Chandra Unplugged - No nonsense, Straight-up blogging from a Life Coach

Freud's Repetition Compulsion

 Breaking up is hard to do because it is hard-wired, all about patterns formed in childhood.  It’s what we did in order to survive in our family of origin. We choose a partner we can run our story with, or rather is a good fit with our story. For example, if in your family of origin, no one paid any attention to your feelings, you will innately feel that you do not matter. You may then chose a partner who is unemotionally unavailable to you and when that person treats you the way you have always been treated there will be something about the interaction that is familiar to you .

It's what Freud calls repetition compulsion. We pick a person from the get go who reminds us of someone in our family of origin with the assumption being that if only I can get that person to love me then finally I will be lovable. But the person we pick doesn’t have the ability to love – we set it up that way at the beginning.

In your family of origin you had to figure out what you had to do to get love; it was a matter of surival.  As a child, you had to figure out a way to get love from an unavailable father; that was your job and you became addicted to the struggle.

We repeat that pattern as an adult. Perhaps we keep choosing men who are unavailable, not able to make a commitment to us. If our story is that we don’t matter or that we are unloveable – we will choose a partner who is emotionally unavailable to us and when we are around them and they don’t pay attention to us, we will feel that we are right and we will see that our story is true and  then we will complain about the other person. We will never look at ourselves. Instead of taking responsibility for our unhappiness, we project it onto our partner and say he/she is the cause of it. That is not true. We are responsible for that big hole inside of us – we can’t lay it on someone else.

There’s only 1 way to break an unhealthy relationship, and that’s to understand it’s just about YOU and no one else. You need to understand that no one can make you do anything. You are not unhappy because of anyone else but you are really unhappy about the choices you have made. But just like you made those choices, you can make new ones as well.

Do You Dance The Dance of Intimacy?

Do you and your partner do “the Dance of Intimacy?” If you are still doing the “come close/go away” dance, learn how to stop and make a real connection.

1. Recognize the pursurer-distancer pattern. Which one are you?

• I guess it really does not matter which part you play; when you participate, you keep the dance going.
• Regardless of what your partner is doing, take responsibility for your behavior.  Remember, it takes two to tango.
• Stopping the dysfunction means you are willing to stop what YOU are doing. Do not focus on your partner. When you focus on someone else, you never have the power to change

2. Self-validate. Don’t share only to get agreement for your viewpoint.

• Confidence that comes from an inner life is very appealing. Bravado that comes from the ego is not.
• To be self-referring means that you are not waiting for another to validate your way of looking at the world, but rather you look to yourself to do that.
• Do not share just to get consensus for your point of view. That is not sharing; it is manipulation.

3. It’s not if couples fight, it’s “how” they fight that matters.

• At some point, all couples disagree with one another. This is simply what happens in life and not a big deal.
• If you know how to “fight”, these disagreements can actually bring you closer.
• Respectfully allowing another to disagree with you without making the other person “wrong” is an art, and the foundation of all good and healthy communication.

4. Don’t think when the other person is talking.

• It is very rude to be thinking what you are going to say next when the other person is talking. You cannot listen when you are focused on what you are going to say.
• Set rules for talking to one another and follow them.
• Stop talking if you are constantly interrupted. Tell your partner when you are done talking, he can talk for three minutes and you will listen and not interrupt him. This way you will both learn how to talk and listen without interruption.

5. Everyone is scared in unknown territory. Be brave.

• Doing it a different way is always scary at first but the only way to move in a new direction.
• Being on the same page means both partners take responsibility for changing themselves.
• Stay centered and focused on YOU.  We change because we want to change - that's it.

Lack of Intimacy?

Do you complain about not having intimacy in your relationship yet you’re still not sure how to get it? If you’ve been blaming your partner for the lack of closeness, it is important to learn why being intimate is always about you, not the other person.

1. If you can be intimate, you won’t stay long with someone who can’t.

• Anyone who wants real intimacy will at some point, stop complaining, and leave a relationship that lacks intimacy.
• Being intimate is ALWAYS about you; it represents your degree of openness.
• If you are in a relationship that lacks intimacy, ask yourself why you are staying.  What excuses are you making?

