Chandra Unplugged - No nonsense, Straight-up blogging from a Life Coach

Confused? To Leave or To Stay...

Is your relationship in jeopardy and are you wondering whether to leave or stay? Here are some questions to ask yourself before you make this life changing decision.

1. Have you stopped blaming your mate and accepted 100% responsibility for your part in this relationship?

• One hundred percent!! Not fifty percent or seventy percent.
• Accepting full responsibility for your life and the relationship you created automatically gives you back the power to create something different going forward.
• Regardless of what happened, you decided to stay in this relationship as long as you have.  You could have left at any time. 

2. Are you willing to do whatever you have to do to work on your issues?

• First, are you willing to look at just yourself and not your partner?
• Unless you are prepared to focus on your stuff, you will always end up making excuses.
• The best time to leave a relationship is when you know you have done all you can do to work on your issues and still you are not in sync with your partner.

3. Do you feel this is where you “belong”, no matter what the trials and tribulations?

• Is there more good stuff than bad stuff? 
• I have a friend that says, “We love the ones who stay”. So many people are willing to bolt once the real living takes place. People are different from one another. No matter how much you care for someone, there are going to be times when you simply don’t want to be there.
• Sometimes we just know this is where we belong.

4. Are you willing to be brutally honest with yourself and your partner?

• Being brutally honest means not ignoring the red flags and knowing when enough is enough.
• Never stay when you are being physically abused or emotionally disrespected and diminished.
• Leave when you feel you have done all the things you need to do for you to make it right and it still feels wrong.

Finding A Match - Be Clear What Works

Are you looking for your match and not quite sure how to find it? Here's what to look for and the clues and questions to ask yourself:

1. You learn what you want by knowing what you don’t want.

• We never wake up one day and know exactly what we want. Everyone learns through a process of elimination.
• We usually go in through the back door, figuring out all the things we don’t like. “Not this, not this”, we say all the while moving closer to what works for us
• If you don't feel "clearer" as to what works for you, you are doing something wrong.

2. You will attract to you who you are.

• You will automatically attract a match for your vibration.
• If you don’t like what your are attracting, stop and take a look at yourself.  Take responsibility for "pulling" the wrong kind of person for you. 
•  Stop until you can honestly reassess and know you have broken that dysfunctional pattern. 

3. There is never a “right” time to say what you feel. Speak up - share feelings and ask questions.

• Right now is the right time. There is never a right time not to be nervous.  We all get nervous when we put our feelings on the line.
• When you try to figure out when the right time is, you lose important time, time that belongs to you.
• Be dignified, treat the other the same way you would want to be treated, take a deep breath and speak your feelings.

4. Unless you learn from your mistakes, you will keep repeating what doesn’t work.

• There is no end to the number of times you can make the same mistakes.
• You will be old and not look good in your clothes if you don’t learn from your mistakes.
• Grow old gracefully and do things differently.

    5.  Ask yourself, "Do I feel comfortable being "me" in this relationship?'

• Do you feel accepted - as a work in progress? 
• Do you feel comfortable in your own skin when you are with your partner?
• Can you laugh at yourself?

Why We Keep Commitments - We Want To!

When you make a commitment – can you keep it? Here are the reasons why commitments work:

1. There is an ease being with the other person.

• You like that person’s company better than anyone else’s.
• It’s a great feeling to really like the person you are with. What a relief!!
• Like and respect go hand and hand and are essential to loving.

2. You feel safe. We naturally want to keep commitments when we feel safe.

• You know that no matter what happens, the other person would never intentionally hurt you.
• You also feel you can be vulnerable. If you can’t cry with your partner, you can never really be open.
• Knowing another is an honor; there is a sacredness that is acknowledged, recognized, and never broken.

3. You feel supported personally and professionally and feel encouraged to develop your skills and talents.

• Even when those interests are different than your own, you are supportive of your partner.
• Real loving means you want the same things for your partner that you want for yourself.
• Nothing is more loving than having support and encouragement when going in a new direction.

4. Even when things get tough, you stay when you want to go, because you “know” this is where you belong.

• Assuming the relationship is reasonably healthy, you’re not so quick to run when you get upset or discouraged.
• All relationships go through fits and starts and you are willing to go through these times without creating great drama.
• Navigating these difficult junctures is what the makes the relationship flexible (able to bend without breaking) and makes you feel good about yourself and the other. It’s what deepens the bond and opens your heart to loving.

Thinking of Moving In?? Are You Sure?

1.  First, look realistically at the time frame. Has enough time passed for the two of you to really know one  another?

• Oftentimes, our own insecurity makes us jump the gun.
• Commitments build naturally as we get to know one another and getting to know another person takes time.  That does not mean you have your own personal boundaries and timelines. If you feel the relationship is not deepening as time goes on, you have the right to say, “This is not working for me. It seems like the things we want are different. I wish you best but feel it is time to go our own separate ways.”
• In the final analysis, commitment making has nothing to do with “feeling” committed.

