Chandra Unplugged - No nonsense, Straight-up blogging from a Life Coach

Chemistry and Compatibility

Are you and your partner compatible but have no sexual chemistry? If you are struggling with this issue, you are not alone. My experience is that all great relationships have both chemistry and compatibility.

1. If you feel this is a problem, it is. Ignoring it makes it worse.

• This problem does not go away, not matter what excuses you make or how much you want it to disappear.
• Actually, over time, it gets worse.
• Neither chemistry nor compatibility is able to hold the relationship alone

2. You are not being selfish to want both.  You deserve it.

• Ask yourself:  Do I deserve to have both a best friend and a lover in the same person?
• And mostly, do you deserve love?
• You need to answer yes to this question.

3. You cannot talk yourself into chemistry or compatibility.

• There is only one thing sadder than two people who have good sexual chemistry yet can’t seem to be good friends, and that is best friends who just don’t have that sexual chemistry.
• Oftentimes, best friends stay together and deny their sexual nature.
• Resentment usually builds over time.

4. When you have both, the relationship grows in a healthy way.

• All healthy relationships have both chemistry and friendship; this is what allows the partnership to grow and flourish.
• The only way to make-up is with friendship and chemistry.
• Chemistry draws us back to other person even when we are angry and friendship makes us glad we got over our differences.

    5.  This is the cycle and both are needed to complete the circle.

• We are hard-wired for chemistry and your hard-wiring is connected to another's hard-wiring.
• Respect creates compatibility and sustains it.  Without respect, compatibility goes.
• Compatibility nourishes chemistry and chemistry enlivens compatibility. 

Deepening A Relationship

Do you want something more in your relationship than what you have? Learn how to deepen what you already have.

1. You cannot have an open loving relationship unless that is what you are.

• Remember: What you are seeking is always seeking you.
• You will only attract to you what you are.
• If you want someone who is open and loving, you must be the same.

2. You need to be more concerned “feeling” right, rather than being right.

• If what you care about is being right, you will always lose.
• Being right is about the ego, it is a mind game that has nothing to do with real connections.
• “Feeling right” comes from the heart and is truly a heart to heart connection.
• Feeling right always takes place in the present moment and is more concerned with loving than being right.

3. You say how you feel even though you are scared.

• This is not easy. You have to be very brave to be authentic; to not become less because you are concerned with how another person sees you.
• The hard part – How do you say what you need to say and not make the other person defensive?
• How do you take care of yourself and another at the same time?  (Hint - Stay connected to that loving feeling!)

4. You stay when you want to run.

• This is even harder than saying how you feel when you are scared.
• Trust me – we love the ones who stay!!!
• You do this by taking responsibility for your stuff and know that if you leave this relationship without working on your "stuff", you will just have to do it eventually with someone else. 

Keeping The Passion Alive!

We all buy into the platitude that passion diminishes over time… but just because many people say the same thing doesn’t make it so. If you feel your relationship is stagnant and has stopped growing, learn why love actually grows and becomes more passionate if you stay awake and connected.  

1. If you stay awake, passion naturally grows over time.

• Staying awake and passion go hand in hand.
• It is awareness that stirs passion.
• Awareness of your Self increases awareness of another.

2. You cannot “love” unless you like and respect the other person.

• Really liking someone is joyful.
• And the more you respect a person the more your heart opens to them.
• Loving is about acceptance not about perfection.

3. You cannot spoil someone with too much loving.

• Keep loving without waiting for the other person to do it first.
• The more you love, the more you are open to loving.
• There is no such thing as too much good loving.

4. Letting someone “see” who you are, opens hearts to loving.

• Vulnerability is the cornerstone of passion.
• When you hide, your heart closes down.
• Everyone wants to be known.  The more you are known, the more naked you become.  The more "naked" you are, the more passion!!

5. Sex, physical contact, is important.

• But only if you are after a true connection.
• Sex without love is hollow, an itch that is scratched.
• Physical contact between two loving beings is scared and creates true passion.

The Relationship Journey

What we learn:

 

A Relationship is a mirror - Why all of us resonate to the word “relationship” is that there is no better way to know your Self than through relationship.  When we are with another person, the other person becomes our mirror – we see our reflection.  The things we like become reflected back to us and the things we don’t like come reflected back as well.

Not to look at the other person - The main reason relationships are so troublesome is because we forget what is really going on.  When we are feeling unhappy in a relationship, we rarely accept responsibility for that unhappiness but rather project our feelings onto our partner, our boss, our parent, our friend.  When we are unhappy, we think it is the fault of the other person.  If only he would change, if only she would be different…then my life would be better. But someone else changing is just that – it has nothing to do with you and the choices you make. 

