Chandra Unplugged - No nonsense, Straight-up blogging from a Life Coach

Syncing Up Body and Spirit

If you struggling with weight and body image issues, understand why it important to not be obsessive but still like how you look AND be comfortable in your own skin.

1. You are a whole person – inside and outside need to match up.

• Everyone has parts of his/her body they don't like and wish were different.
• How you feel on the inside usually matches how you look on the outside.
• Oftentimes, we try and cut and paste our life, pretending the inside doesn't matter, fixing up the outside,  and end up feeling out of sync and confused.

2. If you are making excuses for not feeling good, you need to stop.

• You have free will and can change what doesn’t work for you.
• This is self-explanatory. Get cracking.
• I am not taking about being an exercise fanatic, or being pre-occupied with how you look; I am talking about being pleased about walking around as you.

3. Your body is your house.

• You need to feel comfortable wherever you are.
• Getting dressed, going out, do you feel comfortable in your skin?
• The world’s reaction to us is nothing more than a reflection of who we are. If you are not pleased with your Self, the world will reflect that back to you.

4. The world gives us feedback – do you like what you are getting? If not, are you willing to make adjustments?

• This is where we separate the men from the boys.
• Changing hard-wired body image issues takes hard work and doesn't happen overnight.
• We need to change from the inside out and from the outside in.  Mostly, we need to start the process of change.

5. Arguing with your partner about weight and body image diminishes the relationship.

• Address real concerns and move on.
• This is NOT a relationship issue.
• This is something each one of us decides for ourselves.

Unresolved childhood Issues

Are unresolved childhood issues still running your life? If you’re stuck in the past and don’t know how to move on, it is important to learn how to make peace with the past and live in the present.

1. Most people look like adults but are really children.

• Having a good life and healthy relationships are about “growing up”.
• I learned a long time ago that no one had a great childhood. They were all difficult and at some point we all have to move on.
• As a child, you cannot have adult relationships.

2. Being a victim makes you powerless.

• Taking back your power means you are not waiting or wanting your parents’ approval.
• You need to become your own parent, your own source of approval.
• Every single person who walks on this earth has been hurt by someone or something. That is what being human is about. It is learning how to open to life – to the joys and the sorrows. You can’t have one without having the other.

3. Our issues are always our issues.

• My favorite all time quote is by T.S. Eliot. He says, “It is ending up where you began but knowing the place for the first time.”
• We keep circling around. If you have abandonment issues from your childhood, those stay your issues forever and you get the chance to keep working on them.
• They may never go away but they stop running your life. You may always be aware that they are there, but when you grow up, you are in charge of your life as an adult, not as a child that feels victimized.

4. Feeling is only way to heal.

• You cannot “think” your way through your issues.
• You need to own them and the only way you can do that is by feeling.
• To be brave enough to get out of your head and into your heart is the beginning of a good life.

5.  Your PAST can work for you if you let it.

•  Accepting your past, actually embracing it as part of what makes you YOU, gives you texture.
•   Integrating past experiences and owning them, regardless of how they came about, sets you free.
• Accepting your past as part of the human condition gives you tremendous compassion.   

Be Courageous - Stop the Abuse

Are you being verbally and emotionally abused and are you finally getting tired of it? NOW is the time to stop the abuse and take your power back.

1. Stop making excuses. If something feels bad, it usually is.

• We KNOW when something feels bad the same way we know when something feels good.
• We make excuses because we know that truly acknowledging our feelings would mean that we will have to make a change and we don’t feel ready to do that.
• But the truth is that you will never feel ready to change dysfunctional stuff.

2.  When you stop seeing yourself as a victim, you take your power back.

• Feeling victimized depletes you of your power and leaves you immobilized. You feel stuck and you are.
• Power is not bravado. It’s a little voice that says “you can do it.”
• Our inner voice whispers at first, but as we pay attention, the voice gets louder.

3. Being a victim is unattractive, to your Self as well as to others.

• Isn’t it amazing that the world is a reflection of how we “see it?”
• As a victim, you are unattractive to your Self; as a result, you are perceived that way by the world as well.
• Taking your power back means you do it anyway, when you are not ready, and the act of “doing it” makes you feel ready and empowered.

