Chandra Unplugged - No nonsense, Straight-up blogging from a Life Coach

Making Peace With Dying

We had an interesting discussion in our group last week. One of the women’s best friend’s husband is dying from cancer. His cancer has returned with a vengeance, metastasized to many parts of his body, and the fight is on to save his life. His wife is his main cheerleader; not a moment goes by when she is not saying they can beat it, and that they will fight this to the end.  He is weary.

I also had an interesting week last week. My close friend Leela came to visit me from California – we hadn’t had a real life visit in more than five years. She got in late Friday night and early Saturday morning the phone was ringing. It was her sister from New Jersey reporting that that her older sister had just been taken to the hospital, that she appeared somewhat incoherent, and that they were getting ready to do some tests. Over the course of Saturday my friend went from having a sister who was reasonably healthy to one that was very sick. The first MRI showed many lesions on the brain, and the Pet scan showed a large mass on the right lung. The diagnosis
was Stage 4 lung cancer and the prognosis was not good, probably 6 months.

Dying is not easy to talk about. It’s not bad when you are not the one dying or someone close to you is not the one, but when it hits really close to home, it is not an easy subject to talk about.

In her book August, Judith Rosner says, “After the first death, there is no other.” What that means is that each loss brings up the initial loss; as a result, every loss is touched when there is one loss. In other words, there is no way to “feel” and deal with death unless you are brave enough to feel your own life and your own losses. And there is no way to live a human life without losing someone you love. Living and dying have
equal value in human life and to not feel one means that we do not ever truly
feel the other. To truly live, we must make peace with dying.

So much of our life is spent chasing happiness. I have a client that says, “I am afraid to feel my happiness because I feel if I do, it will go.” And I say, “Feel it because it will go.” Everything goes – happiness, sadness, all part of the human cycle of birth and death. Just as happiness goes, so does a broken heart heal over time. Everything moves and changes moment by moment. When we are willing to feel our feelings, we are in sync with the way the world unfolds and everything passes through us.

The key to dealing with death is to stay firmly rooted in the present moment. (By the way, it is the same way to deal with life, with happiness.) Being present allows us to deal with life as it comes; as a result, we surrender to what is and stop railing against reality. Being in the present moment is like being the batter in the batter box and hitting the ball whether it is a grounder or a fly. You are in the game – so play! As long
you stay present, you will be able to deal with anything the universe throws at
you.

So…do not tiptoe around death because it is not tiptoeing around you. I do not want to die but if I were to die tomorrow I would be okay. I have made my peace. I do not have a bucket list but if I did and if there was anything on it, I would be doing it now.

Everything lives and dies; nothing escapes this inherent cycle. To live with death sitting on your left shoulder actually sets you free to live life.

Taking the Mystery Out of Spirituality - Being Present

The only thing worse than living a shallow life, with no curiosity whatsoever about why you were born or what you are here for and what you need to learn and do, etc., is to get stuck in the world of "spiritual materialism". 

The first person to coin this phrase was Chogyam Trungpa.  In it, he offers the following passage about spiritual materialism: “Walking the spiritual path properly is a very subtle process; it is not something to jump into naively. There are numerous sidetracks which lead to a distorted, ego-centered version of spirituality; we can deceive ourselves into thinking we are developing spiritually when instead we are strengthening our egocentricity through spiritual techniques. This fundamental distortion may be referred to as spiritual materialism.”

What happens is that under the guise of becoming more conscious we actually become less.  The more seminars we attend, the more classes we complete, the more eco-friendly products we use, the more "conscious" we feel we are becoming, but that just isn't so.  Ego is ugly and it rears it's head in many forms; getting attached to the various forms actually takes us further away from the Truth. 

If you are mostly OUTWARD directed - need to be doing something, anything, most of the time - that is the OPPOSITE of spirituality.  If you think that enrolling in course after course will give you happiness, that is not the case.  There is NO course, no pill, no vitamin, no laser pulse machine, no book, no food, no anything, that will change your energy other than the hard work you do to quiet your mind and open your heart.  It's not just that these extraneous things don't do it, it's that they actually take you further away from your true Self.  It's a double whammy that ends up making you feel self-righteous and not delivering any real sense of peace.

