Chandra Unplugged - No nonsense, Straight-up blogging from a Life Coach

Are You Afraid of Real Intimacy?

How to Discipline Your Child

1.   Differentiate between not liking the bad behavior and still loving the child.
   • This is the most important element in communicating with your child. Unless YOU know the difference between bad behavior and the essence of your child, you will never be able to let your child know that it is his bad behavior you don’t like and that you still like him.
   • Children instinctively know how you feel about them; be conscious of focusing on the specific behavior and not generalizing on everything that the child has ever done wrong.

2. If you fight, you must win. When children win, they do not respect you and they do not feel safe.
   • This is not a battle where you go into combat, child to child, but rather a general in charge of the troops.
   • Do not get defensive. To gain a child’s respect you must come from a place of confidence and set firm and decisive boundaries.

3. Children KNOW exactly how to divide parents and will go for the weakest link.
   • Children are uncanny when it comes to getting their way; they know exactly who will say yes and who will say no.
   • Unless parents are unified and support one another, there will always be conflict around disciplining children.
   • If you disagree with your partner’s assessment of the situation, discuss it privately, and if need be, make a new decision jointly.

4. Make sure your child knows the exact consequences of his/her bad behavior.
   • Never say, “If you do that again, you are going to be in big trouble.” No one knows what that really means and no one takes it seriously.
   • State specifically what the punishment will be and ask your child to repeat the consequences back to you. This way everyone will be on the same page.

5. Reinforce good behavior and discipline without anger and guilt.
   • If you are guilty or angry when you discipline, your position as the leader, the one in charge, is weakened. If you are frustrated, walk away until your energy is steady and positive. Disciplining from a frustrated place never works.
   • All good behavior needs to be recognized (just like bad behavior is pointed out.) Changing is never easy, so when we change, it always feels good when someone notices.

Are you constantly fighting with your child about discipline? If you are totally exhausted from parent/child battles that occur on a daily basis in your house, learn how to discipline with peace and dignity.

A Working Relationship with the Mind (cont.)

 What we need to understand is that when we tell ourselves one part of our life has nothing to do with the another part, we are rationalizing.  This is simply not the case.  We are trying to make sense out of something that feels totally out of control. We learn to compartmentalize, hoping this will take away some of the pressure but it creates more, rather than less, confusion. This is because as much as we attempt to partition our lives, the irrefutable truth is: we have one life, we have one heart. If we close ourselves down in one part of our life, we will automatically be closed in another.

It is very difficult to have a good work life when you feel closed and shut down in your personal relationship, and when your work life is stressful, how can it not affect your personal life?

As much as we try and separate the different aspects of our lives, thinking one part has nothing to do with the other, that is simply not the case. Every part affects every other part.  (Remember, you have only one heart. )

Another thing we need to understand is that our life is not any busier or more important than anyone else’s. We all have our stuff; none any better or worse than anyone else’s, just ours.

I have a client that asked me “Why is this happening to me?” I said, “Because what is happening to me is not happening to you. We all have our stuff. Mine is mine and yours is yours. What I have belongs to me and what you have belongs to you. And, if it doesn’t work, you need to change it.”

Critical here is not to think of yourself as a victim. We are not victims of an unmanageable life. It is not a random life handed to us that causes chaos and makes us frantic. We have created the life we have, and if it doesn’t make us feel good, give us a sense of peace, we need to change it.

The same way we take credit for the good things that happen to us is the same way we need to take responsibility for our problems at work and at home. We can’t just pick and chose what we want to take credit for.

And finally, we literally have to get tired of our story. You have to get really bored hearing yourself say the same things over and over. (Trust me, your family and friends get bored hearing the same story from you – they listen because they think they are supposed to listen.) So, only when you’re really bored with your story can the conscious process of change begin.

The reason we need to be responsible for the change is because things do not just automatically change for the better with the passage of time. Actually, if things aren’t going so good they usually get worse with the passage of time. That is because time is neutral; it does nothing but pass. Things that are good normally get better, but things that are bad, get worse over time.

The key here is for YOU to make a conscious choice to change and in order to do that you need to look at the problem from a new vantage point. Instead of looking to change this and that on the outside, you need to look to the mind, understanding it is the cause of what is happening.