4. You can create a new life; just like you created this one.

• The process of healing demands that you take full responsibility for the life you have created.
• Know that just like you have created the life you have today, you can create something else going forward that is good and will nourish your soul.
• Fell the life you want, think about it, act on it.

5. Remember - Your future is your present projected forward.

• If you don’t like your life – Change it. You can do it.
• The only way to have something different than what you have today is to do different things.
• You need to put new things in the hopper to have new results.

The Art of Communication - How to Do It!

Everyone agrees that good communication is the foundation of all relationships, but how do you begin to relate differently if you’ve never been taught a more effective way to communicate? Here is a new way to deliver and receive information that feels good and brings positive results.

1. Say how YOU feel, rather than talking about what is wrong with the other person.

• The emphasis is on YOU – talk about yourself.
• Be conscious of only talking about your feelings.
• The minute you talk about the other person, that person gets defensive and cannot hear you. When you say how you feel, the lines of communication stay open.

2. Set a timer and take turns talking.

• The best way to learn how to properly communicate is to set a timer. One person talks for three minutes without interruption and then the other person talks. Do this three times, alternating with each person talking for three minutes.
• This method allows each person to talk AND listen to the other, giving the other complete attention.
• Most of the time when we have a disagreement, everyone ends up talking at the same time. This way allows for a complete exchange of information without frustrations or defensiveness getting in the way.

3. When the other person is talking, do not think about what you are going to say next. Just listen.

• The timer method guarantees that you will get your chance to talk – so don’t get nervous.  Pay attention.
• This is an opportunity to really listen to what your partner is saying.  Can you suspend judgment and just listen? If so, you might just hear something you have never heard before.
• Real listening takes place when you are not thinking of what you are going to say next.

4. Be concerned about “feeling right” rather than “being right”.

• After all, isn’t the idea of all communication to have a connection?
• What is the point of being “right” and feeling completely disconnected from your partner?
• Keep asking yourself, “How do I feel?” If you feel hard and defensive, you are actually pushing the other person away.

5. All feelings are valid even if you disagree with them.

• What is wrong with someone having a different feeling than you have? We are all different.
•  As long as a person’s feeling does not result in action that is harmful to another, different feelings are what make us interesting.
• Take a deep breath, and surrender to the moment, and listen and talk only when it is your turn.

Dreading Family Gatherings?

Do you dread family gatherings? If you have a meddling mother-in-law that is constantly critical or a father-in-law that drinks too much and is bigoted, you are most probably anxious at family functions. Learn the best way to deal with these problems before, during and after dinner.

1. Potential problems need to be addressed and discussed BEFORE everyone shows up.
   • If you are dreading a family gathering it is because you are feeling things that need to be addressed and you are avoiding them.
   • Focusing on negative feelings actually brings those things to you. What we focus on grows!
   • BEFORE anyone shows up, you need to be clear and not confused.

2. Partners need to support one another and be very clear about priorities.
   • This is very important. Unless partners are aligned, the rule of the day is “divide and conquer.”
   • A boundary set by two is always more powerful than one set by one.
   • In order to avoid conflict, the two of you need to to be in sync.

3. Abusive behavior is never acceptable, regardless of the situation. Immediately set boundaries.
   • Never excuse abusive behavior.
   • Any behavior that diminishes another person, whether that is verbal or emotional, needs to be stopped immediately.
   • Do not say things to excuse abusive behavior like, “Oh, it’s just my father, he doesn’t really mean it”. He does really mean it or else he wouldn’t have said it or at the least, he would have apologized.

4. You have as much right to state your opinion, as does anyone else. Speak up.
   • So often we say nothing because we do not want to cause a scene. But there is a way to speak in a very decisive, non-confrontational way that lets another person know what they have just said is unacceptable.
   • Not saying anything – when you know another person is being abusive – means you are being abused as well.
   • Abusive or inappropriate behavior makes us want to back away, clam up, retreat.

5. Just because you allowed something to happen once, does not mean it has to happen again.
   • Every moment is an opportunity to do it right.
   • Just because you allowed this behavior once before does not mean you need to allow it again.
   • Over time, hopefully, we learn how to better take care of ourselves. Stopping abusive controlling behavior is a sign we are learning to love ourselves.

