Chandra Unplugged - No nonsense, Straight-up blogging from a Life Coach

Happy New Year

To me, every day is like every other day, but I still can appreciate the significance of a New Year.  The word "new" signifies hope and the promise of, once again, new things to come.  And all this newness and hope are great as long as we realize it takes hard work to go in a new direction, whether it be losing weight or losing a joyless relationship.  Having a good life takes bravery and being brave requires hard work. 

You can't go for quick gratification of your needs and still go the distance.  Without discipline and the knowledge that sometimes saying "no" has great power, you can never become something more.  Sometimes walking away is what we need to do, and sometimes we need to stay. Only you know all the weird places the ego takes you and what you need to work on. 

You can't take a course, write in a journal, do yoga or sit in front of a vibe machine and think it will make you happier or raise your consciousness.  All these methods will always be one step away from the action and never be the action itself.  Every method you pick up you must eventually lay down - so why bother? ONLY YOU can make a difference in your life!

So...greet the New Year head-on, full steam ahead.  Enter unadorned, take whatever power you have given away back, and walk firmly into life.

Have a great year!

Some of My Story - Chandra

I wrote my first book, Reality Works, Let It Happen, because it was something I was always looking for and could never find. If you’re like I am, you’ve read hundreds of “new age” “spiritual/self-help” books. I wanted something different, without the anecdotes, without the endless explanations. I wanted something straight and to the point and I felt that there were others who felt the same.

What kept me going during the process of finding a publisher were separating my rejections into formal and personal rejections, the personal ones telling me they liked the book but invariably suggesting that I tell stories to illustrate my point. A wonderful thing happened when I first spoke with Jan Johnson, the publisher at Red Wheel/Weiser.  The first words out of her mouth were, “I love the tone and voice of the book. I love that it is simple, succinct, and without anecdotes." I knew that I had a match.

I realize that there is no way to talk about the book without letting you know about me, my journey and the process. Reality Works is simply my way of seeing the world. All the chapter titles – Love grows if you’re Not In A Coma, When You Are Confused, Do Nothing, Workaholics Miss All The Action, When You Miss The Signs And Signals, The Universe Ups The Ante – are a direct result of my experience.

I went to India in 1970 and I had no idea how long I would be there. I ended up living there and studying with a great teacher for 10 years. I lived a very aesthetic life style and because of that life developed a quiet mind through discipline and meditation. And then one day, I realized it was time to come back. The same way the inner voice had taken me to India for 10 years was the same way it was drawing me back.

I began to "see" the wholeness of life and how it is all connected.  I realized that although I could meditate and have spiritual experiences, I still had unresolved psychological issues from my childhood and I still had no idea what I was going to be or how I was going to make my way in the world.  It became very clear to me that points in one part of your life don't give you points in another; that reality is all of life, not just the parts we are good at and that to feel whole I needed to embrace it all.

So…after 10 years I left India and the only life I had known for years.  And it was like all this psychological stuff was at exactly the same place I had left it, frozen in time.

I began the process of confronting my demons, sitting with the fears. I saw that pleasure and pain had nothing to do with clarity and that sometimes in the midst of horrific pain we may suddenly get it. I also went back to school and got my graduate degree. I wasn’t quite sure what I would do with it, but I felt it would help me move in the world and create opportunities that I wouldn’t have without it. As I began to honor all parts of my life as equal, no one part being anymore important than any other part, I could sense what being whole felt like.

I stopped partitioning my life – pretending like one part of my life had nothing to do with the other. I knew I had one heart and if that heart was closed in my personal life, I knew it would affect my relationships in business. I also knew that if I didn’t like the work I was doing during the day, it would affect my relationship when I got home. I somehow sensed it was about being able to move from one aspect of my life to another seamlessly, without a ripple. To feel centered wherever I was, at home, at work, or alone.

There were moments of real peace and clarity. Moments when I felt I had “gotten it”, I was in the flow. I began to feel that there is a way the universe unfolds whether anyone gets it or not and that tapping into the wholeness of my life was a beginning. 

