Chandra Unplugged - No nonsense, Straight-up blogging from a Life Coach

Talking Your Relationship to Death

Are you killing your relationship by constantly talking about it?  If you’re talking your relationship to death, learn how to stop talking about your life and start living it.

1. Constant discussion is an addiction.  This has nothing to do with the relationship.
   • Constantly talking about the relationship becomes a substitute for actually living one. 
   • Constant discussion is an addiction and keeps you anesthetized.  When you stay focused in your head, rather than your heart, you are always one step away from connecting. 

2. Stop calling family and friends to gain consensus for your point of view.
   • Are you doing this?  Be really honest with yourself.  When you are always giving your point of view and have the need for someone to agree with you, this has nothing to do with feeling right and all to do with wanting to be right.
   • Gaining consensus for your point of view is all about the ego.  The truth is you feel bad and are looking for the person on the other end of the phone to make you feel good.  This is simply a momentary high and will not last very long before you have to pick up the phone and call someone else.

3. Do you feel rejected if you do not get the answer you want from your partner?
   • Is it okay to discuss differing points of view and not be invested in getting the other person to see it your way?  Can you be with someone who sees it differently than you do?
   • This does not mean you put up with behavior that is disrespectful or objectionable, but rather that you do not “try” and change someone else.
   • People change because they want to change.  Simple express how you feel and see what the other person does.

4. Do you need to know where your partner is all the time?
   • Constant “relationship” talk is always about insecurity and often results in having to know where your partner is at every minute. This behavior is very unattractive and ultimately will destroy the relationship.

5. Do you get anxious when you think of being alone?
   • If you cannot be alone, cannot enjoy your own company, you can never have a healthy relationship. 

"Getting It" - The Art Of Creating

Everyone knows that” Getting It” is a good thing, but what does it really mean and how do we go about doing it.

1. Take full responsibility for creating your life.  Stop blaming others.
   • This is the big one and unless you totally get this concept you cannot create a good life for yourself.
   • When you do not take full responsibility for your life, you end up in a state of victim consciousness where you have no power.
   • Taking responsibility for it all – regardless of why it happened – gives you back your power so that you can create a good life going forward.

2. Change your behavior, don’t just think about it.
   • There are many ways you can “understand” something, and understanding something intellectually will never go the distance.
   • What you understand in your mind must be integrated on a feeling level and the only way to do that is to put into ACTION what you have realized intellectually.
   • If you do not actually change your behavior, to reflect your new understanding, nothing will change.

3. Put discipline in your life – postpone immediate gratification of needs.
   • Talking about changing behavior is easy; actually changing behavior is very difficult. 
   • We become very anxious when we change behavior even though the old way of doing things has made us miserable.  The old way is the familiar way, and although it is dysfunctional, we are comfortable doing it because we know how to.
   • You have to be very brave to do it a new way and to bear the anxiety of making a change.  If you cannot do this, you will never change.

4. Stop complaining – it’s unattractive.
   • There is nothing worse than complaining.  Zip it and step up.  No one can do it for you except for you.

5. When you make good choices, you create a good life.
   • We create our life moment by moment by the choices we make.  Every choice builds on the choice before and all these choices strung together create a life.
   • If you do not like what you have created, you can make new choices at any time.  Over a period of time, by making new choices, you will have a new life.  Welcome to the art of creating!!

Do You Know How To Communicate?

Everyone agrees that good communication is the foundation of all relationships, but how do you begin to relate differently if you’ve never been taught a more effective way to communicate?  Here is a new way to deliver and receive information that feels good and brings positive results. 

1. Say how you feel, rather than talking about what is wrong with the other person.
   • The emphasis is on YOU – talk about yourself. 
   • Be conscious of only talking about your feelings.
   • The minute you talk about the other person, that person gets defensive and cannot hear you.  When you say how you feel, the lines of communication stay open.

2. Set a timer and take turns talking.
   • The best way to learn how to properly communicate is to set a timer.  One person talks for three minutes without interruption and then the other person talks.  Do this three times, alternating with each person talking for three minutes. 
   • This method allows each person to talk AND listen to the other, giving the other complete attention.  Most of the time when we have a disagreement, everyone ends up talking at the same time.  This allows for a complete exchange of information without frustrations or defensiveness getting in the way.

3. When the other person is talking, do not think about what you are going to say next.
   • The timer method guarantees that you will get your chance to talk – so don’t get nervous and pay attention. 
   • This is an opportunity to really listen to what your partner is saying.
   • Real listening takes place when you are not thinking of what you are going to say next. 
   • Can you suspend judgment and just listen?  If so, you might just hear something you have never heard before.

4. Be concerned about “feeling right” rather than “being right”.
   • After all, isn’t the idea of all communication to have a connection?  What is the point of being “right” and feeling completely disconnected from your partner? 
   • Keep asking yourself, “How do I feel?”  If you feel hard and defensive, you are actually pushing the other person away.  Take a deep breath, and surrender to the moment, and listen only.

