Chandra Unplugged - No nonsense, Straight-up blogging from a Life Coach

How Do You Know If You Have Chemistry?

Having chemistry is a funny thing.  Everyone has an opinion about what chemistry is, when it happens, and if it's really that important.  Trust me - it's really important.  It's not just about the actual feeling which is pretty good in and of itself, but more about what happens to you when you feel that chemistry with someone. 

We are hard-wired for chemistry.  Chemistry is not about "trying", it is simply something that happens with no interference  from anyone or anything.  You cannot talk yourself into chemistry.  No matter how much money he has it won't make any difference.  I have tried to talk myself into chemistry - it doesn't work, ever. 

But when you have it - what a difference it makes.  Chemistry allows us to make-up instead of stay angry.  For the feeling of chemistry, we move towards rather than move away.  There is a natural inclination to connect and get closer.  Connecting to someone's vibration is felt instantly and a softening takes place, a surrender.  What felt blocked a moment ago now feels open.  And being open is the beginning of any relationship.

Inner Child Work

Inner child work is in one way detective work.  We have a mystery to solve.  Why have I have I been attracted to the type of people that I have been in relationship with in my life?  Why do I react in certain ways in certain situations?  Where did my behavior patterns come from?  Why do I sometimes feel so: helpless; lonely; desperate; scared; angry; suicidal; etc.

 

That is the purpose of inner child healing - to stop letting our experiences of the past dictate how we respond to life today.  It cannot be done without revisiting our childhood.  We need to become aware, to raise our consciousness.  To create a new level of consciousness for ourselves that allows us to observe ourselves.

It is necessary to own and honor the child who we were in order to Love the person we are. And the only way to do that is to own that child's experiences, honor that child's feelings, and release the emotional grief energy that we are still carrying around.

 

We all have an inner critic, a critical parent voice that beats us up with shame, judgment, and fear.  The critical parent voice developed to try to control our emotions and our behaviors because we got the message there was something wrong with us and that our survival would be threatened if we did, said, or felt the "wrong" things.

Recovery involves bringing to consciousness those beliefs and attitudes in our subconscious that are causing our dysfunctional reactions so that we can re-program our ego defenses to allow us to live a healthy, fulfilling life instead of just surviving.  So that we can own our power to make choices for ourselves about our beliefs and values instead of unconsciously reacting to the old tapes.  Recovery is consciousness raising.  It is enlightenment - bringing the dysfunctional attitudes and beliefs out of the darkness of our subconscious into the Light of consciousness.

 

On an emotional level, the dance of Recovery is owning and honoring the emotional wounds so that we can release the grief energy - the pain, rage, terror, and shame that is driving us. 

From Robert Burney,  Inner Child Work

Loving an Animal

Nothing is more precious than loving an animal.  I had a friend ask me the other day, "Can you imagine just having to deal only with humans?" and my answer was a resounding, "No!"  Animals embody and give unconditional love automatically because they are firmly rooted in the present moment.  If you stay totally present, you also will give unconditional love; you can't give anything else. 

I am always suspect of people who don't like animals.  What's not to like?  They are God's creatures, a manifestation of divine energy; consciousness in cat form, but consciousness all the same.  They have no agenda, forget a past indiscretion in an instant, and welcome you again and again as though it were the first time. 

We feel safe with our animals because we know the relationship is straight-up:  direct, present, and without manipulation.  Even when building trust, the process has self-respect and dignity.  If you ever want to know what a healthy relationship feels like, feel your open-hearted feeling when you hug your dog or snuggle your cat; feel the release of tension and the surrender.  Being open is the key to loving and nothing opens us more than love that is unconditional.

So...here's to all the furry and feathered creatures that vibrate with the heartbeat of the universe.  I am so glad you are part of my world.  And here's my boy Samson "Sammy".

 

Is This The Job For You?

1. Is this really what you love to do?

• If you could do something else, would you? Do you like getting up in the morning and going to work?
• Is there anything better than doing what you love to do and getting paid for it?
• Don’t these people know you would do it for free? Do you remember the time you worked and didn’t like what you did – how painful that was.

