Chandra Unplugged - No nonsense, Straight-up blogging from a Life Coach

How To Experience What Is Real

I’m sure many of you have thought about the concept of reality and even had discussions on the subject. How many times have you heard someone say or even said yourself, “This is my reality and that is yours. But reality has nothing to do with what someone thinks, it simply is. When our life really begins to rock and roll is when our opinion of how it works and the way it really works are the same, they are in sync. The space between what we think and how it truly unfolds determines the amount of incongruity in our lives. This incongruity gives us pain, suffering and confusion and is in exact proportion to our separation from reality. When there is a wide gap between what we say we want and what we keep getting, this is a clear indication that we are not “getting it”, we are not in the flow, not connected to reality.

So…if we just think for a minute and remember a time when things just went our way. We say the timing was right, the people were right; everything seemed to just fall into place. I’m sure if you can connect to the feeling you can feel the effortless quality, the ease with which things unfolded. Very little thinking takes place in this space, and that’s because we are present, squarely in the moment. We are not in our heads, we are centered right here; directly experiencing what is. When we are present we “know” there is no gap between our opinion of reality and how it really works.

The key to experiencing “reality”, i.e., “what is”, is to be present, and the only way to do that is to “feel”. What we are talking about here is not emotions, but that spot in the chest that resonates as truth. And to do that, we must pull the energy from above the neck to below it.

We can never really know anything with the mind, because the mind operates in the world of duality. As the Tao says, when we find one thing beautiful, we find another thing ugly. Only by dismissing one idea, does the intellect or mind accept another. But to really know something, we have to experience it unconditionally, to step outside the mind. To test the “realness” of something, we must feel it, and to feel, we must get out of the mind and into the body. The minute the energy settles in the heart, we become present. At that moment we are no longer one step away from the action; we are the action. Rather than thinking about our life, we are living it. This congruence of being present is reality. 

Time's Up!!! 5 Sure-Fire Tips For Breaking-Up

Time's Up - It's time to break-up.  We all need help when breaking from a dysfunctional relationship.  Here are some methods that have helped me and worked with my clients:

• Write down everything; all the verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive incidents and write it in long hand, detail by detail.  Read it often.

• Have a buddy system with a best friend to help you break this addiction.  Call your friend rather than calling your ex.

• If pushed or abused in any way, protect yourself by calling the police, getting legal help, a restraining order.

• Do not engage, no matter what!  No calls, no email, no texts, no messages from friends, etc.  This is the hardest thing to do but the one that makes all the difference.

• Remember how many times you have broken up and gone back and KNOW if you go back again you will just have to repeat this difficult process.

What Really Happens In Unhealthy Relationships

Breaking up is hard to do because it is hard-wired, all about patterns formed in childhood.  It’s what we did in order to survive in our family of origin. We choose a partner we can run our story with, or rather is a good fit with our story. For example, if in your family of origin, no one paid any attention to your feelings, you will innately feel that you do not matter. You may then chose a partner who is unemotionally unavailable to you and when that person treats you the way you have always been treated there will be something about the interaction that is familiar to you .

It's what Freud calls repetition compulsion. We pick a person from the get go who reminds us of someone in our family of origin with the assumption being that if only I can get that person to love me then finally I will be lovable. But the person we pick doesn’t have the ability to love – we set it up that way at the beginning.

In your family of origin you had to figure out what you had to do to get love; it was a matter of surival.  As a child, you had to figure out a way to get love from an unavailable father; that was your job and you became addicted to the struggle.

We repeat that pattern as an adult. Perhaps we keep choosing men who are unavailable, not able to make a commitment to us. If our story is that we don’t matter – we will choose a partner who is emotionally unavailable to us and when we are around them and they don’t pay attention to us, we will feel that we are right and we will see that our story is true and  then we will complain about the other person. We will never look at ourselves. Instead of taking responsibility for our unhappiness, we project it onto our partner and say he/she is the cause of it. That is not true. We are responsible for that big hole inside of us – we can’t lay it on someone else.

There’s only 1 way to break an unhealthy relationship, and that’s to understand it’s just about YOU and no one else. You need to understand that no one can make you do anything. You are not unhappy because of anyone else but you are really unhappy about the choices you have made. But just like you made those choices, you can make new ones as well.

Stuart Wilde - An Absolute Original

The first time I read Stuart Wilde, I remember thinking, "What a hoot.  Right on the money".  He is smart, his heart is open, and he has the rare ability of putting it all together in a way that is scared and irreverant at the same time.  Simultaneoulsy, he cuts through the BS and connects to the core of what is real and true.  Here are a few of the things he says: 

Heart Trouble
They say heart trouble is caused by eating fatty foods, and living an unhealthy lifestyle. This may well be true, but I’ve got a sneaky suspicion that the real cause of heart attacks is people's inability to go past their fear, and open their hearts and love humanity.

