Chandra Unplugged - No nonsense, Straight-up blogging from a Life Coach

What Interests Me

I admit it.  It's hard to hold my interest.  It's not that I don't want to be interested, I do, it's just not that easy to capture my attention.  That does not mean that I am not present, I am - all it means is that I am very clear about what resonates as true for me and if it doesn't, I'm simply not interested. 

If truth be told I am dying to be interested.  One of the reasons I don't go to many social functions is that I can't bear to listen to the chatter.  I always go with the hope that somehow someone will engage me with their presence and authenticity and I will enjoy myself, but more times than not, I am quickly looking for the back door for a quick escape.  I don't need much - just someone, anyone, who is paying attention, present, conscious.

Don't get the wrong idea.  There aren't specific subjects that interest me and those are the only things I want to talk about; far from it.  When someone interests me, I am interested in everything they have to say!

So...what am I talking about here?  There is a state of being that is always interesting.  It is the opposite of being self-absorbed, the opposite of having an agenda; it is the ability to be present, to want to feel right rather than be right, and the desire to truly connect.  It involves listening and paying attention and the moment that it happens, you can feel it.

Connections are what interest me.  And as far as subjects are concerned there are million of them and more to come.  I always find it amazing how uninteresting a great subject can be in the hands of a self-absorbed, unconscious person.  And I always get a kick out of myself - how little I care about proving my point when when I am heard and when I get a glimpse of who someone really is.

One of the things that happens when I feel someone is listening to me is that I start to like that person and look forward to another conversation.  I find myself thinking about that person, remembering the feeling, and wanting to talk again. I end up really not caring whether they agree with me or not - all I care about is the connection; that I feel closer at the end of the conversation than at the beginning. 

Being connected to how I feel and feeling good - that's what interests me.

 

The Art of Listening

Nothing is more difficult than really listening.  Most people think they listen, but all they really do is hear sounds.  Listening is not just something that happens; you need to be awake and aware to listen, you need to be conscious.

When you truly listen, you get more than the actual words, you get the gestalt.  A gestalt means that that whole is greater than the sum of its parts, so when you actively listen, you hear the words and those words translate into a feeling; you can actually "feel" the other person. 

Most interchanges are about talking, getting our point across.  When the other person talks, we are thinking about what we want to say next.  We have an agenda and we stick to it no matter what we hear.  And we really don't hear anyway.  We hear sounds, but we don't really listen because we are too busy waiting for the other person to stop talking so we can make our point.

In my practice, I often give couples an exercise so they can practice listening to one another.  I have them use a timer and set it for 3 minute intervals.  One person gets to talk for three minutes and the other person just has to listen, saying nothing, knowing that when the timer goes off,they will get to talk for three uninterrupted minutes as well.  Going back and forth several times, both parties relax, knowing they will get to talk and listen and everyone will have his turn.  If you are always jockeying for position, can't wait to say what you have to say - you are NOT listening.

Listening takes place in the present moment.  Unless you have the ability to be present, you can never hear what someone else has to say.  When you are always thinking of what you want to say, the energy is always in the past or the future, never in the present moment, and the energy is in your head.  In order to listen - to be open to hearing and feeling another person - you must drop your agenda, forget for the moment what you want to say, step into the present moment, and watch as the energy settles in the heart area.  As the mind stops racing, the heart opens; now you are ready to listen. 

One of the ways to know that you are not listening is if your goal is to make your point and to be right.  Listening has no goal; it open-ended, without an agenda.  When you actively listen, you are open to "finding" out something about another that you did not know before and in the process, finding out something about yourself. 

Listening is a process of discovery that is about connecting rather than being right.  Even when you listen and you do not agree, it does not matter - you still feel good.  Something special happens on a gut level when we put our ego aside, surrender to the present moment, and "hear" another person.  Nothing is more loving than listening. 

Do you know how to listen? 

The Space To Choose

Most of us go through life in a blur, a haze, and have no idea how we got to where we are at this moment.  Our life seems like something that has happened to us, rather than something we have made happen.  When we finally stop and look it is often too late; we are smack dab in the middle of a life we have no real connection to.  Sure, we feel the pain, often the regret, but still we have no idea how we really got there, and more importantly, how to have something different.

Until you understand how things manifest on the physical plane, you will never be able to create the life you want.  Things may appear to just happen but that is because for now that is all you are able to "see".  Seeing has many different levels, and unless you are able to see to the core, connect to the underpinnings, you will never be able to consciously and actively participate in the creation of your life. 

