Chandra Unplugged - No nonsense, Straight-up blogging from a Life Coach

Are Spiritual Experiences Important?

I spent ten years living in India with a great spiritual master and Guru.  And although he talked often of spiritual experiences he always made a point to emphasize what is not so obvious - that experiences are simply stops along the way and have nothing to do with a quiet mind and a peaceful heart. 

Many seekers confuse experiences with a state of being and that is simply not the case.  Spiritual experiences come when the mind is quiet.  Only then does the heart open and we have the ability to access other realms.  The irony is that sometimes these experiences happen when we are stoned, drinking or taking drugs.  We get a mind blowing experience only to forget it the next day!!

These experiences, regardless of how they come about, are always a result of grace, a divine opportunity for us to "see" to the heart of the matter.  No one's experiences are like anyone else's and no one can tell you what these mean for you.  There is an unequivocal quality to these experiences; they are the truth for you and they are not up for debate.  In an instant, they can shift the way you look at the world, but they are not a magic bullet.  I know many people who are psychic, have had visions, heard voices, etc.  You can have the most incredible experience and still have a messed-up life. 

Remember, experiences exist in the present moment - not the past or the future - and if you try to make them something more than what they are and hold on to them without having a congruent life of substance, you will feel disjointed and out of sync, always trying to re-capture a time gone by.  The importance of these experiences is to show us there is something more, and that it is joyful and infinite.

If you are lucky enough to have one of these experiences, hopefully you can put it in the right context and make it work for you.  Nothing substitutes for hard work and the right attitude.  Living a spiritual life is more than an experience; it is making loving choices on a daily basis and having a quiet mind. 

What Does Living An Unconscious Life Mean?

I had a client send me an email today and ask me what living an unconscious life means?  She also told me she wasn't sure what "authenticity" meant.  It made me also remember the woman who said to me "You always talk about loving yourself, but what does loving yourself really mean?" 

I appreciate these questions and am very respectful of anyone attempting to understand these complicated concepts.  Sometimes the answer may seem simplistic, but the work never is. 

When I answered my client and said, "loving your Self is the same as taking care of yourself" it seemed easy enough, but she looked at me and said, "now I understand why that is so difficult."  Most of us do a pretty bad job at taking care of ourselves, I mean really taking care of ourselves. Ask yourself:  Do you often do things you do not want to do?  Do you not speak up because you are afraid of the repercussions?  Do you wait for the "right" time to talk?  Do you care more about what others think of you than what you think of yourself?  Do you feel under appreciated and never say anything?  

If you feel any of the above, you are not taking care of yourself and you are, by default, living an unconscious life. You are also the opposite of authentic.  Being unconscious means NOT paying attention to your feelings, stuffing them, pretending they don't exist, with the hope they will go away - but they never do.  The more you stuff your feelings, the more unconscious you become.  The less connected you are to your feelings, the more unreal you are. 

Staying connected to your feelings and being brave enough to be who you are requires a sense of fearlessness.  Most everyone is trying to be someone else, someone other than who they are.   You cannot care what anyone else thinks of you.  This process takes work and does not happen automatically.

Waking up - living a conscious and authentic life is a choice - and it takes hard, very hard work.  Are you prepared to do the work and NOT be attached to the results?  Are you willing, moment by moment, to put in new ingredients and to incrementally move in a new direction by making new choices.  This new life you are building just incidentally results in new manifestations on the physical plane, but more importantly is gives you an inner life that has the ability to set you free. 

Authenticity and consciousness are inextricably linked - they feed one another and exist simultaneously.  You cannot be conscious, awake and aware, and not be real. 

 

Putting Reciprocity In Your Relationships

Reciprocity does not mean quid pro quo.  It does not mean if I hug you, then you hug me.  It means that in the interchange we are both giving and receiving and that there is an equality in that.  We are often giving different things but whatever they are, it's okay and feels good. 

Relationships that lack reciprocity are always fraught with resentment.  If you are resentful, you are always wanting something that you are not getting.   You feel it is never your turn; there is an imbalance of power.  The only way to correct this uneven relationship is to speak up - in a kind and loving way.

If you wait until the time you are angry, you will never be able to make the connection you need to make.  When we are angry, we strike out, having to be right.  This makes the other person defensive, not allowing her to hear what you have to say.  When you lash out in anger, the focus immediately changes to you, rather than what you are saying.  You want the other person to hear what you have to say and put the focus back where it belongs  - on her!!

So when you speak, be calm and be kind.  This is not about beating someone up, but teaching someone a new way to be.  Try saying, "I am always interested in what you have to say and what you are going through, but I also need you to feel the same way about me.  I hope you are okay with my telling you this; I don't want to feel something and not share it with you. "

It takes bravery to speak up.  Instinctively you know the status quo will never be the same and although you want things to change, not knowing where they will end up is scary.  Ask yourself - Are you willing to stay in the relationship the way it is?   Are you willing to keep listening to your friend's problems and issues and not having someone listen to yours?  Relationships that don't have equanimity ultimately become abusive. 

Are you willing to create something that works for you and gives you self-respect and self-esteem?  Are you willing to walk away if it doesn't?

I Paid For It Already!!

I had an interesting thing happen to me last week.  I had a girlfriend and professional colleague tell me I needed to start networking.  Now I understand all the pros of networking but it's never been something I particularly cared for.  I appear social but really I'm quite reclusive and don't like chatting or small talk.  I do well wherever I go so when I tell people this they really don't pay much attention and I feel don't really believe what I'm saying.  But I have been known to enter thorough the front door, keep walking, and walk out the back door in one fell swoop.