What A Wonderful World!

Sit back and enjoy! Download Puppet.wmv

Does The Opposite Sex Confuse You?

Do you know that men and women are different and can you how acknowledge the sacred differences that create great relationships?

1. Men and women are different, yet equal.

• Often when there is talk about the differences between men and women, women libbers get all up in arms. I feel I can readily talk about these differences since I was an original women’s lib gal, long before it was fashionable.
• Men and women are different and I am glad they are.
• It is the differences that create the polarity and it is the polarity (yin and yang) that creates the chemistry.

2. Men are hardwired genetically to be hunters, women are not.

• I have a male friend named Paul that one day shared his version of the male/female phenomena. He said, “Long ago, men went out and hunted and women stayed home. One day the man said, “I usually bring home one buffalo, but today I am going to bring home two”. And when he got home, the woman was so overjoyed that he bought two buffalo that she cooked him his favorite meal, had great sex with him, and watched over him while he took a nap.
• The next day, he brought home three buffalo! Need I say more…..
• You do not want a man to be like your girlfriends.

3. A man loves a woman when he feels he has captured the prize. For this reason, a woman should never chase a man.

• As a woman, it is important, not to manipulate a relationship and let the man come after her.
• This is not a game but in accordance with his nature. A man needs to feel he has captured the prize, the prize that all the other men would want if they could have it.
• When a man feels this way, he loves with all his heart.

4. A woman feels loved and cherished when she knows she is the prize, his prize.

• In order to feel cherished, a woman needs to not try and control the process.
• If she asks for a commitment or in any way tries to tie up the relationship, she drastically switches the masculine/feminine polarity and begins to feel “needy”.
• Neediness makes her feel unattractive, not only t her partner but more importantly to herself.

5. The things that make a man feel good are different than the things that make a woman feel good.

• Enjoy the differences.
• The differences create the texture and chemistry in a relationship.
• See through the differences to the “heart’ of the relationship.

Is Your Computer Your Closest Relationship?

Do you sneak down to the computer when everyone is asleep? Whether its chat rooms, gambling or pornography, are you addicted to to getting on-line?

1. Sneak on-line when spouse or family members are asleep or not at home with a sense of relief.

• Only you know if this is true. We become especially clever with our addictions, knowing exactly when and where to get on-line so that no one is aware of what we are doing.
• Do you feel zoned out once you get on.
• Addictions numb us out.  We do this instead of feeling.

2. Use on-line services EVERYDAY, without skipping a day.

• We tell ourselves that we can stop if we want to, but we cannot go a day without getting on the site.
• One addiction is the same as any other; an addiction takes control of your life.
• You feel edgy and agitated if you cannot get on your site.

3. Lose track of time after making a connection and go out less and less.

• Time seems to just fly. Hours go by without leaving the computer screen.
• Sometimes you get on in daylight and get off when the sun goes down.
• Outer social life gets less and less as you spend more and more time in front of the computer. Your user name (you have many) becomes more a part of your life than your real name. You have a world of “friends” you have never met.

4. Others complain about your time in front of the computer and your time away from them and yet you continually deny what you are doing.

• Time you could be spending with your partner, family, or children is now spent on-line.
• You are late for dinner, late for appointments, forget to show-up, and forget obligations.
• Your addiction is consuming you more and more, - your loved ones less and less.

5. You log on several times a days when already busy at work.

• Your work, your livelihood is beginning to suffer. Even at work, when you are busy, you feel compelled to log on – to place a bet, to read an illicit email. You are now living a secret life and your life is becoming more and more toxic.
• Arguments about what you are doing and where you are become part of everyday life.
• Your family and friends miss you and want you back.

