Chandra Unplugged - No nonsense, Straight-up blogging from a Life Coach

Deepening A Relationship

Do you want something more in your relationship than what you have? Learn how to deepen what you already have.

1. You cannot have an open loving relationship unless that is what you are.

• Remember: What you are seeking is always seeking you.
• You will only attract to you what you are.
• If you want someone who is open and loving, you must be the same.

2. You need to be more concerned “feeling” right, rather than being right.

• If what you care about is being right, you will always lose.
• Being right is about the ego, it is a mind game that has nothing to do with real connections.
• “Feeling right” comes from the heart and is truly a heart to heart connection.
• Feeling right always takes place in the present moment and is more concerned with loving than being right.

3. You say how you feel even though you are scared.

• This is not easy. You have to be very brave to be authentic; to not become less because you are concerned with how another person sees you.
• The hard part – How do you say what you need to say and not make the other person defensive?
• How do you take care of yourself and another at the same time?  (Hint - Stay connected to that loving feeling!)

4. You stay when you want to run.

• This is even harder than saying how you feel when you are scared.
• Trust me – we love the ones who stay!!!
• You do this by taking responsibility for your stuff and know that if you leave this relationship without working on your "stuff", you will just have to do it eventually with someone else. 

When Confused, Do Nothing!

Rushing a decision is never in our best interests but often we fear the unknown and choose a course before the time is right. Do you know that - When you are confused, it is always best to do nothing?

1. Confusion is an incongruity between what you are thinking and what you are feeling. This is what happens when you are confused.

• This incongruity always feels bad and you need to listen to how you are feeling.
• When the heart is telling you one thing and the mind is going in another direction, you will always feel split down the middle.
• Do nothing when you are in this state.

2. Confusion points the way to a new beginning – It will not allow us to take the familiar path. This is good.

• Don’t get scared when you are confused. Perhaps a new direction is on the forefront, one that will be better suited to you.
• Important here is to honor the intellect but more importantly is to honor the heart. Ask yourself, “What am I really feeling?”
• Unless you can deal honestly with what you have at this moment, you can never move to a new place.

3. Sit on the floor and ask yourself. "What am I feeling?"  

• It gets you out of your head and back in your body where you can feel.
• Sometimes the energy is so much up in the head, you can no longer feel. Sitting on the floor gets the energy back in your body where it belongs.
• Only by feeling can you get out of confusion.

4. Do not make a decision until everything in you says, “Go!”

• Doing something is NOT better than doing nothing.
• Stop wasting valuable time back-tracking which is what you will have to do if you move forward before you are ready and prepared.   
• Feel good, solid and clear before moving forward. Move when EVERYTHING in you says go and not a moment before. This way you are guaranteed success.

The Absolute Art Of Forgiveness

Holding anger and rage inside immobilizes us and destroys our life and relationships. If you are holding on to a hurt that is preventing you from moving on in life, learn about the power of forgiveness and how it can set you free.

1. Forgiveness is always about you – not the other person.

• You must look in your own heart in order to forgive and intimately connect to what it is to be human. Do you have compassion for the human condition, i.e., for making mistakes, for wishing if you had to do it all over again your would do it differently?
• If you cannot personally connect to this feeling, you can never forgive another.
• In order to do this, you must first be able to forgive yourself.

2. Forgiveness is not about what you “should” do.

• Forgiveness may be a concept you have intellectually incorporated into your life, but if it becomes a “should” for you, you have not truly forgiven.
• “Should” and “Ought” come from the mind.
• Forgiveness comes from the heart.

3. To forgive, you must feel…and remember.

• Remember when you needed forgiveness.
• Only by feeling, can you forgive and in the process remember your own humanness.
• We all need forgiveness.

4. Forgiving releases anger and resentment.

• Not forgiving is very toxic to the mind, heart and body.
• When you hold on to anger and resentment, all systems begin to break down.
• The minute you forgive, an openness takes place that was not there previously.

5. Forgiveness frees you and opens your heart to loving.

• There is nothing that will free you faster than letting go and moving on.
• The “letting go” and “moving on” take place simultaneously in the moment and instantly there is an incredible lightness of being.
• As the toxic thoughts dissipate, the heart opens to loving.

Keeping The Passion Alive!

We all buy into the platitude that passion diminishes over time… but just because many people say the same thing doesn’t make it so. If you feel your relationship is stagnant and has stopped growing, learn why love actually grows and becomes more passionate if you stay awake and connected.  

1. If you stay awake, passion naturally grows over time.

• Staying awake and passion go hand in hand.
• It is awareness that stirs passion.
• Awareness of your Self increases awareness of another.

2. You cannot “love” unless you like and respect the other person.

• Really liking someone is joyful.
• And the more you respect a person the more your heart opens to them.
• Loving is about acceptance not about perfection.

3. You cannot spoil someone with too much loving.

• Keep loving without waiting for the other person to do it first.
• The more you love, the more you are open to loving.
• There is no such thing as too much good loving.

4. Letting someone “see” who you are, opens hearts to loving.

• Vulnerability is the cornerstone of passion.
• When you hide, your heart closes down.
• Everyone wants to be known.  The more you are known, the more naked you become.  The more "naked" you are, the more passion!!

5. Sex, physical contact, is important.

• But only if you are after a true connection.
• Sex without love is hollow, an itch that is scratched.
• Physical contact between two loving beings is scared and creates true passion.

Are You A Workaholic? Be Honest With Yourself!

We’ve all heard the term workaholic but somehow we don’t take it seriously. But being a workaholic is an addiction, and like any other addiction, it can destroy relationships.