Outside changes, whether changing jobs or relationships, will always produce problems. There is no way to avoid change; life is change. Remember, it is not what happens to you in life, but how you deal with it. And how you deal with it is a direct result of your mind.

A Working Relationship with the Mind (cont.)

I have a friend, a CEO of a large company, who kept saying he needed to slow it down. He wanted more time with his family, more time for himself. He was literally on a roller coaster from morning to night. And then…finally, after saying this for years and becoming more and more involved in a non-stop life, he had a heart attack.

He was young, in his late 40’s, but it stopped him. He was confined to bed rest for close to a month; not allowed to work. When I talked to him he told me he knew that was only way to change the collision course and although he was not happy about getting a heart attack, he knew it had saved his life.

You do not need to get a heart attack to get it.

Has your mind ever been going so fast you think you are going to explode? That you couldn’t possibly hold one more thought? When this happens to me - I actually sit down in the middle of the floor. I’ve done this for years and it works. It instantly stops all the craziness.

I don’t know whether plopping on the floor is so physically ridiculous

(I’ve been known to do this in full business attire) or sitting immediately centers you in your body and takes you out of your head. Either way, it stops a frantic mind and allows you to breathe.

For example, have you ever wondered why you feel rested in the morning after a night’s sleep? It’s not just because you put your body in the prone position. Do you know why you wake up and you feel peaceful and calm? This is because the mind has been at rest. In the morning, the mind is clear and clean and ready to receive as well as to process new information.

When you have so many thoughts in your mind, there is not room to receive any new information. Simply from a physics point of view, when the mind is going so fast and is so chaotic, even if new great information were coming your way, the mind’s franticness would push it away.

What actually happens is a game of the ego. We think we are our thoughts. We pull the thoughts to us we like – “Chandra really looks beautiful today” and we push the ones away from us we don’t like – “So and so said something nasty about Chandra.”

Pulling the thoughts to us we like and pushing the ones we don’t like away from us – this is what creates a frantic mind. So, when the mind is frantic, it is on overload, and we need to stop. Stopping, when we are overwhelmed is the first step to a clear mind. Instead of cranking it up (what we usually do), we need to slow it down.

Don’t get confused with what feels natural. What feels natural is being frantic. The more frantic we feel, the more frantic we become. This is naturally what happens, as this is the way we have been doing things for a long, long time. To do things differently and have a different result; we need to do something that doesn’t feel natural.

Sitting down in the middle of the floor is not what you usually do, but it will stop the constant chatter instantly. At least we have a starting point…

(to be continued)

1st Edition - Avenue of Authenticity

 

Welcome to Avenue of Authenticity. I’d like to thank all of you who participated in this month’s carnival and look forward to many more.

This edition explores the following topics:  Do you know how to be intimate? Do you have a healthy relationship? Can you recognize the signs of a dysfunctional relationship?  Do you know how to listen and be non-judgemental?  Can you be friends as well as lovers?  Can your relationship survive an affair?  Are you compassionate and supportive?

Dr. Lorraine Cohen presents How You Can Support Someone With Compassionate Detachment

posted at Powerfull Living.   Supporting people through compassionate detachment is a loving way to be of service to them. Learn why.

Kim Wiederholt presents 7 Red Flags You Should Not Ignore In a Relationship posted at cafeGAB.  Learning to identify - and not ignore - the red flags in a relationship is the best way to avoid disappointment and heartbreak.

Chris Edgar presents Assumption-Free Conversation posted at Purpose Power Coaching.   Chris says, “I've found that a great way to deeply connect with people is to refuse to make assumptions about the way they experience the world. As I describe in this article, I ask them about their experience of life—their emotions, aspirations, defining moments, and so forth. When we give up our assumptions about how others see the world, and actually start asking them about their experience, we can interact with them on a more profound level than we may have explored before.”

Kathleen Gage presents Can you avoid complaining for 24 hours? posted at Daily Awareness.  Kathleen says, “Being driven by traditional definitions, we can often lose site of the spiritual aspects of achievement. Things such as joy, happiness, love, doing for others, being in service and looking at what is right rather than what is wrong in any given situation. Often when we talk of achievement we equate it with outward evidence such as awards, money, fame, recognition and status. In reality, you can have all of that but if you do not feel complete inside, what do you really have? Learn a simple strategy to bring more completeness to your life."