2. You must be willing to self-disclose.

• Unless you are willing to let another person in, you will never have intimacy.
• Are you two thieves in the night? Are you best friends?
• Intimacy is about trust. Do you trust him with your vulnerabilities?

3. You cannot wait for the other person to do it first. If you do, it will never happen.

• This says it all!
• Being guarded and protected is the opposite of love.
• Getting to know another takes time; allow the process to happen naturally. 

4. You must be vulnerable to be intimate.

• Are you able to share feelings that only you feel?
• This kind of intimacy comes from being open and real.
• When are intimate with yourself – you know who you really are – only then can you be intimate with another.

    5.  Unless you are comfortable with yourself, you can never be intimate with another.

• Intimacy is about accepting your dark side as well as your light.
• Have you made peace with your demons?  We all have them.
• We love the most the ones who love and accept us.

Afraid of Being Alone?

Are you staying in a bad relationship because you’re afraid of being alone?  If the prospect of being alone scares you more than the unhealthy relationship you’re already in, learn why the ability to be alone is actually the key ingredient to having a good relationship.

1. Nothing is lonelier than being in an unloving relationship.
   • It is one thing to get lonely when you are by yourself; you look around and no one is there. 
   • It is another thing to lie next to your partner in bed and feel all alone.  Nothing is lonelier than that.
   • Loving relationships have the ability to take down the walls; unloving ones keep them up.

2. To know what makes you feel good, you must spend time alone.
   • There is only one way to know who you are really are; you must spend time alone.
   • Alone time allows us to quiet all those other voices in our head other than our own.  For the first time we are then able to hear our own voice.
   • So much of the time we are busy trying to figure out how to make the other person like us; we need time alone to figure out how we can like ourselves.

3. Things come out when you are alone and that is good.
   • Being alone, eventually the mind begins to quiet down and things that were in darkness come to the light.
   • Self-acceptance comes from a very quiet place.  Being alone allows you to “feel” your way through the darkness.
   • Our frame of reference narrows; we become Self-referring, i.e., we look inside for the answers, rather than outside, to others.

4. Everyone feels lonely at times; this is natural and normal, the human condition.
   • Loneliness is part of the human condition.  It is the existential slice of life that can never be changed; you will always feel lonely at times.
   • You come in alone and you will go out alone – no one’s opinion can change that.
   • Being lonely is different than being alone.  Being alone is a choice that we make because we choose to enjoy our own company.

5. If you can be alone, you have inner strength.
   • You also have self-esteem and self respect.
   • Enjoying your own company sets you free.
   • When you like your own company, you choose from a different place – you are around certain people because you just want to be, and for no other reason than that.

How To Get Out Of A Narcissistic Relationship

Are you with a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde? If you are stuck in an emotionally, mentally, verbally, or physically abusive relationship, have lost your self-respect and self-esteem, feel more and more isolated from friends and family, and have a “walking on eggs” relationship, you need to join this group. The narcissist’s best weapon is his tongue. He never accepts blame for   anything and never apologizes. He has a total lack of empathy. These relationships are “too good to be true” at the beginning but quickly disintegrate once he has captured you with his charm.

Learn how to recognize this abusive relationship, stop being a victim, and take your power back. Learn that you are not alone and that many people are fooled initially. Narcissists get worse over time, so do not think this relationship will get better.

To register - Go To: www.meetup.com “Are You With A Narcissist?”

When:  Saturday, December 5, 2009, 1-3 PM

Where: 3410 Henderson Ave, Suite 200, Tampa, Fl 33609

Cost: $25 on-line or call 813.348.9885

Talking Your Relationship to Death

Are you addicted to relationship talk: “Where are we in this relationship?  I feel I need a commitment from you. We need to talk.”  If your relationship is dying a slow death by talking about it ad nausea, learn how to stop talking about your life and start living it.

 

1. Constant discussion is an addiction.  This has nothing to do with the actual relationship.
   • Constantly talking about the relationship becomes a substitute for actually living one. 
   • Constant discussion is an addiction and keeps you anesthetized. 
   • When you stay focused in your head, rather than your heart, you are always one step away from connecting.  