To begin to access your inner Self there is nothing more important than being present.  This is NOT an easy task.  ONLY when you are present are you conscious; at all other times you are either in the past or the present, one step away from the action.  It means stepping into life and doing one thing at a time and giving it your full attention.  If you multi-task, text and talk at the same time, constantly answer your phone when you are having lunch with someone, not only is your energy scattered, but you are virtually asleep.  The more we move about, the more important we feel, but a life of movement and drama is not the same as a conscious life, a life of substance.  How can you connect when you are not present?

Connecting is what breaks the walls of separateness and dissolves the ego.  It is our ego that makes us feel separate, disconnected from one another, cut off from love.  Being present is what connects us. This takes discipline and hard work and is not for the faint of heart.  By slowing it down we actually get more done and nothing conveys love more than paying attention. 

So...are you courageous enough to put down all your tools - the pills, the journal (yes, even that!), the courses, the healers, the chanters - and walk bravely into life with no props other than life itself?  The lessons that come to you on a daily basis are the lessons that will set you free.  They are the universe's way of providing you with the perfect path, one meant exclusively for you.  Whether it be extricating yourself from an unloving relationship with an abusive spouse or parent, or finding work that nourishes your soul, if you are brave enough to not get distracted, you will automatically do the "spiritual" work that is meant for you.  This is the beginning of of Self love: the real work of the spirit.  

 

Trusting the Energy

Everything is energy.  Each one of us creates an energy field that manifests in the form of a vibration.  Even if you do not understand this concept, there is no doubt that all of us can pick up a good or bad "vib" and know when someone's energy is high or low.  Regardless of the excuse you give yourself for not being around a certain person, the reason is always energy; you just don't like how it feels.

Now energy is inextricably linked to consciousness, i.e., the more awake and aware you are, the stronger your energy, the more powerful your vibration.  Everyone vibrates at a certain speed based on their consciousness; the higher your energy, the faster you vibrate.  It's important to understand this because as you become more conscious, the speed at which you vibrate becomes greater and you cease to have the same energy level you had before. 

This is what happens when we change; our vibration changes as well.  Although change is usually a good thing in the long run, in the short run we often end up leaving people behind.  What once seemed a match is now something we move away from.  The question is - do you trust the feeling?  

If you are not used to trusting your feelings, these new feelings will be uncomfortable for you.  You may be feeling the dissonance but don't quite know what to do with it.  Remember, there is a natural moving toward when the energy is in sync and a natural moving away when it is not.  Are you brave enough to pay attention and feel what you are feeling, or do you immediately try and rationalize your feelings or intellectualize them so you can stay? 

Our inner gut, our intuition, always has our best interests at heart.  The more you listen to your intuition, the stronger it gets.  When the mind is quiet, the heart opens.  This means the information that comes to you through your feelings when you least expect it has the ability to tap into what is best for you.  Bypassing the intellect, the heart "feels" what is a match for you and allows you to feel that resonance or dissonance.  Do you trust that?

If you are frantic and your mind is never quiet, you will have hard time tapping into the energy.  The energy is your subconscious mind, the way you REALLY feel, and the way its all going to shake out in the end, whether you think you want it to be that way or not.  

What Interests Me

I admit it.  It's hard to hold my interest.  It's not that I don't want to be interested, I do, it's just not that easy to capture my attention.  That does not mean that I am not present, I am - all it means is that I am very clear about what resonates as true for me and if it doesn't, I'm simply not interested. 

If truth be told I am dying to be interested.  One of the reasons I don't go to many social functions is that I can't bear to listen to the chatter.  I always go with the hope that somehow someone will engage me with their presence and authenticity and I will enjoy myself, but more times than not, I am quickly looking for the back door for a quick escape.  I don't need much - just someone, anyone, who is paying attention, present, conscious.

Don't get the wrong idea.  There aren't specific subjects that interest me and those are the only things I want to talk about; far from it.  When someone interests me, I am interested in everything they have to say!

So...what am I talking about here?  There is a state of being that is always interesting.  It is the opposite of being self-absorbed, the opposite of having an agenda; it is the ability to be present, to want to feel right rather than be right, and the desire to truly connect.  It involves listening and paying attention and the moment that it happens, you can feel it.

Connections are what interest me.  And as far as subjects are concerned there are million of them and more to come.  I always find it amazing how uninteresting a great subject can be in the hands of a self-absorbed, unconscious person.  And I always get a kick out of myself - how little I care about proving my point when when I am heard and when I get a glimpse of who someone really is.