1. Regardless of how much you do, or how much you make, it is never enough.
   • Admit it – it is never enough.
   • But think about it. How many steaks can you have on your plate and how many cars can you get your butt into at the same time?
   • It is really not about needing more because more is never enough.

2. You admit to yourself that you are only “really happy” when you are working.
   • You feel out of place when you are not at your workplace.
   • Even at your child’s birthday party, you are waiting to get back to work.
   • You feel uncomfortable when you are not in control.

3. Your focus is always on the future, not the present.
   • It is always about tomorrow and tomorrow never comes.
   • There is an addiction to striving, to it never being enough.
   • Tomorrow you say you will work less but somehow you never do. Your life is going by and you do not even know it.

4. You mistake a busy mind for a good life.
   • Just because you’re movin’ and busy does not mean you have a good life.
   • A good life is about connections, and if you are working all the time, you are not connecting.
   • What "real" connections do you have?  Whom do you feel close to?

5. Relaxing with “nothing to do” makes you uneasy.
   • Learn how to “do nothing”.
   • Practice the discipline of not being constantly distracted. Sit quietly, be grateful.
   • Even while doing nothing, you exist and have value. You are valuable simply by being alive.

Are You Afraid To Talk To Your Partner?

  Does the thought of talking to your partner make you nervous and apprehensive? If so, you may have a “Walking on Eggs” relationship. Learn why a “walking on eggs” relationship is a communication nightmare.

1. You think about everything you say before you say it.

• This is torture. The mind is on overload already and the need to censor everything before you say it is very anxiety producing.
• Just talk; it’s all going to come out anyway.

   2.  You are always trying to figure out the other person’s mood.

• When is the best time to talk? The best time is always now.
• OK – here’s the deal. There is NO right time to talk.
• And regardless of how good another’s mood may be, you will always be scared you are going to be misunderstood. Try your best to communicate as clearly as you can.

3. You find yourself rehearsing what you want to say.

•  Like a rehearsing for a play that never ends, you are continually going over your lines.
• Regardless of how many times you get it right in practice, it is never what you imagined it to be.
• Be brave and say what is on your mind. It is your opinion and you have a right to express it.

4. You are hurt and upset if you do not get the response you want.

• You cannot ever control someone else, and besides, what does it matter if someone agrees with you.
• Why do you need another’s agreement?  Do YOU know who you are without being validated from the outside?
• If you really are interested in your partner, you will listen and not judge.

    5.  You feel angry and resentful most of the time.

• How bad is that?
• Anger is really sadness turned upside down.  When you feel your sadness, you are no longer angry.
• You are sad, and that it because you have denied your Self. If you cannot be real, you have nothing.

Is An Affair The End Of A Relationship?

Nothing seems more devastating than finding out your partner is having an affair but does it have to mean the end of your relationship? Could this broken relationship be salvageable?

Important components to consider in the healing process:

1. You want to stay – even though your ego, family and friends are telling you to go.

• Ask yourself, “Why do I want to stay?”
• Is your partner remorseful? The answer needs to be yes.
• And although you can never be held responsible for someone else’s bad behavior, do you accept responsibility for your behavior?

  2.  Did you know there were problems and did you look the other way and not want to confront them? You cannot stay if you stay in that victim mentality.

• You must be willing to get professional help – both as a couple and individually.
• Couples therapy by itself does not work. Both of you need to do individual work.
• Cheating is NOT a sexual issue but a character issue. And refusing to deal with “red flags” puts one in denial.

   3.  Stop telling everyone your story to gain consensus. We all know it was a bad thing to do and   besides repetition makes the hurt worse.

• The more you tell your story the longer you will feel victimized.
• Re-hashing the details hard-wires the dysfunction even more.
• If you want to heal, you need to zip it.

 4.  You once had good chemistry with one another.

• Now is the time to be really honest with yourself.
• Did you once have good chemistry with your partner or was that a part of the relationship that was never so great?
• If the chemistry was never there to begin with, now might be a good time to end the relationship.

  5.  Going through the process allows us to forgive.

• You need to feel the hurt AND remember the good times – both are important in the healing process.
• Nothing is either all good or all bad – simply “what is”.
• If we are able to deal with reality, we have a chance for a re-do.

Closing One Door – Opening Another

Most of us believe the saying, “When you close one door, open another” and that’s what most of us do. But what if you were to learn that opening another door too quickly may not be in your best interest and may actually work against you. What do you do when one door closes and another one is not yet open?

 

1. Don’t panic. We all feel out of control when we don’t know what’s in store for us.

• We all feel afraid when we enter unknown territory; this is natural and happens to all of us. 

• You need to bear the anxiety and stay the course no matter what. 

• Once you know it is essential to head in a new direction, move forward acknowledging your fear as well as your desire to be something more.

2. Do not say, “Anything is better than nothing” and make a decision out of fear.

• Anything is NOT better than nothing. 

• We are so afraid of the unknown, so devoid of trust, that we become immobilized.  Is it okay to not have all the answers before we make a move? 

• Can we not want something we have without knowing exactly what it is we do want?

3. Put in the right ingredients. If the ingredients are good, the outcome will be good.

• Putting in the right ingredients is the key to having a good life. 

• The universe delivers in a way we cannot imagine and we do not want to mess with the outcome. 

• Being too concerned with the result limits the possibilities and we end up sabotaging ourselves.  Get out of the way and let the magic begin.

4. Sit quietly. Good choices come out of a quiet mind; when you can hear your own voice.

• Our inner voice only speaks when the mind is quiet. 

• That voice comes from the heart and ALWAYS is in your best interest. 

• Be open to possibilities you have not even considered.