Dreading Family Gatherings?

Do you dread family gatherings?  If you have a meddling mother-in-law that is constantly critical or a father-in-law that drinks too much and is bigoted, you are most probably anxious at family functions.  Learn the best way to deal with these problems before, during and after dinner.

1. Potential problems need to be addressed and discussed BEFORE everyone shows up.
   • If you are dreading a family gathering it is because you are feeling things that need to be addressed and you are avoiding them.
   • Focusing on negative feelings actually brings those things to you.  What we focus on grows!
   • BEFORE anyone shows up, you need to be clear and not confused.

2. Partners need to support one another and be very clear about priorities.
   • This is very important.  Unless partners are aligned, the rule of the day is “divide and conquer.”
   • A boundary set by two is always more powerful than one set by one.

3. Abusive behavior is never acceptable, regardless of the situation.  Immediately set boundaries.
   • Never excuse abusive behavior.  Any behavior that diminishes another person, whether that is verbal or emotional, needs to be stopped immediately. 
   • Do not say things to excuse abusive behavior like, “Oh, it’s just my father, he doesn’t really mean it”.  He does really mean it or else he wouldn’t have said it or at the least, he would have apologized.

4. You have as much right to state your opinion, as does anyone else.  Speak up.
   • So often we say nothing because we do not want to cause a scene.  But there is a way to speak in a very decisive, non-confrontational way that lets another person know what they have just said is unacceptable.
   • Not saying anything – when you know another person is being abusive – means you are being abused as well.
   • Abusive or inappropriate behavior makes us want to back away, clam up, retreat. 

5. Just because you allowed something to happen once, does not mean it has to happen again.
   • Every moment is an opportunity to do it right.  Just because you allowed this behavior once before does not mean you need to allow it again. 
   • Over time, hopefully, we learn how to better take care of ourselves.  Stopping abusive controlling behavior is a sign we are learning to love ourselves.

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[JHS]

Thanks for participating in this week's Carnival of Family Life (www dot jhsiess dot com) by contributing this post! The Carnival is at ice cream is not for breakfast (kidnutrition dot lohudblogs dot com) this week and will be live on Monday, May 19, 2008, so drop by and check out some of the other excellent articles included in this edition!