One of the things that happens when I feel someone is listening to me is that I start to like that person and look forward to another conversation.  I find myself thinking about that person, remembering the feeling, and wanting to talk again. I end up really not caring whether they agree with me or not - all I care about is the connection; that I feel closer at the end of the conversation than at the beginning. 

Being connected to how I feel and feeling good - that's what interests me.

 

The Art of Listening

Nothing is more difficult than really listening.  Most people think they listen, but all they really do is hear sounds.  Listening is not just something that happens; you need to be awake and aware to listen, you need to be conscious.

When you truly listen, you get more than the actual words, you get the gestalt.  A gestalt means that that whole is greater than the sum of its parts, so when you actively listen, you hear the words and those words translate into a feeling; you can actually "feel" the other person. 

Most interchanges are about talking, getting our point across.  When the other person talks, we are thinking about what we want to say next.  We have an agenda and we stick to it no matter what we hear.  And we really don't hear anyway.  We hear sounds, but we don't really listen because we are too busy waiting for the other person to stop talking so we can make our point.

In my practice, I often give couples an exercise so they can practice listening to one another.  I have them use a timer and set it for 3 minute intervals.  One person gets to talk for three minutes and the other person just has to listen, saying nothing, knowing that when the timer goes off,they will get to talk for three uninterrupted minutes as well.  Going back and forth several times, both parties relax, knowing they will get to talk and listen and everyone will have his turn.  If you are always jockeying for position, can't wait to say what you have to say - you are NOT listening.

Listening takes place in the present moment.  Unless you have the ability to be present, you can never hear what someone else has to say.  When you are always thinking of what you want to say, the energy is always in the past or the future, never in the present moment, and the energy is in your head.  In order to listen - to be open to hearing and feeling another person - you must drop your agenda, forget for the moment what you want to say, step into the present moment, and watch as the energy settles in the heart area.  As the mind stops racing, the heart opens; now you are ready to listen. 

One of the ways to know that you are not listening is if your goal is to make your point and to be right.  Listening has no goal; it open-ended, without an agenda.  When you actively listen, you are open to "finding" out something about another that you did not know before and in the process, finding out something about yourself. 

Listening is a process of discovery that is about connecting rather than being right.  Even when you listen and you do not agree, it does not matter - you still feel good.  Something special happens on a gut level when we put our ego aside, surrender to the present moment, and "hear" another person.  Nothing is more loving than listening. 

Do you know how to listen? 

The Space To Choose

Most of us go through life in a blur, a haze, and have no idea how we got to where we are at this moment.  Our life seems like something that has happened to us, rather than something we have made happen.  When we finally stop and look it is often too late; we are smack dab in the middle of a life we have no real connection to.  Sure, we feel the pain, often the regret, but still we have no idea how we really got there, and more importantly, how to have something different.

Until you understand how things manifest on the physical plane, you will never be able to create the life you want.  Things may appear to just happen but that is because for now that is all you are able to "see".  Seeing has many different levels, and unless you are able to see to the core, connect to the underpinnings, you will never be able to consciously and actively participate in the creation of your life. 

There is a Sanskrit word called "paaca" - it means ripe, but in truth means, ready to come to fruition.  We often hear the phrase, "When you plant a seed, fruit will fall from the tree," and "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear."  Intrinsic in grasping these statements is the understanding that for things to come to fruition there must first be a foundation, a preparation, a body of choices and actions that is moving us in a new direction.  In other words, you don't just wake up one morning with a new house, a new relationship, a new job or a new life.  The ONLY way to create something you want, is to do the work, and the work takes focus and persistence.  It is never about wishing or hoping, but only about doing.  And you have to have that ahh haa moment where you realize YOU, and only you, are responsible for the life you have.  If you want something different, get cracking and create it.  

The physical plane is the last place your choices become manifest and yet often, the only place we are able to realize what we are doing even though this process has been going on for a long time.  By the time something manifests on the physical plane, we have made many choices and behaved in various ways to insure the results we are getting. 

Our thoughts and feelings, plus our actions, eventually create critical mass and at some point we have a new job as that job then manifests on the physical plane.   Although we are unemployed on Tuesday and have a new job on Wednesday that does not mean it took one day to get a new job.  Getting a good job - one that makes us feel good about ourselves - did not happen overnight.  Setting boundaries in our current job,  being brave enough to change dysfunctional self-sabotaging behavior, taking full responsibility for what we have previously created and knowing we can create something else, that is the work of consciousness. 

