Chandra Unplugged - No nonsense, Straight-up blogging from a Life Coach

Are You Living With an Emotional Bully?

Are you living with an emotional bully?  This is abusive behavior that has long lasting effects and can cripple you for life.  This is behavior you can stop.

 

Understand that abusive behavior is psychological as well as physical.

• Emotional bullies are abusive, verbally and mentally. 
• Remember, no one just gets up one day and just hits another person. 
• Abuse is gradual and builds over time.  All physical abuse started out as emotional abuse. 

Immediately set boundaries.  You are being bullied because you allow it.

• Sometime when the abuse has been going on for awhile, you are very isolated, without friends and family. 
• This is what the abuser is counting on. 
• Reach out and ASK for help – from anyone who will listen!!

Going for the jugular is a sign of emotional abuse.  It destroys people and relationships and nothing good can come of it.

• When your most sacred secrets are used as a weapon to hurt you, you are being abused.
• There is nothing uglier than this. 
• It is a betrayal of all that is loving and good.

Use discipline and do not participate in the interchange.  Leave the room; go for a drive, if necessary.

• There is only one way to survive and that is not to engage on any level. 
• I know it is difficult to walk away, but the only way to stop the abuse is to not participate on any level.
• You have to TOTALLY disengage.

Seek professional help if you cannot change the situation on your own.

• Once you do this – the rest will follow. 
• This is the first step in the long process of healing.
• This will take time but at some point you WILL heal. 

 

Do You Have Intimacy in Your Friendships?

 

 
Are you aware of not having intimacy in your friendships? Being intimate is always about you, not the other person. The choices you make create your relationships and define who you are.

 We all have a dark side, a side we want to keep hidden, afraid if we share it, it will come back to haunt us.  But what really haunts us is what we keep hidden.  It takes a whole lot more energy to be secretive and "private" than it does be be open and connected.  Besides, once we open up we are relieved, and realize our secrets were not such a big deal.  After all, we are all human and it is through that humanity that we are connected.  Nothing feels better than being known and accepted for who we really are - the dark side as well as the light.  This is the core of intimacy. 

     1. Anyone who wants real intimacy will at some point stop complaining. 

• Being intimate is ALWAYS about you; it represents your degree of openness.
• If you are in a relationship that lacks intimacy, ask yourself why you are staying.  What excuses are you making?
• If the other person refuses to be open, you can accept the relationship will only go so far and take it for what it is - an acquaintance.  

    2. You must be willing to self-disclose.  This is most important!

• Unless you are willing to let another person in, you will never have intimacy.
• Are you two thieves in the night? Are you best friends?
• Intimacy is about trust. Do you trust her/him with your vulnerabilities?

    3.You cannot wait for the other person to do it first. If you do, it will never happen.

• This says it all!
• Being guarded and protected is the opposite of love.  Secrets push people away. 
• Getting to know another takes time; allow the process to happen naturally. 

    4. You must be vulnerable to be intimate.

• Are you able to share feelings that only you feel?
• This kind of intimacy comes from being open and real.
• When you are intimate with yourself – you know who you really are – only then can you be intimate with another.

    5.  Unless you are comfortable with yourself, you can never be intimate with another.

• Intimacy is about accepting your dark side as well as your light.
• Have you made peace with your demons?  We all have them.
• We love the most the ones who love and accept us.

Do You Have A "Walking on Eggs Relationship?

 

A Walking On Eggs Relationship

Is your relationship unbearably stressful?  If you are tip-toeing around your partner, always censuring yourself and afraid to speak out, you have a communication nightmare.  There is trouble in this relationship.

Thinking about everything before you say it is torture.   This is a form of self-abuse.  Just talk - it's going to come out anyway!  Be conscious of the pressure and resentment that builds from stuffing your feelings and give yourself permission to speak.  Remember healthy relationships are about being the most that you can be; cranking it up, not toning it down.

If you're always trying to figure out the other person's mood to see when the best time to talk is, you need to stop doing that.  When is the best time to talk?  The best time is always now.  There is no time like the present.   When you manipulate your behavior to coincide with someone else's mood, you always suffer.  Basing what you say and what you don't say on another person automatically denies you the right to be yourself.  Your job is to be truthful and open and honest - not to figure out the "best" time to talk to another person. 

When you feel angry and resentful a lot of the time you are denying your Self.  Anger is really sadness turned upside down; when you feel your sadness you are no longer angry.  Not speaking what you are feeling produces anger (which is really sadness.) If you cannot be real, you have nothing. 

Be brave.  Decide right now that you are going to stop dancing around and step up.  Love yourself enough to take a chance on you.  Ask yourself:  Are your intentions good?  Do you have the other's best interest at heart?  Do you want the same good things for your partner that you want for yourself?  If you can honestly answer yes to all these questions, than open up your mouth and speak and be yourself.  You deserve it!!

Are You Rescuing and How To Stop!

Ask yourself honestly, "Do you have one or more dysfunctional relationship in your life where you keep repeating the same scenario over and over again?"  If so, this blog is meant for you!