2.  If you want a commitment in order to live together, do not live together until you have one.

• Once you live together, backtracking is always difficult.
• If you feel you have been with the other person long enough and the relationship is not deepening, living together is not going to make this happen.
• If you are not 100% sure of this relationship, do NOT live together.

3.  There is nothing more stressful than moving out of the house you are living in (it's not your house), and that is what you will be doing if you move into someone else’s place.

• Even though you can do it, it gets tedious after a while and wears you down.
• How do you feel packing up your stuff and leaving the house you have been calling your home?
• How  any times will you do this until you learn not to?

4.  Never threaten or give an ultimatum. People do not love from a place of fear.

• You may get a commitment if you give an ultimatum but it will never be the commitment you want.
• Real commitments come freely, unsolicited, and with great love.
• Real commitments come without asking.  A client once asked me if I would ever ask for a commitment and I said I would rather jump from the balcony. Asking for commitment is like asking to be loved. You deserve to be loved simply because you are loveable.

5.  Accept the truth whatever it is.

• Either someone wants to be with you or they do not.
• It’s really this simple. And what makes it even simpler is for you not to want to be with anyone who doesn’t want to be with you.
• Accept what is and carry on with dignity and self-respect.

Equality and Courting - You Can Have Both!

Are you confused about the differences between men and women, want to earn a big paycheck, but still want your car door opened? Equality and courting are not mutually exclusive and exist side by side in the best relationships.

1.  Equality refers to opportunity; it is very different than courting.

• Courting happens in the heart, equality happens in the brain.
• Courting bypasses the brain. When a man opens a car door for a woman there is male/female exchange of energy.
• He feels more male and she feels more female.  This is what creates the chemistry.

2.  As women, when we try to be the same as a man, we deny ourselves the enjoyment of being a woman.

• Although we may come into this world as either male or female, unless we enjoy who we are, we miss a lot of delight and joy.
• I do not think our sex is an accident.
• I know why I am female this time (I have lessons to learn). PS. I could do male standing on my head.

3.  Men are confused about what makes women feel good but we have confused them. And now we don’t like the result.

• Women need to re-evaluate what feels good to them.
• In order for there to be chemistry, the male/female polarity needs to be in place.
• In relationship, when a woman behaves like a man she automatically pulls a more feminine male counterpart and then wonders why a strong, masculine man is not attracted to her.

4.  Men and Women are different and different things make them feel good.

• Do not try to make a man like your girlfriends, and do not treat a woman like one of the guys. Nothing more needs to be said.
• A feeling of equality comes naturally when we have nothing to prove and can simply enjoy the differences.
• This is clearly a case where the whole is more than the sum of its parts.

Married, Separated or Available?

Are you dating someone who is either married or separated? If you are - Things You Need to Know:

1. 1. There is a reason why divorce and separation are two different stages – one is final, one is not.

• It is always best to wait till someone is divorced.
• In my practice, I have known many people who have all the intention in world of getting divorced, but somehow never do.
• Also, many who are separated go back to their spouses.

2. In order to be fully present in one relationship, you must be out of the other.

• Ask if you are unsure of someone’s status.  Anyone really available will not begin a new relationship until out of the present one.
• I remember once asking a guy if he was divorced. He said, “It’s the same as being divorced”. I asked him just exactly what that was. He told me he had been separated for many years and that they had an agreement. Is that unattractive or what?
• Ask yourself - Do you really want to be with someone who is available for a real relationship?

3. Married people (separated people) are not available – period.

• OK. Here’s the deal. If you’re married, you are not really available to begin a new relationship. And what a crummy way to start a new relationship.
• If you are in the process of “getting” a divorce, much of the conversation is about that – what is going on with your ex., he said, she said stuff, lawyers and conversation about when the divorce will be final, etc.
• Do you want to begin a new, fresh relationship, talking about old, stale stuff?

4. If you really want intimacy, choose someone who is available.

• Intimacy is about openness and openness results from having closure.
• Only when you are done with one thing, can you begin another.
• Starting new means having taken the time to make peace with your past.

Men and Women are Different - Ain't Life Grand!

Are you confused about the differences between men and women? Men and women are really not as mysterious as we make them out to be.

1. Men and women are different – enjoy it.

• Viva la difference. I do not want a man who is like my girlfriends.
• There is a masculine/feminine polarity that forms an arch between a man and a woman.
• It is what creates the chemistry, the passion and is absolutely essential in juicy relationships

2. The things that make a woman feel good are different than the things that make a man feel good.

• I saw Chris Rock last night on HBO. He said women spend too much time trying to figure men out.
• He said, “Good food, a good nap, and sex (it doesn’t even have to be very good…..)
• Making a woman feel like the prize, that’s what makes a woman feel good.

3. Women enjoy conversation more than solving problems.

• Men enjoy solving problems more than having conversation.
• When a woman talks she wants a man to listen. If she wants advice, she will ask for it.
• When a man talks, it is for a purpose – to solve a problem, to go from point A to point B.