Choosing differently requires a wake-up call.  You need to be aware and have the ability to be in the present moment.  You need to stop and NOT react immediately, but rather step back and re-evaluate.  There needs to be a SPACE between your feelings and your action and you need to CHOOSE what you want to do next.  If the mind is going non-stop all the time, you will not be able to stop long enough to stand back and observe what is going on to make a choice that is in your best interests.

Most people are slaves to their ego (feelings that make you feel good or bad about yourself) and instantly react without understanding the consequences of their actions.  Every thing you do has an action (energy) attached to it, and you will bear the results of the choices you make.   

So..listen up and wake-up.  Look honestly at your life.  If you don't like what you've got, now is the time to go in a new direction.  Just like you have your life today based on the choices you have made in the past, is the same way you will have a new life when you make new choices.  Creating is part of the human journey; one the main lessons we need to learn in this lifetime.

Generosity of Spirit! Do You Have It?

In order to get the meaning of "generosity of spirit" it is important to understand what magnanimous means. Magnanimous means generous, high-minded, fair, noble, big and worthy and is the first essential ingredient in grasping the gist of this multi-layered concept.  What differentiates generosity of spirit from magnanimity is that it is not a one time feeling, but a state of being.  To extend to others, to want for others, the same things you want for yourself, is what generosity of spirit is all about.  

Something happens when you take total responsibility for your life and stop blaming others and circumstances for your problems: ("I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.") When you step up, you know you are always in the right place at the right time even though that place may be fraught with fear and difficulties.  Navigating these grueling and emotional junctures in life, that is, dealing with previously stuffed feelings in order to move to a new place, takes great bravery.  It is not easy to stay and face your fears when it is a whole lot easier to run.  Standing squarely in the middle of your life and claiming all of it - not just the parts you like - keeps you connected to your humanity and what it takes to live a human existence.  All of a sudden, there is a new level of acceptance that was previously missing; a heightened sense of self-esteem an self-respect. 

This sense of Self is accompanied by a feeling of compassion.  Connecting to your soft underbelly takes great courage and persistence, and you have great compassion for anyone who is willing to stay in that place.  Compassion is a natural off-shoot of consciousness and awareness, so connecting to your own humanity connects you intimately to others.   

When you KNOW what it takes to live a conscious life, you have the utmost respect for anyone who even attempts it, let alone succeeds.  You find yourself rooting for anyone who is willing to do the work. There is something noble in the human struggle; you can feel that with every breathe you take, so you make yourself available to assist in any way possible. 

This feeling is generosity of spirit is an open-heartedness that is free flowing and touches anyone who can feel it.  It is devoid of manipulation, the opposite of tit for tat, and has no strings attached.  When you have done the work, you get to feeling the feeling - as the one who is sending it as well as being able to receive it.  This energetic flow erases one's sense of separateness and allows you to feel connected at a core level.

Remember - We are all in this together. 

Integrating The Dark Side, Becoming Whole

Suffering is an integral part of the human experience; there is no way to be born in human form and not experience suffering.  But is there an end to this misery?  Can you, through becoming more conscious, eliminate suffering from your life?  The answer is yes, but the process takes some bravery and is not for the weak at heart. 

We suffer because we do not know our true nature; we think we are the body.  The minute you identify with the body there is this innate sense of separateness, a disconnect from the spirit that makes you feel isolated and alone.  Feeling separate is the work of the ego and in order for the ego to survive, the separateness must continue. 

Separateness grows through comparison, competitiveness, feeling higher or lower in regard to someone else; it is never free-standing.  If you feel "happier" because you are richer, more beautiful, or smarter than someone else, you are going to suffer.  Remember everything that goes up must come down - there is always someone richer, more beautiful. Identifying with the outer covering rather than the inner core is what causes all suffering.

Being able to connect to the Source, i.e., the energy that is the same in us all, is a lifetime job and one that always demands awareness; a willingness to BE in the present moment.  But that is not possible as long as the inner critic is in charge.  As long as you are judging yourself, hiding your vulnerabilities to protect your image and feel ashamed of your 'failures," you will never be free. 

The beginning of a conscious life is the willingness to integrate the dark side with the light.  This is an actual step on the physical plane, that when you make, will CHANGE your consciousness immediately.  The moment you ACCEPT your life - without judgement - the good, the bad, the ugly - is the moment suffering lessens. 

