Chandra Unplugged - No nonsense, Straight-up blogging from a Life Coach

We Cry for the Dreams That Don't Come True

Grieving is a natural part of the relationship cycle.  Somehow we feel if we are the one to leave that the leaving will be less painful, but oftentimes we kid ourselves in our haste to move on.  Every relationship has a beginning, middle and end and it is important to pay attention to your feelings every step of the way.  Unless you are able to stay present during the separation phase of your relationship, you will suffer a backlash that hits you when you least expect it.  Remember, we all cry for the dreams that don't come true.  All of us want so much for love to succeed that even when we know the relationship is not good for us and it needs to be over, we are sad.

Paying attention to your feelings is the only way to move on.  There is no fixed amount of time to grieve but rather the ability to honor your feelings and cut yourself some slack.  A long time ago someone gave you bad advice and told you to "keep busy" so that you wouldn't have to feel.  (How's that working for you?)  This is the opposite of what you need to do.

When a relationship ends - regardless of who initiated the break-up - you need to stop, sit quietly, and not start running around.  Opening your heart is not something you do easily and when you have been disappointed in love there is a tendency to close down, to become cynical, to stay angry and feel "right".  Going forward under the guise of protecting yourself, you may manage to keep the hurt away, but you also shut out the love.  Remember, you have only one heart and the heart you close to hurt you also shut to love.   

Do not feel there is anything wrong with you if you feel this way.  When love doesn't work we get sad; everyone gets sad.  Loving produces a sense of euphoria because it makes us open, opens our hearts in a way they are usually closed.  So when we realize a heart, our heart, that was once open is now closed, we get sad.  We grieve for the dream, not the reality.  The reality is that the relationship was bad for us; we didn't like who we with that person, and yet we grieve for the dream, the hope of a real connection that seemed so near, yet was really so far away.

Grief is a natural part of life and something that most people avoid, yet grieving is what cleanses the soul and allows us to move on.  Unless you are willing to feel your feelings of sadness and loss, you can never move on and stay OPEN.  Staying open is the key to bringing love into your life; and feeling those feelings (that you want to run from) is what makes you brave and present.  So...do not run from these feelings.  As long as you are willing to feel them, they will pass through you like day follows night and your heart will stay open to loving.

A Fragile Ego - The Enemy of Love

Relationships are difficult, even under the best of circumstances.  All the obvious categories can line up - good chemistry, compatibility, and good communication - and still it is not easy.   Day to day living in a relationship requires an ability to stay present, be resilient, and be open.  If you do not have a strong sense of Self, an inner confidence in who you are and what you have to offer, you will always sabotage the relationship. 

A healthy ego is different than a fragile ego.  A healthy ego is self-referring; it does not need another person to say or do anything in order to feel good.  On the other hand, a fragile ego depends on others.  Because the initial strength is not there, one becomes wounded easily, projecting that uneasiness to another; "If only she would have said it differently," or "If only she would agree to do the things I want to do," he tells himself over and over, never taking responsibility for hearing it the way he has heard it or the life he has created. 

If you have an unhealthy, fragile ego you will often feel victimized and feel the relationship is "not equal".  An unhealthy ego will change but only to gain points in the relationship, chips to barter.  You will say things like, "I've accommodated you more than you have accommodated me."  Using accommodation in this way is the opposite of love and score-keeping at its worst.  Why "accommodate" if you are going to keep score?"  To me, if what you do is not what you really want to do and is just a ploy to have a relationship, it will not be a relationship worth much. 

When you have a healthy ego (sense of Self), you do what you do unconditionally.  If YOU decide you want to change based on something your partner said, YOU do it for YOU and take full responsibility for the change.  You do it because you know your life is better because of it.  And the love gets deeper.  You never bring it up as a bargaining chip because it is something you want to do anyway; and you are grateful for the change.  And if it is something you don't want to do - don't do it!  No one wants to hear either directly or in sub-text - "I did something I didn't want to do for you so you need to do something you don't want to do for me."

Be careful and vigilant if when you are taking with your partner the subject is abruptly changed and you are told you need to say it "differently".  It is hard to catch this subtle switch and the next minute you find you are defending your position rather than talking about what your were talking about.  Do not agree to a "walking on eggs" relationship and don't feel pressured and become something less in order to stay in the relationship.  Fragile egos are tricky and if you are not intimately connected to your core and your peacefulness it is easy to get sucked into an unloving, draining, score-keeping relationship.