 

2. Stop calling family and friends to gain consensus for your point of view.
   • Are you doing this?  Be really honest with yourself. 
   • When you are always giving your point of view and have the need for someone to agree with you, this has nothing to do with feeling right and all to do with wanting to be right.
   • Gaining consensus for your point of view is all about the ego.  The truth is you feel bad and are looking for the person on the other end of the phone to make you feel good.  This is simply a momentary high and will not last very long before you have to pick up the phone and call someone else.

3. Do you feel rejected if you do not get the answer you want from your partner?
   • Is it okay to discuss differing points of view and not be invested in getting the other person to see it your way?  Can you be with someone who sees it differently than you do?
   • This does not mean you put up with behavior that is disrespectful or objectionable, but rather that you do not “try” and change someone else.
   • People change because they want to change.  Simply express how you feel and see what the other person does.

4. Do you need to know where your partner is all the time?
   • Constant “relationship” talk is always about insecurity and often results in having to know where your partner is at every minute.
   •  This behavior is very unattractive and ultimately will destroy the relationship.
   • Look at your cell phone.  Do you call your “partner” more than once a day just to check-in?  How do you feel when you can’t get through?

5. Do you get anxious when you think of being alone?
   • If you cannot be alone, cannot enjoy your own company, you can never have a healthy relationship. 
   • The ability to be alone is probably the most important factor in having a successful relationship.
   • If you do not like your own company and cannot be alone, you will constantly talk rather than face that fear.

Out of Control Anger is Abuse

Are you living with someone whose anger is out of control? Unleashed anger is a form of emotional abuse. Ask yourself the following questions:

1. Does your partner’s rage scare you?

• Be honest. Do you recoil when your partner exhibits aggressive behavior?
• Aggressive behavior is designed to shut you up, to cause you to back away, to scare you.
• Anger comes in many forms – verbal as well as physical – psychological as well as emotional and mental.

2. Do you think about everything you say before you say it?

• If part of this scenario is that you have a “walking on eggs” relationship, that means you are tiptoeing around the other person; you are afraid of the other’s reaction.
• Continually thinking what you are going to say before you say it is a form of torture and yet many people live this way.
• There is nothing worse than constantly going over your words, trying to make sure you say the right thing. Once you are in this place, regardless of what you say, it will not be the right thing.

3. Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?

• Do you feel belittled and diminished in this relationship?
• When you express your feelings do you end up wishing you hadn’t?
• Remember – this is the goal of rage and anger and if you continue to participate in this process, it will only get worse.

4. Does your partner go for the jugular, saying things to wound you?

• Knowing another is an honor and when your vulnerabilities are used against you, there is nothing worse.
• Going for the jugular means that your partner knows exactly what to say to hurt you.
• Immediately STOP the conversation.  Disengage.

5. Does your partner throw away your belongings, destroy objects and threaten pets?

• If this is happening, you need to leave immediately.
• Physical violence happens in an instant but builds gradually.
• It is only a matter of time before this relationship escalates into physical abuse.

Do You Have To Be Right?

Do you have to be right all the time? Isn’t it exhausting? It took me a long time to figure out, but I prefer feeling right to being right.

1. Feeling right is always better than being right.

• How many times have you been right but felt lousy afterward? You’ve proved your point, gotten the other person to agree with you; you should be feeling great, but you don’t.
• Giving up the need to always be right is the beginning of having a loving relationship.
• Feeling connected is what it’s all about, not being right.

2. Feeling good about being right is always short-lived.

• The immediate boost from being right is always short-lived.
• This is about the ego: a momentary conquest that has no legs and will not go the distance.
• The minute the momentum of victory has worn off you will feel isolated and alone.

3. Having to be right pushes people away and is unattractive.

• There is something very unappealing about a person who's sense of self is based on having to be right.
• When you are secure, you do not need anyone to agree with you about anything.
• Can you feel good about something being right for you even though it may not be right for someone else?