My friend Eddie says he likes to spend time with one person at a time and when there is more than one person in a room, he likes to be the speaker.  I still laugh out loud when I say that, I guess because the truth is very funny!

So, what happened to me last week was about my not listening to my inner gut and doing what I thought I "should" be doing. 

I got an email from my friend who invited me to lunch with Alex Sink, candidate for Governor of Florida.  She told me these were the kind of women I needed to network with, and this would be good for me.   All other networking opportunities have not interested me so I thought I needed to be open to this.  We are all looking for new ways to increase business; why not this, I thought.  I paid my $100 and wrote the date in my calendar.   

But as the days wore on, the Saturday luncheon loomed before me like some dreaded event.  I was not the least bit interested.  Something was wrong; this was supposed to be fun!  I sat with the feelings for several days, uncovering what was really going on.  And there it was  - ending up where I began - feeling what I had felt from the beginning.  I just didn't want to go - nothing about it interested me.  Too much moving about for too little interest. 

My friend Pat said what so many have said, "You already paid for it, so why not go?"  And my answer as always is, "If the money is gone already, why go if you don't want to go?

Ten years ago I walked off a ship ready to depart Tampa harbor.  Booking the reservation, I was somewhat skeptical of the cruise line but I paid $3000 for seven days in Jamaica and the Caribbean.  When I got on the ship my worst fears were realized - I just didn't like it.  My private cabin was small and smelled funny, for many reasons it was not my cup of tea.  When I decided to leave, I thought about the money but realized it was already gone.  So basically the question was - the money is gone - do you want to spend 7 uncomfortable days on this ship - and the answer was no. 

When I walked down the gangplank,  a steward said, "No one has ever done this before."  But I was happy.  It felt good to follow my feelings and leave just like it felt good not to go the luncheon on Saturday.  It was worth $100, and yes even $3000, to learn to follow my gut instincts even when they are unpopular or different than others.  So what if I don't like to network, so what if I didn't like the ship.  Am I brave enough to take my licks and walk away?  Just because I paid for something doesn't have to mean any more than I want it to mean. 

Ending The Relationship - Parting With Dignity

Are you ready to call it quits? If you and your spouse have decided to end your relationship but you are still constantly fighting and hurting one another, it is essential to learn how to part with grace and dignity.

1. Maybe you both just did the best that you could. Stop blaming now.

• The same way people are at one time meant to be together is the same way they are, at another time, not meant to be together.
• Sometimes people just grow apart; they go in different directions.
• We often feel we have to make the other person wrong in order to leave – we do not.

2. Remember you’ve loved and been intimate with this person.

• There is nothing sadder than trashing something that at one time was sacred.
• Just because you do not have a future together does not mean that you cannot have kind and loving feelings for that person.
• Remember, when you diminish and destroy the person you have shared a life with, you diminish and destroy yourself as well.

3. Give him the couch; you’ll get a life.

• A dining room set is not the same as a life. No matter how many things you get, they will never take away the sadness of a failed relationship.
• In the process of separating, if you feel you’ve won, your happiness will most likely be short-lived.
• This is not about winning or being right, but about feeling right about your Self.

4. Words have the power to wound. Choose them carefully.

• You always have the choice as to what you want to come out of your mouth. Remember, your words define you, regardless of what you say about anyone else.
• If what comes out of your mouth is ugly, you will be seen as ugly as well.
• Knowing another person is an honor and has sacredness attached to it. When you betray someone’s vulnerabilities, because you are hurt, that is the ultimate betrayal.

5. Regardless of the circumstances, you will feel like you have failed – this is natural.

• Ending a relationship is usually accompanied by a certain amount of sadness. We enter relationships, never with the thought that they will end, but always with the hope that will last forever.
• When you end a relationship there is a closing of one door. Even if you go from one relationship to another (not recommended), there is always a let-down, a realization that something has ended.
• Unless you are willing to mourn the end of a relationship in a healthy way, you will carry all the “nonsense” with you to the next one.

To Tell A Lie

Abraham Lincoln said, “I cannot tell a lie” and although most of us know this is the correct way to behave, we often make excuses and fudge the truth or worse yet, outright lie. If you think little lies are okay and you often exaggerate, or tell partial truths, you are still lying.

1. A person lies, because they lie,  It has nothing to do with the lie.

• Lying is a sign of bad character.
• Either you lie or you don’t lie. There is no such thing as a little lying, (just as there is no such thing as a little bit pregnant!).
• We stop lying when we realize that being truthful is a sign of good character.

2. There is no reason to lie unless you want to deceive in some way.

• Partial truths are lies!
• We tell half the truth because we want to hide the rest.
• We do not want to be accountable for the part we are holding back, but when you deceive another person by telling a partial truth, you break that trust.

3. There is always a kind way to speak the truth – find it.

• How often have you seen people lie and heard them make excuses by saying, “I didn’t want to hurt her feelings?”
• Just because you have not figured out a kind way to communicate does not mean that one does not exist without you having to lie.
• The truth can always be sweet if it comes from a sweet place inside you!

4. Exaggeration is momentary gratification – the high does not last.

• Exaggeration is lying.
• We exaggerate because the truth does not gratify our ego.
• If something costs $50 we say it costs $60, not because the $10 difference is so much, but because making something more momentarily boosts our ego.

5. Honesty has dignity and fosters self-esteem.

• We always KNOW when we have exaggerated or told a partial truth and there is a part of us that always feels false because of it.
• There is something very attractive and noble about integrity and people we can count on to speak the truth.
• We you speak the truth you are congruous and your energy is strong and clear.