Is your lover your best friend? Learn why friendships are the hardest relationships to maintain.  Grace presents The hardest relationship posted at Face to the Sun.

"When neediness rears its ugly head, it can cause people to run the other direction.  Love based on neediness usually doesn't come from a healthy place and can often lead to behavior that ends up smothering relationship. "  Anand presents Neediness in Relationships posted at Anand Dhillon's Self-Help Blog.

"Somewhere out there in the world is the perfect person for you. Someone who will love you unconditionally, and meet all your needs, and shower you with love. Are you ready to meet that person?" Kara-Leah Grant presents How to find true love | Prana Flow NZ posted at Prana Flow NZ.

Learn why some people choose divorce after infidelity.  Surviving infidelity presents Why Some People Choose Divorce After Infidelity posted at Infidelity.

"Fighting is not a bad thing. It can bring a couple closer together if both the head and heart are engaged. If you work at it, conflict can keep your relationship intact and help it grow stronger. And then you both win." Grace presents Obliterate these 8 myths of fighting fair posted at Face to the Sun

Submit your blog article to the next edition of avenue of authenticity using our carnival submission form. Past posts and future hosts can be found on our blog carnival index page.

A Working Relationship with The Mind (cont.)

 Quieting the mind does not mean that we anesthetize ourselves. (I am not taking about a zombie-like state. If we want to do that, we can take drugs.) It also doesn’t mean we don’t have thoughts or things to do, but rather that we are not held hostage by those thoughts.

What this means is that we do not feel compelled to chase after every thought that pops into our minds and we get to actually pick and choose what thoughts we want to pay attention to. Up until this point, everywhere the mind goes, we go. The mind is leading us around and we willingly follow. The tail is wagging the dog; the dog is not wagging the tail.

How many of you answer the phone very time it rings? Most people feel that when a phone rings they must answer it. But what does a phone ringing really have to do with you and your life? Really nothing. Also a phone that doesn’t ring – what difference does it make? Do we feel unloved when the phone doesn’t ring? And yet, most of us feel when the phone rings we must answer it.

What if I were to tell you that the nature of a phone is to ring – that is what it does – phones ring – just like the nature of the mind is to have thoughts. You do not have to answer the phone every time it rings and you do not have to chase every thought you have. A phone rings, a mind has thoughts, - that’s the nature of things.

What happens is that when we feel compelled to answer the phone every time it rings and chase every thought we have, we will absolutely be on overload and never get anything done. In other words, we will not be able to focus, not be able to complete one task before being distracted and heading off in another direction.

So, the first step is to recognize that we are on overload. Rather than do more, we need to do less. When our work feels unmanageable, we need to stop.

If you keep pushing past this point, you will continue to feel even more overwhelmed MORE STRESSED OUT!

This is when you get sick, have arguments, make mistakes at work, have a fender bender. You begin to get little signs and signals from the universe, telling you to slow down, and if you don’t listen, the universe keeps upping the ante until you get it. (To be continued.)

PS. This Wed., Oct. 15^th is Blog Carnival . On Oct. 20^th, A Working Relationship with the The Mind will continue.

A Working Relationship with The Mind (cont.)

 Let’s just spend a minute and talk about energy and how it works. This is not Chandra’s airy fairy theory on energy but real physics; the stuff Einstein talked about.

Everything moves; nothing stays static. That means that the more times we do something the more critical mass it gains and the faster it moves. So, if we are doing something that doesn’t work and we keep doing it, it gains critical mass and speed; that is, it begins to have a life of its own. For example, if you are continually having a communication problem with your customer or client and constantly feel uptight and you do not address this in a healthy way and change the way you are doing this, this problem will continue to get worse.

When this happens, we get sick, don’t return the phone call, have an argument, lose the contract or worse yet, blame someone else for our misery and end up being a victim.

Instead of looking at someone else, the first place we need to look is at ourselves, the relationship we have with our self, and that ultimately is the relationship we have with our mind. Unless we understand the nature of the mind and how the mind is an integral part and root cause of everything we can never make changes that bring new results.