4. Having to be right is always about insecurity.

• When you need another person to agree with your point of view and you can’t “feel good” unless they do, your sense of self is very fragile.
• Do not confuse having the right facts with your sense of entitlement to be right.
• Pushing someone to see it your way is manipulative and unattractive.
• Insecurity pushes people away – the same people you want to be close to.

5. Having to be right takes a lot of work.

• This is exhausting work.
• Having to be right means that you are ultimately invested in another person seeing things your way. Why?
• So what if someone sees it differently than you do.  What difference does it make?

Are You In A "Sexless" Relationship?

Are you in a “sexless” relationship with a partner who does not see this as a problem?

1. Have you told your partner that this is a problem?

• It is your responsibility to speak up.  If you feel this is important to you, you need to talk to your partner about it now.
• Speaking up is the beginning and possibility of change. Unless you speak up there is no changing this situation.
• We are often afraid to say anything because instinctively we know that if we do, the status quo - as we know it - can never be the same.

2. Stop rationalizing and pretending it is okay if it is not.

• There is nothing worse than pretending; it is a denial of the Self and all that it stands for.
• Pretending sends a message to the inner Self that says, “I am not worth it”.
• We pretend that all is okay if we are afraid to feel the feelings, whatever they are.

    3.  You are entitled to want sex and physical intimacy in your life even though your partner does not.

• It is always a mistake to deny your feelings.  Physical intimacy is what makes your feel soft and open towards your partner. It is the feeling you need to have in order to want to “make-up”.
• Is this a "deal-breaker"?  Be honest.  Will you retreat or do something stupid if this is not remedied?
• Regardless of the outcome, you are entitled to have this important component in your relationship.

    4. Does your partner continue to ignore your needs even after you have said this is important to you?

• This is a  very important point. No one can ignore your needs unless you ignore them.
• It is your job to take responsibility for the things you need and to make sure you are being heard and understood.
• If you keep saying the same thing and nothing changes, it is up to you to change the dynamic in the relationship.

5. Do you want to stay in a relationship where your needs are not being met?

•  If the answer is no, this means you need to set a boundary, i.e., a new course of action if nothing changes.
• Never give an ultimatum. An ultimatum is a threat.
• A boundary is not a threat, but simply a statement that says how you feel and what you need in order to go forward.

Do You Feel Equal and Valued In Your Relationship?

Did you both agree that you’d be a stay-at-home mom and now your husband tells you “You have it easy?” Do you feel you do “everything” around the house and feel resentful because of it?

1. Did you both decide you would stay home and raise the children and he would have a job outside the house?

• If you both decided on how you would divide the duties in your house, why are you now having these issues?
• Just because a woman agrees to take care of the children does not mean she will take care of everything. It also does not mean that she can be financially irresponsible and not know what she has and doesn't have.
• And just because a man makes the money, does not mean that he is not part of taking care of the house and children.

2.  Both partners do different jobs during the day, but at day’s end, both are parents and both are responsible for the life they have created.

• Expressing gratitude for one another’s contribution is the key to a strong, healthy relationship. 
• Does your husband value what you do as much as he values what he does?
• Are you secure in what you do and do you feel like an equal partner in the relationship? 

3. Does your husband or partner tell you “You have it easy” and do you defend your position?

• If you feel you are doing your job, never let anyone tell you that you have it easy; and never defend yourself.
• When your partner says that to you, he is either being critical or resentful; he is not sharing his real feelings with you.
• If one partner is resentful, it will erode the relationship. 

4. Does the moneymaker have the power in your relationship?

• It’s unfortunate, but making money seems to often take precedence over doing good work.
• Do not feel controlled because you do not make the money.
• If you feel powerful in your position, you will not allow yourself to be diminished.

5.  Do you feel that what you do is as important as what your husband does?

• You need to feel good about what you do. If you feel your contribution is less than your husbands’s or feel you are afraid to work for a living, you will always be in a one down position.
• Knowing you can take care of yourself, gives you the power to do whatever you want and feel good about it.
• Remember, no one can ever make you feel less about yourself unless you feel that way already.