There is a Sanskrit word called "paaca" - it means ripe, but in truth means, ready to come to fruition.  We often hear the phrase, "When you plant a seed, fruit will fall from the tree," and "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear."  Intrinsic in grasping these statements is the understanding that for things to come to fruition there must first be a foundation, a preparation, a body of choices and actions that is moving us in a new direction.  In other words, you don't just wake up one morning with a new house, a new relationship, a new job or a new life.  The ONLY way to create something you want, is to do the work, and the work takes focus and persistence.  It is never about wishing or hoping, but only about doing.  And you have to have that ahh haa moment where you realize YOU, and only you, are responsible for the life you have.  If you want something different, get cracking and create it.  

The physical plane is the last place your choices become manifest and yet often, the only place we are able to realize what we are doing even though this process has been going on for a long time.  By the time something manifests on the physical plane, we have made many choices and behaved in various ways to insure the results we are getting. 

Our thoughts and feelings, plus our actions, eventually create critical mass and at some point we have a new job as that job then manifests on the physical plane.   Although we are unemployed on Tuesday and have a new job on Wednesday that does not mean it took one day to get a new job.  Getting a good job - one that makes us feel good about ourselves - did not happen overnight.  Setting boundaries in our current job,  being brave enough to change dysfunctional self-sabotaging behavior, taking full responsibility for what we have previously created and knowing we can create something else, that is the work of consciousness. 

Choosing differently requires a wake-up call.  You need to be aware and have the ability to be in the present moment.  You need to stop and NOT react immediately, but rather step back and re-evaluate.  There needs to be a SPACE between your feelings and your action and you need to CHOOSE what you want to do next.  If the mind is going non-stop all the time, you will not be able to stop long enough to stand back and observe what is going on to make a choice that is in your best interests.

Most people are slaves to their ego (feelings that make you feel good or bad about yourself) and instantly react without understanding the consequences of their actions.  Every thing you do has an action (energy) attached to it, and you will bear the results of the choices you make.   

So..listen up and wake-up.  Look honestly at your life.  If you don't like what you've got, now is the time to go in a new direction.  Just like you have your life today based on the choices you have made in the past, is the same way you will have a new life when you make new choices.  Creating is part of the human journey; one the main lessons we need to learn in this lifetime.

Putting Reciprocity in Relationships

It's hard to be human and not have relationships.  Relationships are connections and whether they are healthy or dysfunctional they remind us again and again of what it is to be human. 

We often think we can work on relationships, but relationships are simply the result of two people connecting and the energy that flows between them.  So if your relationship is not what you would like it to be, the only thing you can work on is yourself. 

Having good relationships is an art and if you do not know the proper ingredients to put into a relationship, you will not have good ones.  Most people start a relationship "hoping" all will go well and then are surprised when it doesn't.  That's because if you do not know what you want to create, you end up with whatever the universe throws at you.  For example, when you go into a restaurant you don't just say "I'm hungry - Give me whatever you have."  You ask for something specific.  You say, "I want french fries well-done and a hamburger medium rare."  And when the food comes and it is not what you ordered, you send it back.  This is what needs to happen when you are creating a relationship.  

Nothing is more fulfilling than relationships that have reciprocity.  I do not mean tit for tat but rather in the interchange, both parties feel they are giving and getting what they need.  This manifests as relationships that are respectful, caring and kind.  You cannot have a loving relationship unless you are loving.  If you are keeping score, waiting for the other person to do it first, protecting yourself by keeping your heart closed, you will never have open loving relationships where you feel valued and cherished. 

When you feel resentful in a relationship, that's because there is no reciprocity.  Resentment is really anger and anger is sadness turned upside down.  We are sad when our relationships are lacking for we all want so much to love and be loved.  Feeling resentful needs to be our barometer; an inner meter that lets us know we need to fine tune or risk closing our heart. 

When you stay in relationships that do not nourish your soul, you pay a high price and the cost of that is your spirit, your authenticity, your openness.  You cannot love unless your heart is open.  Remember, a closed heart affects every part of life, not just your immediate relationship.  If you close your heart to pain, you also close it to joy, to life.  Only when you know how to take care of yourself (same as loving yourself), only then can you create healthy relationships.

Generosity of Spirit! Do You Have It?

In order to get the meaning of "generosity of spirit" it is important to understand what magnanimous means. Magnanimous means generous, high-minded, fair, noble, big and worthy and is the first essential ingredient in grasping the gist of this multi-layered concept.  What differentiates generosity of spirit from magnanimity is that it is not a one time feeling, but a state of being.  To extend to others, to want for others, the same things you want for yourself, is what generosity of spirit is all about.  

Something happens when you take total responsibility for your life and stop blaming others and circumstances for your problems: ("I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.") When you step up, you know you are always in the right place at the right time even though that place may be fraught with fear and difficulties.  Navigating these grueling and emotional junctures in life, that is, dealing with previously stuffed feelings in order to move to a new place, takes great bravery.  It is not easy to stay and face your fears when it is a whole lot easier to run.  Standing squarely in the middle of your life and claiming all of it - not just the parts you like - keeps you connected to your humanity and what it takes to live a human existence.  All of a sudden, there is a new level of acceptance that was previously missing; a heightened sense of self-esteem an self-respect. 