Freud's Repetition Compulsion

 Breaking up is hard to do because it is hard-wired, all about patterns formed in childhood.  It’s what we did in order to survive in our family of origin. We choose a partner we can run our story with, or rather is a good fit with our story. For example, if in your family of origin, no one paid any attention to your feelings, you will innately feel that you do not matter. You may then chose a partner who is unemotionally unavailable to you and when that person treats you the way you have always been treated there will be something about the interaction that is familiar to you .

It's what Freud calls repetition compulsion. We pick a person from the get go who reminds us of someone in our family of origin with the assumption being that if only I can get that person to love me then finally I will be lovable. But the person we pick doesn’t have the ability to love – we set it up that way at the beginning.

In your family of origin you had to figure out what you had to do to get love; it was a matter of surival.  As a child, you had to figure out a way to get love from an unavailable father; that was your job and you became addicted to the struggle.

We repeat that pattern as an adult. Perhaps we keep choosing men who are unavailable, not able to make a commitment to us. If our story is that we don’t matter or that we are unloveable – we will choose a partner who is emotionally unavailable to us and when we are around them and they don’t pay attention to us, we will feel that we are right and we will see that our story is true and  then we will complain about the other person. We will never look at ourselves. Instead of taking responsibility for our unhappiness, we project it onto our partner and say he/she is the cause of it. That is not true. We are responsible for that big hole inside of us – we can’t lay it on someone else.

There’s only 1 way to break an unhealthy relationship, and that’s to understand it’s just about YOU and no one else. You need to understand that no one can make you do anything. You are not unhappy because of anyone else but you are really unhappy about the choices you have made. But just like you made those choices, you can make new ones as well.

Syncing Up Body and Spirit

If you struggling with weight and body image issues, understand why it important to not be obsessive but still like how you look AND be comfortable in your own skin.

1. You are a whole person – inside and outside need to match up.

• Everyone has parts of his/her body they don't like and wish were different.
• How you feel on the inside usually matches how you look on the outside.
• Oftentimes, we try and cut and paste our life, pretending the inside doesn't matter, fixing up the outside,  and end up feeling out of sync and confused.

2. If you are making excuses for not feeling good, you need to stop.

• You have free will and can change what doesn’t work for you.
• This is self-explanatory. Get cracking.
• I am not taking about being an exercise fanatic, or being pre-occupied with how you look; I am talking about being pleased about walking around as you.

3. Your body is your house.

• You need to feel comfortable wherever you are.
• Getting dressed, going out, do you feel comfortable in your skin?
• The world’s reaction to us is nothing more than a reflection of who we are. If you are not pleased with your Self, the world will reflect that back to you.

4. The world gives us feedback – do you like what you are getting? If not, are you willing to make adjustments?

• This is where we separate the men from the boys.
• Changing hard-wired body image issues takes hard work and doesn't happen overnight.
• We need to change from the inside out and from the outside in.  Mostly, we need to start the process of change.

5. Arguing with your partner about weight and body image diminishes the relationship.

• Address real concerns and move on.
• This is NOT a relationship issue.
• This is something each one of us decides for ourselves.

How The Buddha became The Compassionate One

Do you know the story of the Buddha?  It is said that he sat under the the Bodhi tree for forty years and asked himself the quintessential question, "Who am I?"  Again and again and again he would hear, "Not this, not this, not this", until one day he had a realization that parted the heavens.  In an instant, he got all the answers and a voice rang out, "You have attained Nirvana.  You can spend the rest of your time on earth in samadhi (a divine state of bliss), and you never have to be part of the human condition again". 

At that moment the Buddha became The Compassionate One.  He said, "I cannot leave until I take all sentient beings with me."  In an instant, he realized what it was to live a human existence and what it is to suffer in a human body.  He directly experienced onerwhelming compassion for the human condition and that compassion opened his heart to infinite loving. 

It was through is humanity that he realized his divinity, not the other way around. He also knew he needed to bring his truth back into the world.

And remember the zen koan: Before enlightenment, I chopped wood and carried water.  After enlightenment, I chopped wood and carried water.  Spiritual experiences come and go - Life remains constant.