Chandra Unplugged - No nonsense, Straight-up blogging from a Life Coach

The True Nature of Anger - The Underbelly is Sadness

   

Are You Feeling Nothing?

Do you have a spouse and children, a job you go to everyday and a life that appears busy and full, and yet on the inside you feel numb?   If you are simply going through the motions of a life but feel nothing, learn why feeling something, anything, is better than feeling nothing at all.

 

1. Ask yourself: Are you flat-lined? 
   • Feeling something, anything, is better than feeling nothing at all.
   • Being “flat-lined” means we do not react appropriately.  Everything seems the “same”.
   • You also lose your sense of humor.

 

1. When the mind is on overload, the heart closes.
   • You have to feel to have a good life.
   • If all your energy is above the neck, the mind is racing and the heart stays closed.
   • Quieting the mind is the key to moving the energy from above the neck to below it, into the heart area.  This is where you feel things.

 

1. Alcohol, drugs and medication make you more numb.   Stop these.
   • Sometimes we just need a break from the frantic-ness and don’t know the right way to slow it down.  We take medication to better deal but then end up not dealing at all. 
   • If you do not feel “at home” in your own body, you are most probably over-medicated.
   • Alcohol and drugs are band-aids that will eventually be ripped off to expose the wound below.

 

1. Be brave and stop making excuses.  Be brutally honest with yourself.
   • You did not get here overnight and you will not be “cured” tomorrow. 
   • Along the way you made lots of decisions that were not in your best interest and now you are living the results of those decisions.  It will take time to chart a new course and feel the result of these new decisions.
   • Unless you are willing to do the work, nothing will ever change.

 

1. Feeling is our natural state – feel just one thing to begin the process.
   • Sometimes when we have been shut down for a long time, beginning to feel is an arduous process.  We have to re-train ourselves to not retreat emotionally, to not abuse drugs and alcohol, and to not over-medicate. 
   • Stepping into life takes bravery and requires stick-to-it-ness. 
   • When you are willing to what it takes to change old ways that no longer work, you are rewarded with feeling.

 

Loving Your Self First

We have all heard the saying, “Before you can love anyone else, you need to love yourself first”. But what does “loving yourself first” really mean? How do you put into practice every day the art of loving yourself?

1. Loving yourself is the same as taking care of your Self.

• Take care of yourself the way you take care of others.
• Most of us are not very good at taking care of ourselves and do a much better job at taking care of others.
• When you love your Self you look out for your Self. You open to new experiences but you are also protective, and make sure the people and experiences in your life are good for you.

2. Give yourself generosity of spirit.,

• You are not here to be perfect but to partake in the human adventure.
• You cannot travel this path without making mistakes. There is nothing mistake-free about this human experience.
• Mistakes show us the right way for us. Each mistake says, “Not this, not this”. We learn by knowing where not to go.

 3. Listen to your inner voice by quieting your mind.

• You can ONLY hear your inner voice – the voice that has your best interests at heart – when your mind is quiet.
• The inner voice has a direct connection with the heart.
• When the mind is quiet, the heart opens.

  4. Accept your past – You did the best you could at the time.

• Do not regret the past but learn from it. Sure, we may not do the same dumb stuff again, but now we know better.
• Remember, you do not have to know why something happened for you to accept responsibility for all of your life at this moment.
• If it happened to you, it belongs to you.

  5. Examine your thoughts, feelings and actions; they create your world.

• Take responsibility for what you think and feel. 
• Know that you have a choice of what you want to think about.  You do not have to think about every thought that enters your mind.
• Even if you think and feel in a dysfunctional way but take right action, you will begin to change your course. 

The Right Way to Approach Counseling (continued)

From the moment you meet your therapist or Life Coach, you should feel a connection.  If your therapist cannot connect to you on the FIRST visit, you need to leave and never come back.  I am not talking about feeling happy, I am talking about a connection.  What that means is that you have a feeling inside you that says, "I feel like this person can help me or there is something about this person I trust".  You will know immediately; you will be able to "feel" it.  This is NOT an intellectual process, i.e., not something that lends itself well to a check list.  How many time times have you gotten everything on the list and still have not gotten the prize? Feel what the prize feels like.

