Making Peace With Dying

We had an interesting discussion in our group last week. One of the women’s best friend’s husband is dying from cancer. His cancer has returned with a vengeance, metastasized to many parts of his body, and the fight is on to save his life. His wife is his main cheerleader; not a moment goes by when she is not saying they can beat it, and that they will fight this to the end.  He is weary.

I also had an interesting week last week. My close friend Leela came to visit me from California – we hadn’t had a real life visit in more than five years. She got in late Friday night and early Saturday morning the phone was ringing. It was her sister from New Jersey reporting that that her older sister had just been taken to the hospital, that she appeared somewhat incoherent, and that they were getting ready to do some tests. Over the course of Saturday my friend went from having a sister who was reasonably healthy to one that was very sick. The first MRI showed many lesions on the brain, and the Pet scan showed a large mass on the right lung. The diagnosis
was Stage 4 lung cancer and the prognosis was not good, probably 6 months.

Dying is not easy to talk about. It’s not bad when you are not the one dying or someone close to you is not the one, but when it hits really close to home, it is not an easy subject to talk about.

In her book August, Judith Rosner says, “After the first death, there is no other.” What that means is that each loss brings up the initial loss; as a result, every loss is touched when there is one loss. In other words, there is no way to “feel” and deal with death unless you are brave enough to feel your own life and your own losses. And there is no way to live a human life without losing someone you love. Living and dying have
equal value in human life and to not feel one means that we do not ever truly
feel the other. To truly live, we must make peace with dying.

So much of our life is spent chasing happiness. I have a client that says, “I am afraid to feel my happiness because I feel if I do, it will go.” And I say, “Feel it because it will go.” Everything goes – happiness, sadness, all part of the human cycle of birth and death. Just as happiness goes, so does a broken heart heal over time. Everything moves and changes moment by moment. When we are willing to feel our feelings, we are in sync with the way the world unfolds and everything passes through us.

The key to dealing with death is to stay firmly rooted in the present moment. (By the way, it is the same way to deal with life, with happiness.) Being present allows us to deal with life as it comes; as a result, we surrender to what is and stop railing against reality. Being in the present moment is like being the batter in the batter box and hitting the ball whether it is a grounder or a fly. You are in the game – so play! As long
you stay present, you will be able to deal with anything the universe throws at
you.

So…do not tiptoe around death because it is not tiptoeing around you. I do not want to die but if I were to die tomorrow I would be okay. I have made my peace. I do not have a bucket list but if I did and if there was anything on it, I would be doing it now.

Everything lives and dies; nothing escapes this inherent cycle. To live with death sitting on your left shoulder actually sets you free to live life.

Comments

[Christy]

Great post. In order to appreciate life, we really need to focus and celebrate the present.

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