How Not to Make the Same Mistake Twice

We all make mistakes; that is the process of living of life. But how many times do you need to make the same mistake? Time is moving along, so it is best to figure out how not to make the same mistake twice.

 

1. We all learn by making mistakes – this is the process of discovery.

• It’s impossible to live a life and not make mistakes.
• We learn more from our mistakes than we do from our failures. This is how we learn about ourselves.
• Sometimes we enter through the back door; we learn what NOT to do.

2. You do not have to experience everything on the physical plane in order to “get it”.

• Life is created from the inside out. That means that before something manifests on the physical plane, it is already created on the inside.
• By the time it surfaces on the physical plane, it has speed and critical mass; in other words, a lot of energy is behind it.
• So…if you feel uneasy and know things are happening that do not feel good to you, you can stop the forward momentum before the mistake manifests on the physical plane. 

3. Do not rationalize or gather consensus for your mistakes – admit error and move on.

• Often, when we have made a mistake, we have trouble admitting it, and our ego takes over.
• We immediately gather consensus for our point of view and try to make ourselves right. This only prolongs the process and increases our anxiety.
• Admitting when you have made a mistake is the smartest thing you can do. The minute you acknowledge your error, the energy begins to shift.

4. Only you really know if the same patterns keeping repeating themselves.

• Be brutally honest with yourself. Is this just another variation of the “same” mistake?
• In dysfunctional relationships, we often “pick” the same person with a different name.
• Trust your instincts.

5. We learn what works by knowing what doesn’t work.

• A road map tells you where to go and a boat map tells you where not to go.
• When you know where “not to go”, you avoid making the same mistake twice.
• There is nothing wrong with making mistakes if we learn from them.

Understanding Children - What We Need To Learn About Ourselves

Do you feel your child is out of control? If so, it is important to understand how out of control children are often the result of parents without boundaries.

1. Out of control behavior occurs because we allow it.

• We teach children how to behave by the way we behave. If you lose your temper and become frustrated, that is the behavior you are teaching your child.
• Children intuitively know whether you mean what you say.
• Unless you are willing to be inconvenienced when disciplining your child, you will never be able to go the distance in getting the job done. 

2. It’s a child’s basic nature to test limits.

• It is a child’s basic nature to say yes and go, when we say no and stop.
• This is what children do. This response is not so much testing you as it is testing for them.
• How far can they go and stretch before someone says stop and means it? They are waiting for someone to say stop.

3. Children need boundaries to feel safe and understand the world.

• You need to win.  That means you are willing to do whatever it takes to make them feel safe.
• Boundaries create safety; they give children parameters for moving about in this crazy world.
• Out of control children are yearning for boundaries, stopping posts along the way that give direction and grounding.

4. Regardless of age, children are smart and instinctively understand family dynamics. Ex. How to pit mother against father.

• The most important aspect of parenting is for one parent to be in sync with the other.
• Children automatically recognize the weak link and if they feel they can get their way by pitting one parent against another that is what they will do.
• This is normal and natural and what all healthy children do.

4. Nothing controls behavior better than discipline and love. (You may not like or tolerate your child’s behavior, but you can still love him.)

• If you are out of control, your child will be out of control.
• It is important to distinguish between behavior and essence.
• You can not like your child’s behavior but still love your child – and you need to make sure your child understands that.

New Relationship - Same Issues???

Starting a new relationship and afraid of making the same mistakes again? If you don’t learn from past experience – what’s the point? As all of us know, there is no end to the number of times we can keep making the same mistakes. Learn how to stop what doesn't work!!

