How To Say You're Not Interested and Still Be Kind

Nothing is more difficult than than telling someone who is really nice that you don't want to see them anymore.  Not only do you have to be brave, but you have to be kind as well, and you have to know what to say.  Most people take the way that is initially the easiest, but in the end doesn't leave you feeling very good.  If you avoid the interaction, lie, blame it on the other person, - anything other than be real and deal with it in an adult and mature way, a way that you would want someone to deal with you - you will end up not feeling good about yourself.

Chemistry is a funny thing.  We are hard-wired for chemistry and as much as we like someone, we cannot make that feeling happen.  Now chemistry grows if it is there initially but you cannot make yourself feel something you do not feel.  Listen when I tell you there is nothing wrong with you.  You are not "picky", particular, hard to please, difficult, head-strong, or any of the descriptions that you have been called.  You are just fine and if you do not feel "it", whatever it might be - don't worry, you will know it when you feel it.  So, cut yourself some slack and trust your instincts. 

We all want to feel that special feeling with someone and when we feel it, it is not up for debate.  You do not need to ask your friends, your family, or second-guess yourself.  Chemistry will not go the distance, but it is required for a second look.  It is the juice that makes it fun, the feeling that makes us want to apologize, and the effortless feeling we have when we want to move closer to someone.  We can feel it almost immediately upon meeting someone; it is a feeling that bypasses the brain and centers the energy in the heart.  Regardless of how interesting the conversation might be, unless you get out of your head and into your heart, you will not really want to see the other person again. 

Oftentimes we make excuses:  He has a good job - He makes a lot of money - She's a really kind person - She'd make a good mother.  None of these reasons work in the long run.  And when you've done this dating stuff for awhile and begin to trust your instincts, you bypass the excuses and are quickly left with a feeling you cannot dispute - You don't feel anything and you are ready to go home.

I can tell in three 3 minutes (probably one,) whether or not I have chemistry with someone.  I do not second guess myself and KNOW that the person I have chemistry with is one I need to look at, a least for a second encounter.  End of story.  So if I have had a really nice lunch with someone but feel nothing, my hope is that he feels the same.  Sometimes that is the case and sometimes not.

So...what do you do if someone you do not feel the chemistry with feels it with you?  And what if he asks you out?  And what do you do if he is really nice and you don't want to hurt him but you also want to be kind and not lead him on? I don't know of anything more difficult but more important to do in a dignified and loving way.

People need to know the truth and the truth is that we can have an interesting and pleasant lunch with someone and still not want to do it again.  Chemistry is wanting to do it again.  Without that feeling, it is a chore, something we feel we ought to do (our friends tell us to do ) but something we really are not looking forward to. 

Now is the time to speak up and be brave.  The task here is to take care of yourself and another person at the same time.  You need to disengage with dignity and self-respect as well as be conscious of another person's feelings.   As difficult as it is, communication is what it's all about.  In a kind and loving way say, " Thank you again for lunch.  I appreciated the good company and conversation, but I am going to pass on getting together again as I do not feel the chemistry was just right.  I wish you the very best."   

Remember, we are going to have this experience more than the one of having chemistry, so you need to learn how to do this.  Anyone who has self-respect and self-esteem will appreciate your reaching out and be grateful for your honesty and kindness. Most importantly, you will feel good about yourself - for your authenticity and your willingness to deal with an uncomfortable situation.

 

 

 

Comments

[cheating spouces]

There are so many more important and meaningful things related to sharing ones life with another person than completely possessing them sexually. As long as my s/o is honest and plays safe, I could care less. I've never been a jealous type.

[cheating partners]

Remember, we are going to have this experience more than the one of having chemistry, so you need to learn how to do this. Anyone who has self-respect and self-esteem will appreciate your reaching out and be grateful for your honesty and kindness. Most importantly, you will feel good about yourself - for your authenticity and your willingness to deal with an uncomfortable situation.