This sense of Self is accompanied by a feeling of compassion.  Connecting to your soft underbelly takes great courage and persistence, and you have great compassion for anyone who is willing to stay in that place.  Compassion is a natural off-shoot of consciousness and awareness, so connecting to your own humanity connects you intimately to others.   

When you KNOW what it takes to live a conscious life, you have the utmost respect for anyone who even attempts it, let alone succeeds.  You find yourself rooting for anyone who is willing to do the work. There is something noble in the human struggle; you can feel that with every breathe you take, so you make yourself available to assist in any way possible. 

This feeling is generosity of spirit is an open-heartedness that is free flowing and touches anyone who can feel it.  It is devoid of manipulation, the opposite of tit for tat, and has no strings attached.  When you have done the work, you get to feeling the feeling - as the one who is sending it as well as being able to receive it.  This energetic flow erases one's sense of separateness and allows you to feel connected at a core level.

Remember - We are all in this together. 

Integrating The Dark Side, Becoming Whole

Suffering is an integral part of the human experience; there is no way to be born in human form and not experience suffering.  But is there an end to this misery?  Can you, through becoming more conscious, eliminate suffering from your life?  The answer is yes, but the process takes some bravery and is not for the weak at heart. 

We suffer because we do not know our true nature; we think we are the body.  The minute you identify with the body there is this innate sense of separateness, a disconnect from the spirit that makes you feel isolated and alone.  Feeling separate is the work of the ego and in order for the ego to survive, the separateness must continue. 

Separateness grows through comparison, competitiveness, feeling higher or lower in regard to someone else; it is never free-standing.  If you feel "happier" because you are richer, more beautiful, or smarter than someone else, you are going to suffer.  Remember everything that goes up must come down - there is always someone richer, more beautiful. Identifying with the outer covering rather than the inner core is what causes all suffering.

Being able to connect to the Source, i.e., the energy that is the same in us all, is a lifetime job and one that always demands awareness; a willingness to BE in the present moment.  But that is not possible as long as the inner critic is in charge.  As long as you are judging yourself, hiding your vulnerabilities to protect your image and feel ashamed of your 'failures," you will never be free. 

The beginning of a conscious life is the willingness to integrate the dark side with the light.  This is an actual step on the physical plane, that when you make, will CHANGE your consciousness immediately.  The moment you ACCEPT your life - without judgement - the good, the bad, the ugly - is the moment suffering lessens. 

Many people think the best way to live is to keep the ugly parts of life hidden, buried - why bring them up if they are painful?  But your life is already painful and the reason is because these buried feelings are presently wrecking havoc whether or not you have consciously acknowledged them.  Bringing to light what is in darkness instantaneously switches the energy; rather than running, we stay and look and are brave enough to feel what we have so long been avoiding.  

The more you are willing to feel what scares you, the more whole you become.  Incongruence is always the  result of splitting your Self in two; embracing the light and rejecting the dark.  

Wholeness means integration and integration automatically brings authenticity.  The paradigm of being perfect needs to be changed with being an original holding more clout than being "perfect."  Perfection then is simply to be who we are, an amalgam of high and low, good and bad, rich and poor, loved and unloved, awake and asleep, with the WHOLE being greater than the sum of its parts.

Rejoicing in your uniqueness is what allows you to accept it all.  The darkest moments then become doorways to clarity, opportunities to step in and reclaim your life - all of it!

 

The Evolution of Consciousness

How does consciousness evolve?  How well do you understand the workings of the universe?  Do you live in the present moment?

There is NO way to intellectually understand how the universe works; as a result, BEING is the only way to intimately connect to the source of understanding, to experience how the universe unfolds.  Now this may sound somewhat esoteric, but it is anything but.  Without being in sync with reality, with "what is", there will always be incongruence. 

Can you imagine telling someone what chocolate tastes like without having tasted it?  And even when you have tasted it - look how difficult it is to explain what it tastes like to someone who has not. Consciousness is like chocolate - only by truly tasting it can you know what it is.  Eating chocolate is a present moment experience; it forces you to stay squarely in the moment, because without that, you miss it. 

When you are in the past or the present you are in your head and always one step away from the action.  The action of life - the joy of life - comes from the heart and is always in the present moment.  But being present is not for the weak at heart.  Being present requires great bravery, a willingness to FEEL your life rather than think about it. 

When you are willing to connect to your soft underbelly, that part of you that you keep hidden (from yourself as well as the rest of the world) - only then does being present have a chance.  Integrating the dark side as well as the light automatically makes your present and only by being totally and completely in the moment do you have an opportunity to "see" to the core to things. 