Often when this is happening, we focus on the other person who is "making us" crazy and keep waiting for him or her to change.  We tell ourselves, "If only he would stop doing this (whatever this is) than I would be fine."  But "this" never stops and the cycle continues. 

In a blink of an eye, we are three years down the road still complaining of the same stuff.  We threaten to leave, issue ultimatums, scream, yell, withhold sex for a day, give the silent treatment, keep telling our story, suffer in silence, become isolated, etc., but still no change.  Why?

It's simple - the medium is the message.  As long as you stay, and continue to communicate, you will never be taken seriously.  You need to disengage.  Not partially, but completely. 

When you continue to stay in a dysfunctional relationship that does not change, it is because YOU will not change.  The message you deliver is "I will make a big fuss but I will never leave."  And that is because YOU are co-dependent and are more addicted to the struggle of the relationship than in actually getting what you say you want.

Relationships have a poker quality to them - and anyone (even someone really messed up) can recognize a bluff.  Unless you have healthy boundaries that protect you from abuse, you will never have a healthy relationship.  We teach people how to treat us, plain and simple.

All feelings are passed like osmosis and create healthy relationships, just like co-dependent ones.  Unless you take FULL responsibility for what you have pulled into your life and make the changes you need to make for self-esteem and self-respect, nothing will ever change. 

I have had many of my clients ask me if I meet a lot of deadbeats.  The answer is no.  (That is not to say at one time in my life I did not have them.)  When a deadbeat meets me and if I am going East, he looks at his compass and goes West.  He knows - he feels - he cannot run his racket around me. 

Deadbeats come in all sizes and shapes and cross the gender barrier.  They all feel victimized and they all want you to rescue them.  They know a good mark when they see one.  It does not matter what anyone else does or says - what matters is what you do and say.  Unless you can stay behind your words and act with dignity, you will never be taken seriously. 

Rescuing, trying to change someone (not your business), going back again and again and repeating the same issues - only you can stop this.  Rescuing is a co-dependent "dis-ease" that gets worse over time.  It is the opposite of authenticity, forcing you to bury your real feelings under the guise of "helping".  If you do not change your behavior and set healthy boundaries, it will eventually kill your spirit and succeed in separating you from your true self.   

Ending The Relationship - Parting With Dignity

Are you ready to call it quits? If you and your spouse have decided to end your relationship but you are still constantly fighting and hurting one another, it is essential to learn how to part with grace and dignity.

1. Maybe you both just did the best that you could. Stop blaming now.

• The same way people are at one time meant to be together is the same way they are, at another time, not meant to be together.
• Sometimes people just grow apart; they go in different directions.
• We often feel we have to make the other person wrong in order to leave – we do not.

2. Remember you’ve loved and been intimate with this person.

• There is nothing sadder than trashing something that at one time was sacred.
• Just because you do not have a future together does not mean that you cannot have kind and loving feelings for that person.
• Remember, when you diminish and destroy the person you have shared a life with, you diminish and destroy yourself as well.

3. Give him the couch; you’ll get a life.

• A dining room set is not the same as a life. No matter how many things you get, they will never take away the sadness of a failed relationship.
• In the process of separating, if you feel you’ve won, your happiness will most likely be short-lived.
• This is not about winning or being right, but about feeling right about your Self.

4. Words have the power to wound. Choose them carefully.

• You always have the choice as to what you want to come out of your mouth. Remember, your words define you, regardless of what you say about anyone else.
• If what comes out of your mouth is ugly, you will be seen as ugly as well.
• Knowing another person is an honor and has sacredness attached to it. When you betray someone’s vulnerabilities, because you are hurt, that is the ultimate betrayal.

5. Regardless of the circumstances, you will feel like you have failed – this is natural.

• Ending a relationship is usually accompanied by a certain amount of sadness. We enter relationships, never with the thought that they will end, but always with the hope that will last forever.
• When you end a relationship there is a closing of one door. Even if you go from one relationship to another (not recommended), there is always a let-down, a realization that something has ended.
• Unless you are willing to mourn the end of a relationship in a healthy way, you will carry all the “nonsense” with you to the next one.

Keeping The Peace - Too Big A Price To Pay!

 

If you feel angry and resentful a lot of the time it could very well be because you are doing things that you really don’t want to do. If you often give in to keep the peace, but silently feel resentful, it is important to understand when giving in works and when it doesn’t.

1. If you are keeping score, you can never relax in the relationship.

• Keeping score makes you ugly - to yourself!
• Keeping score is exhausting.
• Keeping score is the opposite of a loving relationship.

2. Joy exists only in the moment. If you want to be somewhere other than where you are, you will never feel good.

• Compromises are about Chinese or Italian, not about matters of the heart.
• Do not compromise with your spirit.
• Do not do something you don't want to do with the hope that someone will do the same for you.

3. Say how you feel in a non-confrontational way.  Nothing horrible will happen.

• Can you say how you feel without making one person wrong and one person right?
• Ask yourself, "Is it okay to not agree?"
• Is it okay to be different people with different interests.

