Chandra Unplugged - No nonsense, Straight-up blogging from a Life Coach

Do You Have A Mind That Never Rests?

If you have difficulty sleeping at night, finishing what you’ve started, and trouble making decisions, then it’s time to understand why having a quiet mind brings peace and is the foundation for a good life.

1. Without down time, the mind never rests. Everything needs rest!

• Never mistake a busy life for a life of substance.
• Just because something is moving all the time does not mean that it is going anywhere.
• If you nail one foot down to the floor and you keep moving, you are still going in circles.

2. A frantic mind misses opportunities and actually pushes them away.

• When your mind is frantic, your vibration is chaotic. And a chaotic mind always repels good opportunities.
• Opportunities actually go whizzing by frantic minds.
• Everything is universe – in order to be healthy, needs to rest as well as to move, i.e., times to be active and times to do nothing but rest in being. The mind needs down time.

3. It is the nature of the mind to have thoughts.

• To the mind, all thoughts are the same.
• Our ego ranks our thoughts. The thoughts that make us feel good about ourselves we pull to us and the thoughts that make us feel bad, we push away. This action creates a frantic mind.
• Even though we rank our thoughts, to the mind all thoughts are the same – one thought is not better than another, just like all spots on a leopard are the same to that leopard, even though some are big and some are small.

4. Truth comes through the mind, not from the mind.

• Once we view our thoughts from the observer viewpoint - not the ego – then all thoughts become equal, the same way they exist in the mind.
• In order to access truth, the mind must be quiet.
• The mind is the vehicle that transports consciousness.

5. Meditation quiets the mind and opens the heart.

• Only when the mind is quiet do we gain access to additional information we could not hear when the mind was frantic.
• Meditation leads us back home - to that quiet place inside.
• Peace comes from a quiet mind and an open heart.

Do You Dance The Dance of Intimacy?

Do you and your partner do “the Dance of Intimacy?” If you are still doing the “come close/go away” dance, learn how to stop and make a real connection.

1. Recognize the pursurer-distancer pattern. Which one are you?

• I guess it really does not matter which part you play; when you participate, you keep the dance going.
• Regardless of what your partner is doing, take responsibility for your behavior.  Remember, it takes two to tango.
• Stopping the dysfunction means you are willing to stop what YOU are doing. Do not focus on your partner. When you focus on someone else, you never have the power to change

2. Self-validate. Don’t share only to get agreement for your viewpoint.

• Confidence that comes from an inner life is very appealing. Bravado that comes from the ego is not.
• To be self-referring means that you are not waiting for another to validate your way of looking at the world, but rather you look to yourself to do that.
• Do not share just to get consensus for your point of view. That is not sharing; it is manipulation.

3. It’s not if couples fight, it’s “how” they fight that matters.

• At some point, all couples disagree with one another. This is simply what happens in life and not a big deal.
• If you know how to “fight”, these disagreements can actually bring you closer.
• Respectfully allowing another to disagree with you without making the other person “wrong” is an art, and the foundation of all good and healthy communication.

4. Don’t think when the other person is talking.

• It is very rude to be thinking what you are going to say next when the other person is talking. You cannot listen when you are focused on what you are going to say.
• Set rules for talking to one another and follow them.
• Stop talking if you are constantly interrupted. Tell your partner when you are done talking, he can talk for three minutes and you will listen and not interrupt him. This way you will both learn how to talk and listen without interruption.

5. Everyone is scared in unknown territory. Be brave.

• Doing it a different way is always scary at first but the only way to move in a new direction.
• Being on the same page means both partners take responsibility for changing themselves.
• Stay centered and focused on YOU.  We change because we want to change - that's it.

Afraid of Being Alone?

Are you staying in a bad relationship because you’re afraid of being alone?  If the prospect of being alone scares you more than the unhealthy relationship you’re already in, learn why the ability to be alone is actually the key ingredient to having a good relationship.

1. Nothing is lonelier than being in an unloving relationship.
   • It is one thing to get lonely when you are by yourself; you look around and no one is there. 
   • It is another thing to lie next to your partner in bed and feel all alone.  Nothing is lonelier than that.
   • Loving relationships have the ability to take down the walls; unloving ones keep them up.

2. To know what makes you feel good, you must spend time alone.
   • There is only one way to know who you are really are; you must spend time alone.
   • Alone time allows us to quiet all those other voices in our head other than our own.  For the first time we are then able to hear our own voice.
   • So much of the time we are busy trying to figure out how to make the other person like us; we need time alone to figure out how we can like ourselves.