Many people think the best way to live is to keep the ugly parts of life hidden, buried - why bring them up if they are painful?  But your life is already painful and the reason is because these buried feelings are presently wrecking havoc whether or not you have consciously acknowledged them.  Bringing to light what is in darkness instantaneously switches the energy; rather than running, we stay and look and are brave enough to feel what we have so long been avoiding.  

The more you are willing to feel what scares you, the more whole you become.  Incongruence is always the  result of splitting your Self in two; embracing the light and rejecting the dark.  

Wholeness means integration and integration automatically brings authenticity.  The paradigm of being perfect needs to be changed with being an original holding more clout than being "perfect."  Perfection then is simply to be who we are, an amalgam of high and low, good and bad, rich and poor, loved and unloved, awake and asleep, with the WHOLE being greater than the sum of its parts.

Rejoicing in your uniqueness is what allows you to accept it all.  The darkest moments then become doorways to clarity, opportunities to step in and reclaim your life - all of it!

 

The Evolution of Consciousness

How does consciousness evolve?  How well do you understand the workings of the universe?  Do you live in the present moment?

There is NO way to intellectually understand how the universe works; as a result, BEING is the only way to intimately connect to the source of understanding, to experience how the universe unfolds.  Now this may sound somewhat esoteric, but it is anything but.  Without being in sync with reality, with "what is", there will always be incongruence. 

Can you imagine telling someone what chocolate tastes like without having tasted it?  And even when you have tasted it - look how difficult it is to explain what it tastes like to someone who has not. Consciousness is like chocolate - only by truly tasting it can you know what it is.  Eating chocolate is a present moment experience; it forces you to stay squarely in the moment, because without that, you miss it. 

When you are in the past or the present you are in your head and always one step away from the action.  The action of life - the joy of life - comes from the heart and is always in the present moment.  But being present is not for the weak at heart.  Being present requires great bravery, a willingness to FEEL your life rather than think about it. 

When you are willing to connect to your soft underbelly, that part of you that you keep hidden (from yourself as well as the rest of the world) - only then does being present have a chance.  Integrating the dark side as well as the light automatically makes your present and only by being totally and completely in the moment do you have an opportunity to "see" to the core to things. 

This "seeing" is NOT an intellectual exercise but a state of being.  It is unequivocal, not up for debate.  It acknowledges the failures as well as successes, the valleys as well as the peaks, the losses as well as the wins.  It recognizes life's wholeness - all of it - as perfection. 

The ability to "observe" your life, to know on a gut level that you are always in the right place at the right time, and to know that every"mistake" is a step towards greater awareness and authenticity is how consciousness evolves.  The more present you are, the more you are aligned with the workings of the universe and more connected you are to the SOURCE. 

What You're Afraid Of Sets You Free

Our natural reaction to fear is to recoil, to run in the other direction; as a result, we become more and more fearful.  When you run from what scares you, you automatically give energy to that feeling and that feeling grows.

Now running from a bear is an innate reaction, our built-in fight or flight mechanism, but it does not serve us well when we deal with our fears.  Remember, what you run from runs after you, and if you are not brave enough to stop running and start dealing with the feelings, you will be running your whole life.

Everyone has things they are afraid of - no one is immune.  Whether you have a panic disorder, have cancer, can't find work or are afraid to be alone - if you run from these feelings they will proliferate; they will become stronger. 

Running from what scares you makes you powerless; you instantly become a victim.  In that victimized state you are immobilized, under the illusion that there is nothing you can do.  But the truth is - you can do anything that you want to do.  You can take you power back in a moment simply by shifting your attitude. 

The attitude shift is one of surrender.  It is yielding rather than static and lends itself to letting go rather than holding on.  When you surrender to "what is" you feel the feeling and head in a new direction regardless.  You take back your power and refuse to let your immediate "feeling" dictate that is good or bad for you.  You take charge, you step up, and you create the world you want to live in.  The moment you face and feel your fears, you disarm them.  The instant you say, "Come on, bring it on", they begin to diminish and slowly dissipate. 

Remember, joy happens only in the moment.  Giving into your fears creates anticipation and that is always about remembering the past and dreading the future - it is never present oriented.  Fear keeps us disconnected from our joy - from the pipeline of spirit.

Embrace your life, regardless of how it manifests.  It is yours, your way in this lifetime to learn the lessons you need to learn.  It is neither good nor bad, simply "what is". 

This is the knowledge that unlocks the secrets of the universe.