Heart trouble is a long-term emotional condition, caused by being too tight, lacking warmth, and not loving others. What's hereditary is not a faulty heart, but the lack of love.

You see, if you have a heart chakra the size of a flea's arsehole, it doesn't allow you to join humanity, and if you can't join humanity and embrace it with all its faults, you can't join God. If you can't join God, your body throws in the towel.

Uncharted Terror
Uncharted terror is when you are completely terrorized. It’s often terror you haven't seen before. It only comes when you stop being completely arseholic and you embrace the feminine spirit. I’ve done a lot of uncharted terror in my life--it taught me to be brave. I found out bravery is not the absence of fear; it’s being able to operate effectively when scared shitless.

Enjoy Stuart Wilde.

The Truth about The Law of Attraction

I’m sure all of you know of Albert Einstein. His formula E=MC (2) basically means the world is made up of energy. That means that everything is moving all the time. When you look at you hand, it looks solid, but it is really a mass of fast moving molecules and so is every thing else in the universe. Everything in this universe is energy and everything is moving. The law of attraction says that you will attract to you a match for your energy, or your vibration. If you are always thinking negative thoughts, your vibration will be negative and you will attract a match for that vibration. This is the same for positive thoughts.

It is only thought that PERMEATES all time and space. Your thoughts create your feelings and your feelings set up an energy frequency that go out into the universe and find a match for that frequency. In the Bible it says, “As a man thinketh in his heart, so he is”.

The first step in understanding the Law of Attraction is to ASK. Several years ago I was going through a difficult time in my life when I needed to make some changes and I had a good friend say to me, “Do you know how to get what you want?”  I looked at her and said, “Tell me”. “Ask, she said, you have to ask for what you want”.

Do you remember when you were little – a genie would pop out of a bottle – I think it was Aladdin - and he would say, “Your wish is my command”. Also, “Ask and it shall be given” and “To him who knocks, the door is open.”

How many of us go into a restaurant and order something off the menu and expect to get exactly what we want? This is no different. Put in your order. Ask for what you want.  Ask yourself, “What do I truly want?” Focus on what you want, not what you don’t want. The universe is very literal so write it out on a piece of paper and write it down in present tense.

Instead of saying “I hope one day to have a good relationship” or “I don’t want to have an abusive relationship” (the energy you are sending out is bad relationship energy) say instead, “I deserve to be in a healthy, loving relationship with a partner who loves me unconditionally”. If you are in debt, instead of focusing on getting out of debt, instead say, "I am financially independent." Say what you want in the present tense, as though you already have it. Feel like you have it and believe it is possible. Remember, we create from the inside out.

Now once we realize how this law of attraction works, we need to be vigilant and bring to light all the underlying feelings that are still in darkness. What is in darkness always comes to light sooner or later so we might as well invite the demons in. Not running from the demons gets rid of the incongruity between what we think we are creating and what we are really creating.  Remember, we attract by how we really feel – not what we wish or hope for. If at the deepest core of your being you do not feel that you deserve to be financially free, or truly loved, it will not happen.  It is often the sub-text that creates, the thoughts and feelings that we have not yet allowed to come to consciousness.  Acceptance of all our feelings creates a powerful vibration that sends a strong, clear message to the universe.

• How do we create?  If the first step in creating your world is to ask for what you want, the next step is that the universe answers.  This takes time. Do not be impatient. Put in the right ingredients but do not mess with the outcome. You are in charge of the ingredients but not the outcome – that is the universe’s job. The universe has a way of putting together all the pieces and delivering in a way you can’t even imagine. Once again – don’t be impatient. Here you are attempting to change a lifetime of dysfunction – it takes a little bit of time. When you plant a seed, fruit falls from the tree.

• You don’t need to see the whole picture all at once to know things are changing. For example, you are able to drive 3000 miles from Florida to California even though the headlights on the car only light the way for 200 feet.

• OK.  Next, you have to be able to RECEIVE. You have to now bring yourself into alignment with what you are asking for. Remember the way you feel is everything. If you cannot feel joy how can you bring joy into your life? By the very same token, if you focus on hate, you will attract that, and if you focus on anger, your life will be filled with that emotion.

• And most importantly, what can you do if you are feeling negative? There is nothing better than GRATITUDE to create a positive feeling.  Ask yourself, "What am I grateful for? Just think of one thing:  a good friend, good health, a loving child, a supportive parent, a place to live, a great pet.  And when you think of what you are grateful for, you immediately get a feeling. And that feeling goes out into the universe and finds an match for  its vibration. 

The Truth About The Law of Attraction

For five years on NBC’s DAYTIME I did a segment called “Reality Check”….. Every week I would take live call-ins and deal with viewer’s issues. Regardless of the problem, the dynamic was always the same when people felt stuck. Whether it’s an emotionally abusive relationship, hating your job, having issues with your boss, or being in debt, when people feel stuck, i.e., keep doing the same things that don’t work again and again, they usually feel victimized. They ask me, "Why is all this happening to me?", and I answer, because what happened to me didn’t happen to you. We all have our stuff and no one’s stuff is any better or worse than anyone else’s. It’s just that mine is mine and yours is yours. If it happened to you, it belongs to you, so you might as well accept full responsibility for it even though sometimes you might not be able to fully understand it.