3. Things come out when you are alone and that is good.
   • Being alone, eventually the mind begins to quiet down and things that were in darkness come to the light.
   • Self-acceptance comes from a very quiet place.  Being alone allows you to “feel” your way through the darkness.
   • Our frame of reference narrows; we become Self-referring, i.e., we look inside for the answers, rather than outside, to others.

4. Everyone feels lonely at times; this is natural and normal, the human condition.
   • Loneliness is part of the human condition.  It is the existential slice of life that can never be changed; you will always feel lonely at times.
   • You come in alone and you will go out alone – no one’s opinion can change that.
   • Being lonely is different than being alone.  Being alone is a choice that we make because we choose to enjoy our own company.

5. If you can be alone, you have inner strength.
   • You also have self-esteem and self respect.
   • Enjoying your own company sets you free.
   • When you like your own company, you choose from a different place – you are around certain people because you just want to be, and for no other reason than that.

How To Get Out Of A Narcissistic Relationship

Are you with a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde? If you are stuck in an emotionally, mentally, verbally, or physically abusive relationship, have lost your self-respect and self-esteem, feel more and more isolated from friends and family, and have a “walking on eggs” relationship, you need to join this group. The narcissist’s best weapon is his tongue. He never accepts blame for   anything and never apologizes. He has a total lack of empathy. These relationships are “too good to be true” at the beginning but quickly disintegrate once he has captured you with his charm.

Learn how to recognize this abusive relationship, stop being a victim, and take your power back. Learn that you are not alone and that many people are fooled initially. Narcissists get worse over time, so do not think this relationship will get better.

To register - Go To: www.meetup.com “Are You With A Narcissist?”

When:  Saturday, December 5, 2009, 1-3 PM

Where: 3410 Henderson Ave, Suite 200, Tampa, Fl 33609

Cost: $25 on-line or call 813.348.9885

Unresolved childhood Issues

Are unresolved childhood issues still running your life? If you’re stuck in the past and don’t know how to move on, it is important to learn how to make peace with the past and live in the present.

1. Most people look like adults but are really children.

• Having a good life and healthy relationships are about “growing up”.
• I learned a long time ago that no one had a great childhood. They were all difficult and at some point we all have to move on.
• As a child, you cannot have adult relationships.

2. Being a victim makes you powerless.

• Taking back your power means you are not waiting or wanting your parents’ approval.
• You need to become your own parent, your own source of approval.
• Every single person who walks on this earth has been hurt by someone or something. That is what being human is about. It is learning how to open to life – to the joys and the sorrows. You can’t have one without having the other.

3. Our issues are always our issues.

• My favorite all time quote is by T.S. Eliot. He says, “It is ending up where you began but knowing the place for the first time.”
• We keep circling around. If you have abandonment issues from your childhood, those stay your issues forever and you get the chance to keep working on them.
• They may never go away but they stop running your life. You may always be aware that they are there, but when you grow up, you are in charge of your life as an adult, not as a child that feels victimized.

4. Feeling is only way to heal.

• You cannot “think” your way through your issues.
• You need to own them and the only way you can do that is by feeling.
• To be brave enough to get out of your head and into your heart is the beginning of a good life.

5.  Your PAST can work for you if you let it.

•  Accepting your past, actually embracing it as part of what makes you YOU, gives you texture.
•   Integrating past experiences and owning them, regardless of how they came about, sets you free.
• Accepting your past as part of the human condition gives you tremendous compassion.   

Talking Your Relationship to Death

Are you addicted to relationship talk: “Where are we in this relationship?  I feel I need a commitment from you. We need to talk.”  If your relationship is dying a slow death by talking about it ad nausea, learn how to stop talking about your life and start living it.

 

1. Constant discussion is an addiction.  This has nothing to do with the actual relationship.
   • Constantly talking about the relationship becomes a substitute for actually living one. 
   • Constant discussion is an addiction and keeps you anesthetized. 
   • When you stay focused in your head, rather than your heart, you are always one step away from connecting.  

 

2. Stop calling family and friends to gain consensus for your point of view.
   • Are you doing this?  Be really honest with yourself. 
   • When you are always giving your point of view and have the need for someone to agree with you, this has nothing to do with feeling right and all to do with wanting to be right.
   • Gaining consensus for your point of view is all about the ego.  The truth is you feel bad and are looking for the person on the other end of the phone to make you feel good.  This is simply a momentary high and will not last very long before you have to pick up the phone and call someone else.

3. Do you feel rejected if you do not get the answer you want from your partner?
   • Is it okay to discuss differing points of view and not be invested in getting the other person to see it your way?  Can you be with someone who sees it differently than you do?
   • This does not mean you put up with behavior that is disrespectful or objectionable, but rather that you do not “try” and change someone else.
   • People change because they want to change.  Simply express how you feel and see what the other person does.