5. All feelings are valid even if you disagree with them.
   • What is wrong with someone having a different feeling than you have?  We are all different.  As long as a person’s feeling does not result in action that is harmful to another, different feelings are what make us interesting.

Compromise or Authenticity

Do you think compromise is the solution for a troubled relationship?  If your friends, family and therapist are telling you that compromise is the key to a successful relationship, it’s important to understand that authenticity, not compromise, is the foundation of all solid relationships.

1. Compromise is useful for deciding dining or entertainment; not for what nourishes your soul.
   • Chinese or Italian?  A hockey game or a movie?  These are the things we need to compromise on. 
   • When you compromise on being real that is the kind of compromise that hurts you and hurts the relationship. 

2. You can’t be for someone else what you do not want to be for yourself.
   • When you “compromise” on things that make you feel bad about yourself, that is a bad compromise. 
   • Compromise means that you are willing to do something you initially do not want to do, and that you are not going to be resentful. 
   • If you are resentful, that is a good indication that the compromise in you did not come from a clean place.

3. What is in darkness always comes to light – don’t hide your feelings to get love.
   • Often we do not say how we really feel and tell ourselves it is best to “compromise”.  But when you deny your true feelings and you compromise, you will always feel resentful.
   • What does not come out one way will find another way.  I have a friend that used to call this “strange outcroppings”.  She'd say, You push it down over there, and it pops up over here.”

4. Over time, “compromise” builds resentment.  Be real, be brave.
   • It takes real bravery to have a great life and a good relationship.
   • Bravery is difficult and requires that you dig down deep into the core of your being to muster fearlessness.
   • To access bravery you must be willing to deal with the anxiety that comes from digging deeper.

5. Listen to your inner voice – it has your best interests at heart.
   • Your inner voice will let you know what is going on.  It will tell you whether your ego is holding on to having it your way, or whether you can let go with grace and ease and compromise, because it does not always have to be about you.

Drinking Too Much Wine?

Addictions are funny things.  We know gambling is an addiction but what about drinking wine?  How many glasses constitute an addiction?  Do you tell yourself that it is okay to “unwind” by drinking a bottle of wine every night?  If your idea of “relaxing” is drinking four glasses of wine before bedtime, learn why alcohol addiction takes many different forms.

1. Is nightly drinking a ritual and something you look forward to?
   • Be honest.  Do you wait for five o’clock?  Can you go more than one night without drinking? 
   • There is something soothing about rituals.  They create the addiction as well as the actual substance – wine. 

2. Do you drink by yourself or keep your drinking secret?
   • Would you feel comfortable telling another person how much you drink every night? 
   • We know what is excessive, what is too much.  If we keep that hidden, we are only fooling ourselves.

3. Daily drinking anesthetizes you.  You must “feel” to have a good life.
   • You must feel to heal and you cannot feel if you are zoned-out.  Zoned out means you have gotten the buzz; you are anesthetized 

4. Psychological addiction is harder to break than physical addiction.
   • We can break the physical addiction of drinking everyday, but if we do not get to the root cause of the addiction, we will just transfer that addiction to another one.
   • That is why one addiction is the same as another.
   • If you do not feel your way to understanding your addiction, you will simply transfer your wine addiction to a shopping addiction.

5. Go to AA or get professional help – getting help is a sign of strength.
   • We all need help in breaking an addiction and a place to be accountable. 

Are You Being Cheated On?

Are you being cheated on?  If you’re having trouble leaving a destructive relationship even though you know your partner is cheating on you, learn why being brutally honest with yourself is your first priority.

1. Cheating is not really about sex – it is a betrayal of love, of friendship.
   • We often think of cheating as a sexual issue but it is really a character issue.  This is why it is so hurtful.  There is a basic unkindness to only thinking about yourself and what you want, a betrayal of the bonds of friendship. 
   • Even if you have grown apart over the years, your partner has as much right as you to make decisions based on accurate information.
   • If you no longer want to be in a monogamous relationship, are not getting your needs met for whatever reason, you are obligated to tell the other person.  This is the decent and right thing to do.

2. Has your partner accepted complete responsibility for this? – If not, leave.
   • There are NO excuses for cheating.  Even if you have been is a “sexless” relationship for a long time, talked to your mate about this, and still nothing has changed – it is still not okay to cheat.
   • The only possibility to heal a “cheating” relationship is when the person who has cheated accepts full responsibility, with NO EXCUSES.  Unless this happens, the lesson is never learned.

3. You have to decide if you want to forgive. – Only then is healing possible.
   • If you truly feel your partner is repentant, has learned the lesson, and this will never happen again.
   • There is no way to move forward unless you find a soft spot in your heart where you can forgive.