To stop being a victim - Only when you are able to stop being a victim, re-claim your power and be brave enough to create the life you want, then finally, you have relationships that work.  You have legs for walking toward and legs for walking away.  Use them.

The journey of Self – discovery -   So…you start one place and end up another. T.S. Eliot said, "It's ending up where you began but knowing the place for the first time." Each relationship gives you an opportunity to see your Self, to stop repeating self-sabotaging patterns, and refine the journey to Self-discovery.  This is the human experience and we are all in this together. Through reaching out and trying to connect with another, we end up connecting with our Self, and find our way back home.

 

Is Your Word Your Bond?

  Do you do what you say you are going to do? If you’ve been told by your partner that you can’t be counted on, learn why nothing is more important than your words and actions matching.

1. Do you promise to do something and then just not do it?
   • Do you realize someone is counting on you? This particular issue causes much unhappiness in relationships.
   • This is a character issue, not a relationship issue, and behavior that influences every part of your life, your work as well as your relationships.
   • Saying you are going to do something and just not doing it is abusive behavior.

2. When you don’t keep your word, do you make excuses?
   • The only thing worse than breaking your word is making excuses for why you didn’t do what you said you were going to do.
   • Making excuses makes you feel worse about yourself.
   • Making excuses, regardless of what they are, never makes it okay.

3. Do you have a cavalier attitude about keeping your word?
   • Do you understand that keeping your word is about class and integrity?
   • Do you dismiss your partner’s reaction as being angry and hysterical rather than focusing on your own behavior?
   • Do you feel that not keeping your word is just something that happens? If so, you are not taking responsibility for this abusive behavior.

4. Do you often end up lying about what really happened?
   • Is lying one of ways you squirm out of situations when you have not done what you said you were going to do?
   • Lying about the situation makes it worse.
   • Tell the truth and take the heat. At some point, unless you step up and take responsibility for this behavior, nothing will ever change/

5. Does your partner say that she/he cannot count on you?
   • If this is something you hear, you need to listen up.
   • You need to be accountable – Nothing is more attractive.
   • Do NOT say you are going to do something if you are not going to do it.

How To Stop Making Your Partner Defensive

Do you say how you feel and often end up making your partner defensive? If you have trouble being real because you do not know how to properly communicate your feelings, it is important to learn how to be both tactful and authentic.  

1. Always talk about yourself – not the other person. This is about how YOU feel.

• ONLY talk about yourself and your feelings.
• Connect to your feelings and how they make you feel. Communicate how you feel without blaming anyone else for those feelings.

2. Start each sentence with “I”, not “You”. (“I felt bad”, not “You made me feel bad.”)

• This is a discipline that you learn and the more you do it the more you feel comfortable talking about yourself.
• When you take responsibility for your own feelings, you open the lines of communication with another.
• Not making the other person guess is the kindest thing you can do.

3. Deliver your message in a statement form and do not wait or press for an answer.

• If you have an agenda, i.e., you need the person to agree with you, this is manipulation.
• Everyone knows when they are being manipulated and set-up. The normal reaction to manipulation is to buck it! 
• If you need your partner to agree with you in order for you to feel good, you are not coming from a clear place and this communication will back-fire.

4. If you are either withdrawing or confronting, you do not know how to properly communicate.

• State what you have to say with no agenda whatsoever.
• You need to be real, at the same time as you are being respectful.

5. Authenticity is the key to real communication.

• Being tactful without being real always will make you resentful.
• Saying what you feel without being conscious of someone else’s feeling never works.
• Being real always takes into account the connection. Practice being real and connecting at the same time.

Longing for a Soul Mate?

Longing For A Soul Mate Is there such a thing as a soul mate? If you’ve been longing for that soulful connection and don’t presently have it, learn why that heartfelt bond is the winning ingredient in all good and lasting relationships.

1. You can know what you are missing even if you have never had it.
   • Oftentimes I hear clients tell me “he’s not the one” even though they have never found “the one.”
   • I guess the question is: How can you know what feels right for you if you have never had it?

    2.    You feel like you are “home” – that this is where you belong?

• Even though we may have never had the feeling of finding the perfect one for us – when you find a “fit”, you know it.
• It is more then chemistry, more than like interests, it is something that says, “This feels like home.”

    3.  You can work on issues but cannot work on that “connection”. Either you have it or you don’t.

• There is an “effortless” feeling that accompanies being with that person.
• We are hard-wired for chemistry. If you do not “feel” that connection, you cannot think your way through it.
• It does not matter how much someone has. When the lights go down, everyone gets on the same playing field.