4. Do you need to know where your partner is all the time?
   • Constant “relationship” talk is always about insecurity and often results in having to know where your partner is at every minute.
   •  This behavior is very unattractive and ultimately will destroy the relationship.
   • Look at your cell phone.  Do you call your “partner” more than once a day just to check-in?  How do you feel when you can’t get through?

5. Do you get anxious when you think of being alone?
   • If you cannot be alone, cannot enjoy your own company, you can never have a healthy relationship. 
   • The ability to be alone is probably the most important factor in having a successful relationship.
   • If you do not like your own company and cannot be alone, you will constantly talk rather than face that fear.

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”
It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

© Mountaindreaming, from the book The Invitation published by Harper San Francisco, 1999, All rights reserved

 

Cell Phone Etiquette

Are you addicted to your cell phone? If you have a closer relationship with your cell phone than you do with most people in your life, learn why breaking the cell phone addiction is the best thing you can do for yourself.

1. Do family and friends complain about your constant cell phone use? Pay attention to what they are saying.

• Last year I walked out of a lunch date with a person who would not get off his cell phone. After attempting several times to get him to realize that constantly answering the phone and talking while I was sitting in front of him was inconsiderate, I got up from the table, told him I was going and wished him a good lunch. Not that I was there to teach him a lesson, but I’m sure it was a lunch he will always remember.
• Do you have any idea how difficult it is to consciously drive and talk on the cell phone at the same time? Get on line and start reading the studies. Putting down the phone is not just an opportunity to spend more quality time with people you love and care about; it is an opportunity to stay alive.
• I personally do not drive as a passenger with a person who is constantly on the phone. I like my life and want to stay in one piece as long as possible.

2. Do you feel anxious when you forget your phone or can’t get to a call?

• Do you feel disconnected from the world when you leave your phone at home?
• Can you drive from point A to point B without having a phone with you?
• Are you one of those people who call back phone numbers you see on your caller ID even when you don’t know who called you, so afraid you are going to miss one call? I hate to say it, but that’s really bad!!pathetic.

3. Do you answer your phone at meals and social times? This is bad manners and unattractive.

• When I go out with someone, I leave my phone turned off or in the car.
• If I am expecting an important call, I say so beforehand and let the other person know that is the only reason I would answer the phone.
• Spending time with another person is about connecting. If you want to talk on the phone, stay home.

4. Does a ringing phone make you feel important? Do you talk just to talk?

• Be honest. Do you feel important every time your phone rings?
• It is not hard to amass a group of people who have nothing to do all day but phone and text.
• Remember – constant chatter is not the same as a life of substance. Actually, it is quite the opposite.

5. Are you ever able to turn your phone off? Try it for one day.

• Want to know if you have a problem? Turn the phone off and leave it at home. How do you feel?
• Be aware of your anxiety, how out of sorts you feel.
• These feelings are wrecking havoc in your life whether or not you are aware of them.

Be Courageous - Stop the Abuse

Are you being verbally and emotionally abused and are you finally getting tired of it? NOW is the time to stop the abuse and take your power back.

1. Stop making excuses. If something feels bad, it usually is.

• We KNOW when something feels bad the same way we know when something feels good.
• We make excuses because we know that truly acknowledging our feelings would mean that we will have to make a change and we don’t feel ready to do that.
• But the truth is that you will never feel ready to change dysfunctional stuff.

2.  When you stop seeing yourself as a victim, you take your power back.

• Feeling victimized depletes you of your power and leaves you immobilized. You feel stuck and you are.
• Power is not bravado. It’s a little voice that says “you can do it.”
• Our inner voice whispers at first, but as we pay attention, the voice gets louder.

3. Being a victim is unattractive, to your Self as well as to others.

• Isn’t it amazing that the world is a reflection of how we “see it?”
• As a victim, you are unattractive to your Self; as a result, you are perceived that way by the world as well.
• Taking your power back means you do it anyway, when you are not ready, and the act of “doing it” makes you feel ready and empowered.

4. You can create a new life; just like you created this one.

• The process of healing demands that you take full responsibility for the life you have created.
• Know that just like you have created the life you have today, you can create something else going forward that is good and will nourish your soul.
• Fell the life you want, think about it, act on it.

5. Remember - Your future is your present projected forward.

• If you don’t like your life – Change it. You can do it.
• The only way to have something different than what you have today is to do different things.
• You need to put new things in the hopper to have new results.