".

 

 

What's a Dysfunctional Relationship?

No one likes to think of themselves as being in a dysfunctional relationship, but at one time or another, all of us have experienced these feelings.  We all do it wrong until we learn how to do it right.  Here a few things to think about.  Dysfunctional relationships make you feel bad about yourself. When you feel bad about yourself  -

 

1. You always feel resentful.  If you’re always resentful, you’re in a dysfunctional relationship.  Being resentful means you are doing things on a daily basis that you do not want to do.   And that makes you very angry.  Anger is very unattractive and is really sadness flipped unpside down.
2. You have a walking on eggs relationship.  You are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, always afraid of what the other person’s response might be.  You tip-toeing around waiting for the "right" time to talk (there never is a right time).
3. You feel more and more isolated. You stop talking to friends and family because you are ashamed and embarrassed to keep repeating your story. 
4. You doubt yourself – what you at one time knew to be true you now are unsure of.   As your self-esteem drops, you are less and less sure of yourself.
5. You have become “less” (than who you really are) to stay in it.  The whole reason to be in relationship with another person is that you can be more.  The feeling is “crank it up”, not tone it down.  If you are less than what you know (in your heart) you can be – you are in a dysfunctional relationship. (to be continued)

Choices and Illusions - a new book by Eldon Taylor

Elton Taylor has written a book to make you aware of how it’s all happening.  In other words, it’s not what happens to you in a life; it’s what you do with what happens!!  He makes us “see” how we are influenced daily by the barrage of subliminal messages and how our unconscious mind ends up creating our life, a life we may or may not like. Intellectually understanding this process allows us to go deeper and gives us  power where we are willing to step-up and make new choices. 

Taylor is best when he comes from the heart and says it in simple terms:

“Blame is a bind – pure and simple – it ties you up.”

“I like to think of obstacles as opportunities.  I can’t wait to see what good comes from this.”

“The real meaning of life comes from what you give, not from what you take.”

“When you forgive, you essentially undo the ability to blame.”

The essence of the book is a journey in consciousness – becoming more aware, more responsible, and more present.  Taylor says, I believe that it is by paying attention to the miracles in your life that you can find personal answers to the questions “Why am I here and what am I supposed to be doing?”  He again and again makes that point that all truth can be sourced from your own life if you listen to your own inner voice.

He is right on the money when he talks about resistance –the opposite of surrender.  Quoting Taoism, “What we resist, we become,” he eloquently says, “In our resistance to being mocked, ridiculed, criticized, or in any other way treated in some undignified way, we create the very thing we desire to
eliminate.  We choose to fight “fire with fire”, and in the end find ourselves burning away our own dignity and potential.”

Choices and Illusions opens the way to dignity and potential.  Taking responsibility for your life you begin to make new choices and in the process create a new life – the one you truly want.  Read and learn - http://www.parpromos.com/pp/it/13j/gifts/blog-access.php

A Fragile Ego - The Enemy of Love

Relationships are difficult, even under the best of circumstances.  All the obvious categories can line up - good chemistry, compatibility, and good communication - and still it is not easy.   Day to day living in a relationship requires an ability to stay present, be resilient, and be open.  If you do not have a strong sense of Self, an inner confidence in who you are and what you have to offer, you will always sabotage the relationship. 

A healthy ego is different than a fragile ego.  A healthy ego is self-referring; it does not need another person to say or do anything in order to feel good.  On the other hand, a fragile ego depends on others.  Because the initial strength is not there, one becomes wounded easily, projecting that uneasiness to another; "If only she would have said it differently," or "If only she would agree to do the things I want to do," he tells himself over and over, never taking responsibility for hearing it the way he has heard it or the life he has created. 

If you have an unhealthy, fragile ego you will often feel victimized and feel the relationship is "not equal".  An unhealthy ego will change but only to gain points in the relationship, chips to barter.  You will say things like, "I've accommodated you more than you have accommodated me."  Using accommodation in this way is the opposite of love and score-keeping at its worst.  Why "accommodate" if you are going to keep score?"  To me, if what you do is not what you really want to do and is just a ploy to have a relationship, it will not be a relationship worth much. 

