At the seminar on Saturday, we talked about the different kinds of relationships. This is a quick look at the critical ingredients and to see what you have in your relationship and what kind of relationships you are creating.
According to Robert J. Sternberg, psychologist and Dean at Tufts University, there are 8 different kinds of relationships but only one of them includes all the essential elements. The 3 dimensions of love are:
- Intimacy: Psychological knowledge of each other and connection based on that knowledge
- Passion: Erotic attraction
- Commitment: The decision that a person loves another person and the commitment to maintain that love
Often we are initially turned on by the chemistry. The passion is strong and we mistakenly feel there is intimacy as well. In the heat of passion we often say things that mean one thing to one person and one thing to another. If in the intensity of the erotic moment one of you utters "I love you", it is a mistake to feel this is "forever" unless you ask. Remember, there is no way to know if what you are both feeling is the same unless you ask.
Do not be afraid to speak up. It is okay to say, "I love being with you as well. I'm just not 100% sure what you mean by what you said. Do you mind explaining." This kind of conversation is loving and open-ended and will not put the other person on the defensive, but rather open the discussion to be real and authentic. Remember, what you have in the beginning is what you have in the end. Anyone who is interested in a real relationship will be more than open to having this discussion with you - no one wants to be confused.
The 8 types of love below show you the different types of relationships. Every relationship either has or doesn't have these ingredients. It is vitally important to KNOW what you want and deserve or else you will not be able to recognize it when it comes along.
Type of "Love" — Level of Intimacy — Passion — Commitment:
1. Perfect — high — high — high
2. Shallow — low — high — high
3. Companionate — high — low — high
4. Romantic — high — high — low
5. Empty — low — low — high
6. Infatuated — low — high — low
7. Liking — high — low — low
8. Non-love — low — low — low
Without intimacy it is not possible to have a healthy loving relationship. Intimacy is the same as authenticity and unless we know ourselves we will never let another person close to us. Spending time with someone naturally means physical proximity and we will not let another see what we have seen ourselves. Be willing to share your soft underbelly and be brave enough to let someone "see" who you really are. This sharing generates trust and along with passion fuels commitment. Who wouldn't want to make a commitment when you have both intimacy and passion?
So....be brave and open to love. Be authentic. Do not run from things that scare you. Be honest with yourself. Ask questions if you are confused. You have a right to know if you both are on the same page. And if you have a partner who understands what it takes to have a real relationship, now you have something!
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