We need to quiet the mind. What this really means is we need to stop the incessant chatter that never gives us a moment’s peace and creates constant stress in our lives. Said another way – When you have a mind that never stops, you have a stressful life! (To be continued)

A Working Relationship with The Mind

I am going to approach doing good business from a little bit different perspective.  I am going to talk to you about the relationship you have with your mind and how the state of your mind affects every business decision you make.  Unless you have a good mind you will never be able to succeed and keep growing your business.   When I talk about business what I ultimately mean is making more and more money at what you do and feeling good while you’re doing it.

Being able to focus, to really listen, to be creative, to be open to new opportunities, to form solid and respectful relationships is an art, and unless the mind is strong and steady, you will always fall short of your goals.  So….by entering this process through the back door, we are going to look at the foundation and underpinnings of what it takes to create good relationships and good business.

Personally, I have gone to many seminars over the years on time management, on improving corporate relationships, on being more productive and organized, etc. and I don’t think at this point there are too many more methods we can hear that we have not heard before.   We come back from one of these talks, make another list and set another goal, and in truth we are no closer to improving our work situation and how we feel every day.

This is because for things to change we need to change the hard wiring.  Each one of us is hard-wired.  That means that because of our stuff – and each of us has stuff – after awhile, we are programmed to react certain ways.  What this means is that we do most things on automatic and this automatic way is the way each one of us is hardwired.  One button is pushed and that automatically takes us to the next button.

Have you ever just been going to one direction – either in work or a relationship, and something happens or someone says something, and all of a sudden, you’re upset?  A button is pushed and that button may or may not have anything to do with what is actually going on at the moment.  The next thing we do is lash out at the other person who is totally clueless as to what is going on, and yet for us it feels very real and very personal. 

 Now it’s okay to do things on automatic – if they work for you and make you feel good - but if they don’t work, you’d be foolish to keep doing things the same old way. …but this is precisely what most of us do. 

So…the key is to change the underpinnings (the hard-wiring) not just slap some new method on the top.  Because unless the underpinnings, the foundation of what we are doing changes, we will once again be sucked back into the old way of doing things.   That’s because hardwiring has critical mass and momentum and will greatly outweigh anything we initially put on top of it.  (to be continued).

Real Relationships

Everyone wants a real relationship; we all want the real deal. Even if we’ve never had it, we know what it is.  How do we know what it is?  It is our true Self, our true nature.  A real relationship is a fit; a resonance.

 

Now contrary to a popular belief, you can’t work on relationships – all you work on is your Self.  When couples come to see me, I see them together once, but then see them separately.  Seeing couples together is usually about compromise.  But compromise only works with whether or not you want Italian or Chinese, a red chair or a green chair; it doesn’t work with heart feelings.  When you compromise on your essence you build resentment, so unless you know how to really take care of yourself, and most people don’t,  a lot of couples spent a lot of time being resentful.

Working on your Self in a relationship is the only way to insure you are going to be okay.   

A relationship is nothing more than the dynamic between two people.  If both parties are dysfunctional, the relationship is dysfunctional.  If both people are healthy, the relationship is healthy.

 

Real relationships result naturally from authenticity.  It is only when you are connected to the core of who you really are that you are able to have a real relationship.  Loving is really an introspective process: only when you know and love your Self, only then, can you love another.

 

Being intimate with your Self allows you to be intimate with another person.  If you don’t like who you are you will never allow another person to get to close to you.  As your partner moves close,  you will do something to push him away.  This is called the dance of intimacy.  Move close, pull apart.  Get some breathing room, move back together again.  It is tedious and tiresome.

So… how do we stop this nonsense?

 

We have always focused on the other person, looking for that person to fill us and make us feel loved.  We come to them – this big empty vessel – and say “Fill me”.  And then when we don’t get filled, we blame them, feel rejected, and leave.  As long as we look outside ourselves for love, we will never have real relationships.  If we want to bring love in our lives, we must first be love.

 

Being authentic is a process that happens over a lifetime and simultaneously takes place in the moment.  It is based on the choices we make: whether we choose to stay awake or go to sleep or whether we face our fears or run to the safety of what we already know.  The way to authenticity requires a certain fearlessness.  You have to be willingly to look at things differently and then, do it differently.