On your first session, the therapist/Life Coach should "get" who you are.  Without knowing every single detail, the therapist should give you feedback to let you know that you are understood and that "help is on the way". A therapist can't fake this stuff.  Either we know what's going on, or we don't.  When the therapist feels confident, the client feels confident as well.   

When clients meet the right Life Coach/Therapist they know because they immediately become motivated to become something  more.  They know they need to change and now feel they may have found a way to do it.  That does not mean that there is not hard work ahead, but rather that the work is worth it.

Two important things need to happen simultaneously:  A therapist needs to work from the inside out and outside in.  From the "inside out" means that it is important to understand "why" we do certain things and to have insights and ephanies.  From the "outside in" means that we need to take those insights and ephanies and bring them into action in the world.  What is the good of insights if we can't make them work for us?  We might as well be sitting on the couch smoking weed and having an insight! 

In Behavioral Therapy, behavior is changed whether or not the client understands the underpinnings of that behavior.  In Psychotherapy, clients talk, have insights, but are never required to make those insights into real life, into reality. 

Therapists who know what they are doing require both insight and action., i.e., both psychotherapy and behavioral therapy.  A good therapist leads a client to insights and inspirations but holds them accountable for bringing those realizations into action in the real world.  A sharp therapist understands that only by manifesting these changes on the physical plane can a client begin to change the hard-wiring, and thus finally move in a new direction.

The Right Way to Approach Counseling

There is probably no more difficult task than choosing the right therapist.  Finding the right therapist/Life Coach takes some time and effort.  It is never a good idea to choose a therapist based on money.  I am not saying that you do not have to take your finances into account, but rather simply that you know what you are getting into.  The best way is to take the money aspect out of the equation.  Say to yourself, "Self, if I had all the money in the world and could afford anyone, who would I go to?'  There's your answer.  Now what you do with that - that's up to you.

Remember, a therapist is first and foremost a person, just like you.  Unless the Life Coach/Therapist you choose lives an outstanding life, one filled with dignity and self-esteem, how can these qualities be passsed on to you?  Every client instinctually KNOWS if the therapist is authentic; we can feel it.  We are only going to listen to someone who has walked the walked, not just talks the talk. 

Does Psychotherapy work?  If by psychotherapy we mean pure talk therapy - the answer is no!!!  There is nothing worse than constantly repeating your story and not having anyone stop you.  How often do you hear of someone being in therapy for five years and still having a messed-up life? 

Not only does it not work, but it actually does harm.  The more we repeat our dysfunctional story, the more hard-wired it becomes.  Therapists who sit back, say nothing, and let us just keep yapping on as they collect our money, do us a grave disservice.  We need to be stopped; we need the story to end and we are hoping someone will stop us.  That is why we are paying a professional - we want to be stopped.

Freud was right about some things.  He said the basis of our existence was love and work.  He was right about that.  But psychotherapy - he was wrong about that.  The client needs a dialogue with the therapist and sometimes a monologue from the therapist.  The same way parents teach children by modeling, that is the way the therapist needs to teach the client.  As parents, would we ever just let our child keep making the same mistake again and again without stepping in? 

Clients come to therapists because they are hoping we know something they don't.  If we don't speak up, who will? (to be continued)

 

Syncing Up Body and Spirit

If you struggling with weight and body image issues, understand why it important to not be obsessive but still like how you look AND be comfortable in your own skin.

1. You are a whole person – inside and outside need to match up.

• Everyone has parts of his/her body they don't like and wish were different.
• How you feel on the inside usually matches how you look on the outside.
• Oftentimes, we try and cut and paste our life, pretending the inside doesn't matter, fixing up the outside,  and end up feeling out of sync and confused.