This "seeing" is NOT an intellectual exercise but a state of being.  It is unequivocal, not up for debate.  It acknowledges the failures as well as successes, the valleys as well as the peaks, the losses as well as the wins.  It recognizes life's wholeness - all of it - as perfection. 

The ability to "observe" your life, to know on a gut level that you are always in the right place at the right time, and to know that every"mistake" is a step towards greater awareness and authenticity is how consciousness evolves.  The more present you are, the more you are aligned with the workings of the universe and more connected you are to the SOURCE. 

Do You Have Sexual Chemistry?

Is sexual chemistry missing from your relationship? If you are always longing for something you don’t have, don’t beat yourself up. Wanting this connection is both natural and normal.

1. Chemistry bypasses the brain. It is not about what you think but how  you feel.

• Ahhh chemistry…..You can’t think your way to chemistry.
• No matter how much money he has (BIG SMILE), without chemistry, you will always feel the lack.
• Chemistry is simply the first step in the process of getting to know another person. It is a signal that says, “This is worth another look”.

2. Chemistry is effortless.

• “Trying” is hard work.
• “Trying” to feel chemistry is impossible – either it is there or it is not.
• We are hard-wired for chemistry. It is in our genetic coding and we need to pay attention.

3. Its absence will always leave you feeling empty and wanting.

• Have you ever wondered how you know you are not “in love”, even when you admit to never having been in love? How do you know what love is, what it feels like – never having had it?
• Love is our true nature, our home base. We know what that feels like the same way we know what chemistry feels like.
• If only for the moment, the connection makes us feel complete.

4. Chemistry makes you soft, forgiving.

• Without chemistry, how can you make-up, how can you forgive and feel soft?
• Life has it challenges and regardless of how connected you are with your partner, we all have moments when we can’t stand the other person.
• Chemistry is force that re-connects us – that makes us want to re-connect

5. It is the glue that holds it all together.

• Chemistry is about feeling right rather than being right.
• Chemistry is joyful and creates a bond that connects.
• Most importantly, chemistry lasts when real love is present.

A Walking On Eggs Relationship

Is your relationship unbearably stressful?  If you are tip-toeing around your partner, always censuring yourself and afraid to speak out, you have a communication nightmare.  There is trouble in this relationship.

Thinking about everything before you say it is torture.   This is a form of self-abuse.  Just talk - it's going to come out anyway!  Be conscious of the pressure and resentment that builds from stuffing your feelings and give yourself permission to speak.  Remember healthy relationships are about being the most that you can be; cranking it up, not toning it down.

If you're always trying to figure out the other person's mood to see when the best time to talk is, you need to stop doing that.  When is the best time to talk?  The best time is always now.  There is no time like the present.   When you manipulate your behavior to coincide with someone else's mood, you always suffer.  Basing what you say and what you don't say on another person automatically denies you the right to be yourself.  Your job is to be truthful and open and honest - not to figure out the "best" time to talk to another person. 

When you feel angry and resentful a lot of the time you are denying your Self.  Anger is really sadness turned upside down; when you feel your sadness you are no longer angry.  Not speaking what you are feeling produces anger (which is really sadness.) If you cannot be real, you have nothing. 

Be brave.  Decide right now that you are going to stop dancing around and step up.  Love yourself enough to take a chance on you.  Ask yourself:  Are your intentions good?  Do you have the other's best interest at heart?  Do you want the same good things for your partner that you want for yourself?  If you can honestly answer yes to all these questions, than open up your mouth and speak and be yourself.  You deserve it!!

Your Word Is Your Bond

Nothing is more important and says more about you than keeping your word.  The words that come out of your mouth have power and the ability to create your world.  When you say something, you need to know those words form the foundation and connection between you and the person you are speaking to; if they are true, the connection gets stronger but if they are untrue, the connection weakens. 

The words you choose are directly linked to your character, so I listen very carefully when someone speaks to me.  I want to know who this person is and if I can count on what I am hearing.  Do his words match his actions or is he just telling me what he thinks I want to hear?  

Trusting another does not happen easily so matching your word to your deed goes a long way in building a bond.  When you knowingly disregard what you have said to another, you immediately break that trust.  Over time, this will not heal, and causes much anger and resentment. 

Every time you do not do what you say you are going to do, you betray yourself.  Nothing is worse than when you know you are a sham.  The incongruence that comes from saying one thing and doing another takes away your self-respect and self-esteem.   Liking yourself is the result of knowing you can be counted on - to yourself as well as others - and that you are solid, i.e., not willing to abandon your word if the moment suits you. 

Think about what you are saying.  No one is twisting your arm to say one thing or another; this is your choice.  Stop chatting without being aware of what you are saying.  Be conscious of what comes out of your mouth.  Stand behind your words.  Know that when you say something, you mean it and that someone can count on you!