4. If you know you should leave and don’t – what are the payoffs?
   • If you know the relationship is irretrievably broken and you stay anyway, because you are afraid to go, ask yourself if the payoffs are really worth it.
   • Expect to be cheated on again.

5. Taking care of your Self is the same as loving yourself.
   • If you don’t love your Self, how can anyone else?

What Does "loving your Self" mean?

We often hear the phrase “You can’t love anyone else until you love yourself” but what does “Loving yourself “really mean?   Only when you know and love yourself are you ready for real loving.

1. Loving yourself means taking care of your SELF.
   • A client once asked me. “I know this probably seems obvious, but what does “loving yourself” mean in real life?”  I loved the question because it is not as obvious as it sounds. 
   • Loving your “Self” means that you know how to take care of your Self.   It means that you take responsibility for your well-being and happiness and figure out what you need to feel good. 
   • Taking care of your Self applies to both your physical and emotional self – You become your own caring, loving parent.

2. No one can fill that emptiness inside you - except for you. Do not look to someone else to fill that “hole”.
   • If you are born a human, you will have a human struggle, and that struggle is about filling that emptiness inside.  Every one of us deals with that emptiness and we are all faced with making peace with the process.
   • When you expect someone else to make you happy, you are projecting your feelings of incompleteness on another and this will never work.  Only you and you alone, can heal your Self.

3. You attract to you who you really are – this is always accurate.
   • Who we really are is stronger than what we say we want.  Look at whom you are attracting and take responsibility for that “pull”.  Perhaps there’s a lesson that needs to be learned.

4. Ask yourself “What makes me feel good?  What do I like?” You need to like yourself before you can love yourself.
   • Figuring out what makes us feel good is a lifetime process.  In order to do this, we cannot care what anyone else thinks and need to quiet all those other voices in our head other than our own. 
   • In order to do this, the mind must be quiet.  If your mind is always going, always frantic, you will never be able to figure out who YOU are.
   • Eliminate the words “should” and “ought” from your vocabulary.  (When we   say we “should” do something, it is usually the opposite of what we really feel like doing.)

Bored With Your Story? Time To Change.

There is nothing worse than hearing the same old story over and over again, and yet most of us have no trouble repeating our story. For some reason, we think our tale of woe is different and proceed to share the intimate details with all who will listen. We are oblivious to the blank stares and veiled yawns, and talk long after all interest has waned.

Friends and family mistakenly think they are providing a valuable service when they sit hour after hour feigning interest in what we have to say. They think this is what they are supposed to do, even though they have long since tired of hearing the same litany. They give us similar suggestions over and over again and in the process commiserate with our plight. The pattern is set for talks that go nowhere into the night.

So we keep on talking because no one tells us to be quiet.

One day, telling our story, we actually hear the words. What once had drama and seriousness now sounds narcissistic and funny. A crucial shift has taken place—we have gone from being victims to assuming responsibility for whatever happens in our lives. This change has allowed us to truly hear our words for the first time.

Listening, we hear repetitive themes and familiar complaints. Initially we thought it was okay because the names, places, and faces were different. But if we are honest with ourselves, we know the truth—it is really the same old story. Nothing has changed.

Finally, we are bored.

So bored, we don’t even bother to create a new story. We realize that they are all basically the same—none any better or worse than the other—just mine is mine and yours is yours.

The simplicity of our realization is astounding. Not realizing that we were carrying around tons of garbage, we suddenly feel lighter. We take a moment to remember all the friends who sat through countless hours listening to this stuff, and we smile.  Would we do it for someone else? I don’t think so.

Having let go of the drama, we embrace the adventure.

(From Reality Works, Let It Happen)

Living Your Truth

     How we live our experience of Truth determines our authenticity.  We may have had an epiphany, a glimpse of how things really are, and intellectually we “get it”, but can we put it into practice?  Can we bring it back into life and can we “be” what we know.  The process of coming out of our heads and into out hearts into the present moment, is the path toward authenticity. 

     You cannot think your way to authenticity – you must feel it. And in order to feel, the mind must be quiet.  When the mind is quiet, the heart opens and finally we are able to sit squarely in the middle of our life, to feel it, rather than think about it.  If the mind never stops, you can never be authentic.  When the mind is frantic, you hear all those voices in your head other than your own.  To hear your own voice, to live your own life – not the life of your mother, your father, your partner, your boss – all the other voices have to stop.  This is the process, the path to authenticity. 

     The more real you become the more potent your energy becomes; people pick it up; you radiate.  A person’s energy is the vibration of their consciousness. 

     But being authentic takes work.  It’s not just kicking back and saying “I’m’ just gonna be myself and I’m just gonna let it rip.”  The price of authenticity is awareness.  And awareness is consciousness in action. Being conscious means you have to be willing to stay awake when often it’s a whole lot easier to go to sleep.  This is big stuff and not for the weak at heart.  A lot of folks talk the talk but how many walk the walk?  To be true to your Self, at the deepest level, this is the work of a lifetime.