1. Accept responsibility for EVERY relationship you have ever been in.
   • None of this 50/50 BS. Take 100 percent responsibility and you will take back 100% of your power.
   • I had a moment of enlightenment many years ago when I was getting out of a major relationship. My friends agreed with me that he was so shallow and I was so deep (ah…to have good friends); a real mismatch. But my realization.. was that for the time we were together we were a perfect match. My stuff overlapped his stuff and that as much as I complained about his ability to be intimate, if I could have really done it, (be intimate), I certainly wouldn’t have stayed with someone who couldn’t as long as I did.
   • YOU are the one constant in every relationship you are in.
2. Do not have “overlap relationships”. You need time to process feelings and information.
   • The absolute worse thing you can do when getting out of a relationship, is to quickly get in another.
   • You need time to process; to figure out what went wrong, what was good, what was bad. If you don’t spend this time you will never be able to learn from your mistakes.
   • You also need time to grieve. Even if you are glad to be out, don’t forget, you had hopes and dreams and none of them are going to happen. There’s a certain sadness when dreams don’t come to fruition.
3. Do not rationalize. If it doesn’t feel good, it probably isn’t.
   • Do you pay attention to the red flags or do you just ignore them because you have an agenda (to be in a new relationship) and don’t want to be thrown off course?
   • Remember - What is in darkness is going to come to light eventually.
   • Be brave. Deal with your feelings even though feeling them might scare you. It’s all coming out. It’s just whether it comes sooner or later.
4. Spend time alone. Unless you can be alone, you will never have healthy relationships.
   • Spending time alone, being able to enjoy your own company is the key to all good relationships.
   • Do you like your own company? Are you afraid to be alone?
   • If the answer is yes – that is exactly what you need to do.

Stressed, Stressed, Stressed

Are you constantly stressed out and don’t know what to do? We’re told that we need to manage stress. But is managing stress the best we can do? How about getting rid of stress rather than managing it?

1. “Managing” stress is avoiding the problem.

• Deal with the problem. We are usually stressed out because we are not dealing with what is.
• We rationalize unpleasant and unhealthy situations because confronting them produces anxiety. What we don’t realize is that not dealing with them produces anxiety in the form stress. 
• What stresses us out is what we fear. 

2. Confront issues by accepting responsibility. Don’t blame others.

• Whenever you feel stressed, look to yourself to relieve the stressors.
• Your attitude in regards to accepting responsibility for the life YOU have created is what eliminates stress.
• I would much rather deal with a specific problem, feel the fear and anxiety, and know that it is not going to last forever. Stress is something we constantly carry with us when we do not deal with our issues.

3. Do not rely on time to make things better…. it can also get worse.

• Remember, time does nothing but pass.
• Things that are good may get better, but things that are bad get worse over time.
• It is what you do with time that makes the difference.

4. Change your attitude even if you cannot change the situation.

• It is not what happens to you in a life but what you do with what happens to you.
• Your ability to face a problem head-on and not make excuses is crucial in the elimination of stress.
• The minute you take your power back and accept responsibility, the stress is relieved.

5. Do things differently if you do not like the results you are getting.

• We all know what Einstein said: “Doing the same thing again and again and expecting to get a different result is insanity.
• If you wait until you feel like doing it differently, it will not happen.
• This is where you need to use your intellect. The old way is not working – do it a new way and see what happens.

Without Change, We Stop Growing

How many times have you said or heard, “I will never change.  I like myself exactly as I am." The willingness to change is essential to love and happiness and without it, we stop growing.

1.  Change is always about you, not the other person. When you do it for someone else it never works.

• So often we “change” to please another person not understanding that the change will be short-lived at best.
• The only time change works is if it is really what we want to do.
• It has to come from very deep inside and there needs to be a firm resolve. That resolve is what keeps you going during the hard times and doesn’t allow you to give up.

2.  Unless you are willing to change what doesn’t work you will keep getting the same results. All behavior has critical mass and momentum.

• Remember, time does nothing but pass.
• Things that are bad get worse over time, so anyone who says, “Let some time pass and things will get better”, didn’t know what they were talking about.
• The longer you behave in a particular way, the more energy is behind that way of being. Dysfunction stuff becomes automatic as time goes on.

3.  Change needs to resonate as true for you.

• You know you need to change regardless of what anyone else says. 
• Ask yourself the question: If I was all alone on this universe would my behavior be attractive to ME? Be honest. Are you attractive to your Self?
• If the answer is “No”, then you need to change.

4.  Change is an opportunity to grow and stretch and makes you feel good about yourself.

• If you don’t change and grow, what are you doing on this planet?
• If you think it is to keep making more and money, you are mistaken.
• Remember, an authentic life is different than a successful one.

5.  You can decide whether you want to be around someone who refuses to make changes.

I had a client tell me that her husband said he would never change and that he liked himself just the way he was (with bad behavior and all). I told her that just like he had the right to decide so did she, and that she could decide whether or not she wanted to be around someone who didn’t want to change.