    4.  Having that connection balances everyday stresses and allows you to feel safe.

• There’s something about knowing this is where you belong.
• Regardless of the ups and downs of everyday life, when you know this is where you belong, you surrender to life and all that it brings.
• Feeling safe is not wanting to be anywhere other than where you are.

    5.  Heart connections are playful, fun and loving.

• There is an innate joy that comes from true heart connection.
• You easily become child-like, un-self-conscious; content to be whom you are, without worry.
• You feel totally accepted for who you are and you don’t try to be anything else.

5 Signs of a Strong, Healthy Relationship

1. 1. The more time you spend together, the more you like each other.

• This is something you "feel", not think.  There is nothing better than really liking another person.  The attraction to another is really about you; how much you like who you are when you are with this person.

2. 2. When angry or upset, never go for the jugular.

• Knowing another person's secrets and vulnerabilities is an honor and must never be used against them.  There is nothing more hurtful than taking this privileged information and using it as a weapon. Unless you honor the depth of this communication, you can never have a strong relationship. 

3. You enjoy sex with your partner.

• Sex is not about having an itch and scratching it - it is about play, and the joy that comes from letting down your walls.  Being naked is a true metaphor for great sex; the openness that comes from taking off our costume and feeling comfortable in our nakedness.

4. You support one another’s interests, even if they’re different than your own.

• You have to really feel confident and loving to do this.  Do you need your partner to like the same things you like?  Supporting another's interests comes from an open heart that understands the need to resonate to what is true for you, and not someone else.   

5. You don’t make the other person guess – You say what you need.

• Saying what you need is devoid of manipulation and the only way to have an authentic relationship. Sometimes it is not easy to speak up, but in the long run, it is always easier to bear the anxiety of shaking up the status quo than living with the  resentment and anger that comes with not getting what you want and need.

Nothing Like Friends

I've had one friend for forty years, several for thirty years and a few for 20 years.  I gave up acquaintances a long time ago.  It's not really that I gave them up, it's just that I don't plan to get together with them anytime soon.  If I'm out and about and I run into them, I enjoy the interaction, but that's about it. 

I guess that's because connecting is what it's all about for me.  I enjoy hanging out with people who really like themselves and feel comfortable in their own skin.  This means I get to be totally myself.  I delight in my friends' quirkiness and I guess they delight in mine. 

Healthy people enjoy the differences and connect beneath the surface.  The connection creates a safe place to grow and flourish and make mistakes.  It is a place where you can be silly, loose your self-consciousness, take down the boundaries that separate you from another.  Good connections make you feel loving and that love is good for the world.

Are You Dreading Thanksgiving Dinner?

With holiday get together's right around the corner, are you already nervous about spending an evening with people you don’t like? If a meddling mother-in-law or an Archie Bunker father-in-law threatens to ruin your holiday fun, learn how to deal with these issues before, during and after dinner.

1. Potential problems need to be discussed and addressed BEFORE everyone shows up.
   • We usually wait to the last minute to do things that cause us anxiety, but once again Thanksgiving is upon us.
   • Do NOT show up for dinner harboring a grudge. If you cannot control your emotions, stay home.
   • Also, if you are the host, remember, whomever you invite to your house is your guest. If you do not feel you can be civil, do not invite the person or better yet, have the dinner somewhere else (so you can leave if you have to.)

2. Partners need to support one another and be very clear about priorities.
   • Oftentimes the dinner table, with everyone present, is the time people pick to bring up issues. Wanting consensus of view is very tempting and more times than not backfires.
   • Partners need to discuss potentially explosive situations beforehand and be UNITED on how to deal with the various issues.
   • There is nothing more unattractive than spouses eliciting support for their different points of view and getting everyone involved in the process.
   • It is a responsibility to have dinner for everyone at your house. If you and your partner are the hosts, it is up to the two of you to make sure everyone is treated with dignity and respect.

3. Abusive behavior is never acceptable. Speak up and set boundaries.
   • An excuse that will not fly is, “This is just the way my father is”, when he says something unkind or abusive.
   • Either as a host or guest, you need to speak up when someone at the table is being diminished, ridiculed, or abused in any way.
   • Say in a very firm way that is non-confrontational, “This conversation is not appropriate and needs to stop now. Please pass the turkey.”

4. Just because you allowed something to happen once, does not mean you have to allow it again.
   • You don not have to put up with something again just because it happened once before. Learn from your mistakes. If something felt bad last year and it has not been addressed, the likelihood of it happening again this year is strong.
   • When your sense of obligation overrides your common sense, you are setting up for failure.
   • Nothing is worse than a dinner gone array. What was initially a celebration has now become a night of hurt feelings. Deal with these issues before the big night.