4. Resentment shuts you down and isolates you from your partner.

• Do you feel connected? If not, what is keeping you from that connection?
• Resentment is always about you and your not being honest with yourself.
• Resentment means you do things you do not want to do because you hope in doing them that you will be loved.

5. It is okay to have different interests, not agree, and do things separately.

• If you cannot answer “yes” to this, your relationship will not be very joyful.
• Can you support your partner's interests even if they are different than your own.
• Do you feel confident enough to pursue your own interests nn matter what?

Not Really About The Money

   
 1. Money issues are not about money.

• When you do not have access to your own money, you do not have any power in the relationship.
• Money and sex are the two key issues in most relationships.
• Knowing how to handle money is part of growing up.

2. Refuse to be treated like a child – Have your own access to money.

• Do you have to “ask” for whatever money you have? If so, you are being treated like a child.
• Make sure you have one bank account that is just for you. Set up your own personal bank account and put some money in it.
• Make sure this is an account where you are not accountable to anyone.

3. How you set it up in the beginning is usually how it is.

•  Watch how the money is spent. Is he generous? Do you have to report what you spent?
• What you set up at the beginning is what you get in the end.
• Money issues usually surface fairly quickly in a relationship.

4. You need to value your contribution to the relationship – If you don’t, no one will.

• Often at the beginning of a relationship, a division of labor is set up.
• The man works and the woman stays home and takes care of the children.
• Are these positions equal and do they merit equal access to joint funds?

5. Know exactly what money and assets you have – Ask, if you don’t know.

• Information is power.
• Do you know what assets you have or have you left all that business to your partner?
• If you do not know what you are entitled to, what you have, you can never be an equal partner in the relationship.

Freud's Repetition Compulsion

 Breaking up is hard to do because it is hard-wired, all about patterns formed in childhood.  It’s what we did in order to survive in our family of origin. We choose a partner we can run our story with, or rather is a good fit with our story. For example, if in your family of origin, no one paid any attention to your feelings, you will innately feel that you do not matter. You may then chose a partner who is unemotionally unavailable to you and when that person treats you the way you have always been treated there will be something about the interaction that is familiar to you .

It's what Freud calls repetition compulsion. We pick a person from the get go who reminds us of someone in our family of origin with the assumption being that if only I can get that person to love me then finally I will be lovable. But the person we pick doesn’t have the ability to love – we set it up that way at the beginning.

In your family of origin you had to figure out what you had to do to get love; it was a matter of surival.  As a child, you had to figure out a way to get love from an unavailable father; that was your job and you became addicted to the struggle.

We repeat that pattern as an adult. Perhaps we keep choosing men who are unavailable, not able to make a commitment to us. If our story is that we don’t matter or that we are unloveable – we will choose a partner who is emotionally unavailable to us and when we are around them and they don’t pay attention to us, we will feel that we are right and we will see that our story is true and  then we will complain about the other person. We will never look at ourselves. Instead of taking responsibility for our unhappiness, we project it onto our partner and say he/she is the cause of it. That is not true. We are responsible for that big hole inside of us – we can’t lay it on someone else.

There’s only 1 way to break an unhealthy relationship, and that’s to understand it’s just about YOU and no one else. You need to understand that no one can make you do anything. You are not unhappy because of anyone else but you are really unhappy about the choices you have made. But just like you made those choices, you can make new ones as well.

Do You Dance The Dance of Intimacy?

Do you and your partner do “the Dance of Intimacy?” If you are still doing the “come close/go away” dance, learn how to stop and make a real connection.

1. Recognize the pursurer-distancer pattern. Which one are you?

• I guess it really does not matter which part you play; when you participate, you keep the dance going.
• Regardless of what your partner is doing, take responsibility for your behavior.  Remember, it takes two to tango.
• Stopping the dysfunction means you are willing to stop what YOU are doing. Do not focus on your partner. When you focus on someone else, you never have the power to change

2. Self-validate. Don’t share only to get agreement for your viewpoint.

• Confidence that comes from an inner life is very appealing. Bravado that comes from the ego is not.
• To be self-referring means that you are not waiting for another to validate your way of looking at the world, but rather you look to yourself to do that.
• Do not share just to get consensus for your point of view. That is not sharing; it is manipulation.

3. It’s not if couples fight, it’s “how” they fight that matters.

• At some point, all couples disagree with one another. This is simply what happens in life and not a big deal.
• If you know how to “fight”, these disagreements can actually bring you closer.
• Respectfully allowing another to disagree with you without making the other person “wrong” is an art, and the foundation of all good and healthy communication.

4. Don’t think when the other person is talking.

• It is very rude to be thinking what you are going to say next when the other person is talking. You cannot listen when you are focused on what you are going to say.
• Set rules for talking to one another and follow them.
• Stop talking if you are constantly interrupted. Tell your partner when you are done talking, he can talk for three minutes and you will listen and not interrupt him. This way you will both learn how to talk and listen without interruption.

5. Everyone is scared in unknown territory. Be brave.

• Doing it a different way is always scary at first but the only way to move in a new direction.
• Being on the same page means both partners take responsibility for changing themselves.
• Stay centered and focused on YOU.  We change because we want to change - that's it.