When you have a healthy ego (sense of Self), you do what you do unconditionally.  If YOU decide you want to change based on something your partner said, YOU do it for YOU and take full responsibility for the change.  You do it because you know your life is better because of it.  And the love gets deeper.  You never bring it up as a bargaining chip because it is something you want to do anyway; and you are grateful for the change.  And if it is something you don't want to do - don't do it!  No one wants to hear either directly or in sub-text - "I did something I didn't want to do for you so you need to do something you don't want to do for me."

Be careful and vigilant if when you are taking with your partner the subject is abruptly changed and you are told you need to say it "differently".  It is hard to catch this subtle switch and the next minute you find you are defending your position rather than talking about what your were talking about.  Do not agree to a "walking on eggs" relationship and don't feel pressured and become something less in order to stay in the relationship.  Fragile egos are tricky and if you are not intimately connected to your core and your peacefulness it is easy to get sucked into an unloving, draining, score-keeping relationship.

How NOT to Break Those New Year Resolutions

 

10 Life Changing Tips Inspired By Rumi

Here are ten life changing tips inspired by quotes from the great Sufi poet, Rumi:

1. Challenge Fear

"Run from what’s comfortable. Forget safety. Live where you fear to live. Destroy your reputation. Be notorious."

2. Be Bold

"Do not be satisfied with the stories that come before you. Unfold your own myth."

3. Have Gratitude

"Wear gratitude like a cloak and it will feed every corner of your life."

4. Take Action

"Why should I stay at the bottom of a well, when a strong rope is in my hand?"

5. Have Faith

"As you start to walk out on the way, the way appears."

6. Embrace Setbacks

"If you are irritated by every rub, how will you be polished?"

7. Look Inside

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."

8. Learn From Suffering

"The wound is the place where the Light enters you."

9. Don't Be Concerned With What Others Think Of You

"I want to sing like the birds sing, not worrying about who hears or what they think."

10. Do What You Love

"Let yourself be drawn by the stronger pull of that which you truly love."

By Robert Piper

Sad or Depressed? Do You Know The Difference?

 

Are you really depressed or are you just sad? If you’ve been told you’re depressed, don't be so quick to believe it.   Learn the difference between clinical depression and normal sadness.

1. Life is a mixture of both happy and sad. This is normal and natural.

• To accept life in its fullness is to understand that life is a mixture of both happy and sad.
• Many professionals do not understand this and immediately diagnose sadness as depression.
• When you immediately medicate yourself against sadness, you miss the opportunity to work through issues in an alive and healthy way.

1. It is okay to be sad because sometimes things are sad.

• We are okay with happy, but we have trouble with sad.
• There are as many opportunities in a day to be sad as there are to be happy.
• Happiness and sadness are equal sides of yin and yang.  You cannot have one without having the other.

1. Depression results when you do not deal with your sadness.

• We often think our sadness is depression, but it is not. We get depressed when we don’t deal with our sadness.
• Sadness is part of every human life.  There is NOTHING wrong with you if you get sad.
• When we lose something we get sad and when someone dies we get sad.

1. Anti-depressants take away the pain (really the anxiety), but keep us numb.

• You will always feel anxious BEFORE you feel your feeling.
• Anxiety is the feeling that signals a feeling is coming up. (A feeling you are not used to feeling)
• When you feel nothing (flat-lined from taking medication), that means the feeling has been stuffed back inside.

1. You must “feel” to get healthy.

• The only way to heal is to feel.
• Embrace your sadness as part of life; a way you get to learn more about yourself.
• Everything is attitude.  Our depth is created by our ability to deal with both happiness and sadness.

Closing One Door - Don't Be So Quick To Open Another!

 

Most of us believe the saying, “When you close one door, open another” and that’s what most of us do.  But what if you were to learn that opening another door too quickly may not be in your best interest and may actually work against you.  Tune in Wed. for a “Reality Check” with Life Coach and Author Chandra Alexander and learn what to do when one door closes and another one is not yet open. 

1.... The space between two doors is where we create.  Don’t panic.  We all feel out of control when we don’t know what’s in store for us. Potent space where all the magic happens.

2. Do not say, “Anything is better than nothing” and make a decision out of fear. Anything is not better than nothing.  Out of nothing comes something worthwhile if you are not impatient.


3. Put in the right ingredients.  If the ingredients are good, the outcome will be good. Smoothie example.  Let it rip.


4. Sit quietly.  Good choices come out of a quiet mind and when you can hear your own voice. Stop listening to other people.

5. Be open to possibilities you have not even considered.