When you refuse to take full responsibility for what is happening to you, you will feel victimized. And in feeling victimized, you literally give your power away.  So, the reason you need to take full responsibility for where you are at right this moment, not 50% responsibility, not 90%, but 100%, is because when you take 100% responsibility for being here now, in that same instant, you immediately take your power back and know you also have full power to create the life you want. The same way you have created this life is the exact way you can create the life you want, i.e., if you are willing to do things differently.

We all know that when our life does not work and we keep doing the same things we have always done we will get the same results. Remember, time does nothing put pass. It is not positive or negative but a neutral backdrop on which we live our lives. Over time, things become more of what they already are:  things that are good become better and things that are bad become worse.

Our life is like a big jet plane that has all this propulsion behind it.  It is careening in a direction and has a life of its own. That’s what got us here, but that’s not where we have to stay.

You have the ability to turn that big plane around. The same amount of energy that got you here is the same energy that is capable of taking you in a new direction. It might take a little time to turn the jet around, but when it turns, it has just as much propulsion going in a new direction.

How do we change what doesn’t work? The quickest way I know is to change your thoughts. You have the ability to change the way you feel and in the process change the way your life will unfold, simply by changing your thoughts. You create your world, moment by moment, by what you think and what you feel. Your thoughts create your feelings and your feelings create your life.

For example, when you are combing your hair and you look in the mirror and your hair is out of place, you do not go and comb the mirror.  Why?  It's because the mirror is a REFLECTION, not the real thing.  It's the same way with the world.  The world is a reflection.  You create the world from the inside out, not the other way. We mistakenly think the physical world is what determines our state of mind but it is really the opposite. Our thoughts create the physical world.

I want to talk to you for a moment about quantum physics. All it means is that the universe is governed by universal laws and these laws work all the time.  For example, if I drop a pen, it will always fall downward toward the floor.  Gravity always works.  Werner Von Braun, the father of space travel, said the laws of the universe are so precise, you can figure out how to land a space craft at precisely the correct moment.

Another law of the universe that always works is the Law of Attraction. I’m sure all you by this time have heard of “The Secret”.  It was on Oprah and she has done two shows on The Law of Attraction. In simple terms, we attract to us what we think, what we feel.  In other words, we attract to us a match for our vibration. As we enter a room, our energy goes in before us. Just like you can feel someone else’s energy is the same way they can feel yours.

Your attraction meter is your feelings. Your inner voice speaks to you through your feelings. It says keep going when you are positive and your feelings are aligned with what you want, and when you are negative, and your feelings are not aligned with what you want, it says stop.

The law of attraction is:

Like attracts like.

Birds of a feather flock together.

Whatever you want, wants you.

What you sew, you reap.

What you put out you get back.

What goes around, comes around. (To Be Continued)

Swami Muktananda - My Teacher

I spent ten years in India studying and meditating with Swami "Baba" Muktananda. He was a great Guru and a great spiritual master.  I was one of of his first American disciples and I spent every day with him for 10 years.  People often ask me what I learned from that experience and I tell them a trip to San Francisco is an experience, but this was my life.  How I lived for all those years set the stage for all of it.  

I used to mediate 4 to 5 hours a day, work in the garden, live a simple life with a very dynamic, strict, loving, powerful guru that never let anything slip past him and was always one step or more ahead of me.  That is why I stayed - I couldn't fool him; he had my number. 

I had been mediatating for four years and I went to Baba and said, "I have been meditating for four years and I think that is enough. He looked at me and said, "Okay".  I thought that meant okay, I was done.  But to Baba it meant, "Okay, I heard you, and now go and sit back down.  So...I sat down and meditated for another four years. 

It was during those years that I realized the power of a quiet mind.  I teach all my clients how to mediate.  Here is a book by Baba called "Meditate" "Meditate", by Swami Muktananda

Rumi - The Poet of Divine Love and Ecstasy

If you haven't read Rumi, you are in for a treat. Rumi's passionate, playful poems find and celebrate scared life in everyday existence. They speak across all traditions, to all peoples:  Read Rumi and be transported inward to that vast expanse of love. Rumi's Love Poems

"This being human is a guest house.  Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and attend them all!  Even if they're a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably.  He may clearing you out for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.

Be grateful for whomever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.

Welcome difficulty.  Learn the alchemy True Human Beings know: the moment you accept what troubles you've been given, the door opens.

Welcome difficulty as a familiar comrade.  Joke with torment brought by the Friend.

Sorrows are the rags of old clothes and jackets that serve to cover, and then are taken off.  The undressing and the beautiful naked body underneath, is the sweetness that comes after grief."

Translated by Coleman Barks