2. If you are making excuses for not feeling good, you need to stop.

• You have free will and can change what doesn’t work for you.
• This is self-explanatory. Get cracking.
• I am not taking about being an exercise fanatic, or being pre-occupied with how you look; I am talking about being pleased about walking around as you.

3. Your body is your house.

• You need to feel comfortable wherever you are.
• Getting dressed, going out, do you feel comfortable in your skin?
• The world’s reaction to us is nothing more than a reflection of who we are. If you are not pleased with your Self, the world will reflect that back to you.

4. The world gives us feedback – do you like what you are getting? If not, are you willing to make adjustments?

• This is where we separate the men from the boys.
• Changing hard-wired body image issues takes hard work and doesn't happen overnight.
• We need to change from the inside out and from the outside in.  Mostly, we need to start the process of change.

5. Arguing with your partner about weight and body image diminishes the relationship.

• Address real concerns and move on.
• This is NOT a relationship issue.
• This is something each one of us decides for ourselves.

Unresolved childhood Issues

Are unresolved childhood issues still running your life? If you’re stuck in the past and don’t know how to move on, it is important to learn how to make peace with the past and live in the present.

1. Most people look like adults but are really children.

• Having a good life and healthy relationships are about “growing up”.
• I learned a long time ago that no one had a great childhood. They were all difficult and at some point we all have to move on.
• As a child, you cannot have adult relationships.

2. Being a victim makes you powerless.

• Taking back your power means you are not waiting or wanting your parents’ approval.
• You need to become your own parent, your own source of approval.
• Every single person who walks on this earth has been hurt by someone or something. That is what being human is about. It is learning how to open to life – to the joys and the sorrows. You can’t have one without having the other.

3. Our issues are always our issues.

• My favorite all time quote is by T.S. Eliot. He says, “It is ending up where you began but knowing the place for the first time.”
• We keep circling around. If you have abandonment issues from your childhood, those stay your issues forever and you get the chance to keep working on them.
• They may never go away but they stop running your life. You may always be aware that they are there, but when you grow up, you are in charge of your life as an adult, not as a child that feels victimized.

4. Feeling is only way to heal.

• You cannot “think” your way through your issues.
• You need to own them and the only way you can do that is by feeling.
• To be brave enough to get out of your head and into your heart is the beginning of a good life.

5.  Your PAST can work for you if you let it.

•  Accepting your past, actually embracing it as part of what makes you YOU, gives you texture.
•   Integrating past experiences and owning them, regardless of how they came about, sets you free.
• Accepting your past as part of the human condition gives you tremendous compassion.   

Be Courageous - Stop the Abuse

Are you being verbally and emotionally abused and are you finally getting tired of it? NOW is the time to stop the abuse and take your power back.

1. Stop making excuses. If something feels bad, it usually is.

• We KNOW when something feels bad the same way we know when something feels good.
• We make excuses because we know that truly acknowledging our feelings would mean that we will have to make a change and we don’t feel ready to do that.
• But the truth is that you will never feel ready to change dysfunctional stuff.

2.  When you stop seeing yourself as a victim, you take your power back.

• Feeling victimized depletes you of your power and leaves you immobilized. You feel stuck and you are.
• Power is not bravado. It’s a little voice that says “you can do it.”
• Our inner voice whispers at first, but as we pay attention, the voice gets louder.

3. Being a victim is unattractive, to your Self as well as to others.

• Isn’t it amazing that the world is a reflection of how we “see it?”
• As a victim, you are unattractive to your Self; as a result, you are perceived that way by the world as well.
• Taking your power back means you do it anyway, when you are not ready, and the act of “doing it” makes you feel ready and empowered.

4. You can create a new life; just like you created this one.

• The process of healing demands that you take full responsibility for the life you have created.
• Know that just like you have created the life you have today, you can create something else going forward that is good and will nourish your soul.
• Fell the life you want, think about it, act on it.