4. If you tell a woman you are going to do something, do it.

• To be able to count on a man is what every woman wants.
• Nothing is more attractive than a man who is accountable, reliable.
• This is what makes a woman safe.

   5.   Nothing substitutes for being real – real matches happen naturally.

• Authenticity bridges the gap between masculine and feminine.
• When there is good chemistry - you do not have to try.
• When there is good masculine/feminine polarity, chemistry happens naturally.

Asking for a Commitment

 

Do you have trouble making a commitment and once you’ve made one, can you keep it?  In order to commit, it is important to examine the fears that keep you from truly stepping-up in a relationship.

1. Recognize familiar patterns.  Have you heard the same complaints and do you say the same things?
   • Be brutally honest with yourself.  If you keep making excuses for why you cannot keep moving closer in this relationship, you need to acknowledge that these are simply excuses and have no merit.
   • If there is not a gradual moving closer in this relationship, than the relationship is not growing.

2. Do you create distance and then more close after you get it?
   • This is what I call the “dance of intimacy” – apart-together, apart-together.
   • Closeness automatically conveys a sense of better getting to know another person.  If you do not know and like yourself, you will never want another to really get close to you and will sabotage that closeness.
   • Once you create distance and feel “safe”, you will have enough space and then make the move to get close again.  This is a pattern that will continue until you take responsibility for the “dance”.

3. Do not use being selective as an excuse not to commit.  Both are possible.
   • Oftentimes I hear from clients that they are very “picky” and that is the reason they cannot make a commitment.  It is possible to have good taste and still be able to make a commitment.
   • When you are ready and open for love, your criteria becomes more expansive, while at the same time being particular. 
   • In other words, your compassion and forgiveness increase while at the same time you know more what works for you.

4. Does real intimacy scare you?  Do you really want to know another person and do you want them to know you?
   • How open are you?  Do you really feel comfortable enough in your own skin to bring another person close to you?  Do you like who you are?  If you don’t, you will never allow another person close to you.
   • Being close to someone, means by default, that they will become privy to your inner-most secrets.  If you have not made peace with your dark side, you will always push someone away as they get close to you.

5. Real commitment comes from the heart, not from the head.
   • The head can never take you the distance.  It is only your heart (your inner Self) that has your best interests at heart.
   • It does not matter how much money someone has, how   big a house is offered – when the lights go down- it’s just the two of you.
   • Choose out of the utmost respect.

Trouble Making A Commitment

Do you have commitment Issues?  If you are having trouble making a commitment, ask yourself the following questions:

1. Are you constantly being nagged by your partner to deepen the relationship, make future plans, and make a commitment? What is this about?  Do you have the same conversation again and again?

1. Do you create distance as your partner moves closer and then want closeness when your partner moves away?  This is the dance of intimacy.  Having another in close proximity means by default that the other person will get to know who you are really are.  If you do not know and like your Self, you will never let another person close.

2. Do you feel this is a pattern?  Are the names different but the dynamic the same?  Has this happened to you before?  Be honest with yourself.  This might have been okay at 20 and passable at thirty, but at 40 it is unappealing and at 50 it is very unattractive.

3. Do not confuse being selective with the ability to commit.  Both are possible.  Do you keep telling yourself that you have not found the right one even though you have been in long relationships or engaged several times? 

4. Does real intimacy scare you?  Do you really want to know another person and do you want them to know you?  You need to be brave to have intimacy in your life.  

How to Internet Date

Do you want to increase your relationship possibilities but does Internet dating make you nervous?

Five Things You Need To Know About Internet Dating:

1. It’s no better or worse than any other kind of dating.  How discriminating you are determines how successful your experience will be.
   • There is no substitute for discrimination.  Do you know when someone has good character and will you stay away from someone who has bad character?

2. Be honest – represent yourself as you truly are (not what you looked like 10 years ago!)
   • A client told me she was having bad experiences on-line dating. She told me the telephone conversations were great, but the meetings weren’t.  I asked to see a copy of her on-line profile and I knew why she was having a problem.  The girl in the picture didn’t look like the one sitting in front of me.
   • When you portray yourself to be something other than what you are, that is a form of betrayal.

3. Meet for coffee first – you do not want to have to bolt your dessert.
   • Aren’t your tired of not having desert?  Have a glass of wine.  It’s a short interaction that doesn’t take too much time in a place you can easily leave from. 

4. Ask questions – Do not be afraid to ask what makes you feel comfortable.
   • Someone who is interested in getting to know you for real will be willing to tell you anything that will make you feel more comfortable.  Someone who has nothing to hide has nothing to hide.

5. Trust your instincts.  Don’t ignore your feelings; oftentimes we get the best information that way.
   • Instincts bypass the intellect – thank God.  We sure don’t want the mind interfering. Instincts are clean; they are our inner voice and we need to listen to them.