5. Remember - Your future is your present projected forward.

• If you don’t like your life – Change it. You can do it.
• The only way to have something different than what you have today is to do different things.
• You need to put new things in the hopper to have new results.

The Art of Communication - How to Do It!

Everyone agrees that good communication is the foundation of all relationships, but how do you begin to relate differently if you’ve never been taught a more effective way to communicate? Here is a new way to deliver and receive information that feels good and brings positive results.

1. Say how YOU feel, rather than talking about what is wrong with the other person.

• The emphasis is on YOU – talk about yourself.
• Be conscious of only talking about your feelings.
• The minute you talk about the other person, that person gets defensive and cannot hear you. When you say how you feel, the lines of communication stay open.

2. Set a timer and take turns talking.

• The best way to learn how to properly communicate is to set a timer. One person talks for three minutes without interruption and then the other person talks. Do this three times, alternating with each person talking for three minutes.
• This method allows each person to talk AND listen to the other, giving the other complete attention.
• Most of the time when we have a disagreement, everyone ends up talking at the same time. This way allows for a complete exchange of information without frustrations or defensiveness getting in the way.

3. When the other person is talking, do not think about what you are going to say next. Just listen.

• The timer method guarantees that you will get your chance to talk – so don’t get nervous.  Pay attention.
• This is an opportunity to really listen to what your partner is saying.  Can you suspend judgment and just listen? If so, you might just hear something you have never heard before.
• Real listening takes place when you are not thinking of what you are going to say next.

4. Be concerned about “feeling right” rather than “being right”.

• After all, isn’t the idea of all communication to have a connection?
• What is the point of being “right” and feeling completely disconnected from your partner?
• Keep asking yourself, “How do I feel?” If you feel hard and defensive, you are actually pushing the other person away.

5. All feelings are valid even if you disagree with them.

• What is wrong with someone having a different feeling than you have? We are all different.
•  As long as a person’s feeling does not result in action that is harmful to another, different feelings are what make us interesting.
• Take a deep breath, and surrender to the moment, and listen and talk only when it is your turn.

Dreading Family Gatherings?

Do you dread family gatherings? If you have a meddling mother-in-law that is constantly critical or a father-in-law that drinks too much and is bigoted, you are most probably anxious at family functions. Learn the best way to deal with these problems before, during and after dinner.

1. Potential problems need to be addressed and discussed BEFORE everyone shows up.
   • If you are dreading a family gathering it is because you are feeling things that need to be addressed and you are avoiding them.
   • Focusing on negative feelings actually brings those things to you. What we focus on grows!
   • BEFORE anyone shows up, you need to be clear and not confused.

2. Partners need to support one another and be very clear about priorities.
   • This is very important. Unless partners are aligned, the rule of the day is “divide and conquer.”
   • A boundary set by two is always more powerful than one set by one.
   • In order to avoid conflict, the two of you need to to be in sync.

3. Abusive behavior is never acceptable, regardless of the situation. Immediately set boundaries.
   • Never excuse abusive behavior.
   • Any behavior that diminishes another person, whether that is verbal or emotional, needs to be stopped immediately.
   • Do not say things to excuse abusive behavior like, “Oh, it’s just my father, he doesn’t really mean it”. He does really mean it or else he wouldn’t have said it or at the least, he would have apologized.

4. You have as much right to state your opinion, as does anyone else. Speak up.
   • So often we say nothing because we do not want to cause a scene. But there is a way to speak in a very decisive, non-confrontational way that lets another person know what they have just said is unacceptable.
   • Not saying anything – when you know another person is being abusive – means you are being abused as well.
   • Abusive or inappropriate behavior makes us want to back away, clam up, retreat.

5. Just because you allowed something to happen once, does not mean it has to happen again.
   • Every moment is an opportunity to do it right.
   • Just because you allowed this behavior once before does not mean you need to allow it again.
   • Over time, hopefully, we learn how to better take care of ourselves. Stopping abusive controlling behavior is a sign we are learning to love ourselves.