    2.  Do you like and respect the company you are working for and the people you are working with?

• You have to really like whom you work with.
• You also have to have respect for the company and the people who run it.
• The mutual respect is what makes the environment nourishing.

3. Are you really good at what you do?

• What feedback have you gotten, from annual reviews, superiors?
• Be honest with yourself about your skills and accomplishments.
• Do you feel you are at the top of what you do or would more educations, discipline be required?

    4.  Do you have a realistic grasp on your financial requirements and what this job pays?What are others in your field being paid? Are you comparing apples to apples?

• Do your homework. Know what is out there. How can you make a good decision unless you know what is available? Is this a good move for you?
• Don’t make a lateral move financially unless you make up for it in many important ways. Ask about the opportunities for movement within the organization.

5.  Is there a real possibility, at some point, that you could make what you are worth?

• If no, start looking for another job. If yes, do you have the patience to build your reputation and resume?
• Nothing happens quickly. Decide if the right components are at this job and then start to slowly build and grow.
• Everything takes time and if you are consistent and passionate about what you do, you will for sure

 

The Right Way to Approach Counseling (continued)

From the moment you meet your therapist or Life Coach, you should feel a connection.  If your therapist cannot connect to you on the FIRST visit, you need to leave and never come back.  I am not talking about feeling happy, I am talking about a connection.  What that means is that you have a feeling inside you that says, "I feel like this person can help me or there is something about this person I trust".  You will know immediately; you will be able to "feel" it.  This is NOT an intellectual process, i.e., not something that lends itself well to a check list.  How many time times have you gotten everything on the list and still have not gotten the prize? Feel what the prize feels like.

On your first session, the therapist/Life Coach should "get" who you are.  Without knowing every single detail, the therapist should give you feedback to let you know that you are understood and that "help is on the way". A therapist can't fake this stuff.  Either we know what's going on, or we don't.  When the therapist feels confident, the client feels confident as well.   

When clients meet the right Life Coach/Therapist they know because they immediately become motivated to become something  more.  They know they need to change and now feel they may have found a way to do it.  That does not mean that there is not hard work ahead, but rather that the work is worth it.

Two important things need to happen simultaneously:  A therapist needs to work from the inside out and outside in.  From the "inside out" means that it is important to understand "why" we do certain things and to have insights and ephanies.  From the "outside in" means that we need to take those insights and ephanies and bring them into action in the world.  What is the good of insights if we can't make them work for us?  We might as well be sitting on the couch smoking weed and having an insight! 

In Behavioral Therapy, behavior is changed whether or not the client understands the underpinnings of that behavior.  In Psychotherapy, clients talk, have insights, but are never required to make those insights into real life, into reality. 

Therapists who know what they are doing require both insight and action., i.e., both psychotherapy and behavioral therapy.  A good therapist leads a client to insights and inspirations but holds them accountable for bringing those realizations into action in the real world.  A sharp therapist understands that only by manifesting these changes on the physical plane can a client begin to change the hard-wiring, and thus finally move in a new direction.

The Right Way to Approach Counseling

There is probably no more difficult task than choosing the right therapist.  Finding the right therapist/Life Coach takes some time and effort.  It is never a good idea to choose a therapist based on money.  I am not saying that you do not have to take your finances into account, but rather simply that you know what you are getting into.  The best way is to take the money aspect out of the equation.  Say to yourself, "Self, if I had all the money in the world and could afford anyone, who would I go to?'  There's your answer.  Now what you do with that - that's up to you.

Remember, a therapist is first and foremost a person, just like you.  Unless the Life Coach/Therapist you choose lives an outstanding life, one filled with dignity and self-esteem, how can these qualities be passsed on to you?  Every client instinctually KNOWS if the therapist is authentic; we can feel it.  We are only going to listen to someone who has walked the walked, not just talks the talk. 

Does Psychotherapy work?  If by psychotherapy we mean pure talk therapy - the answer is no!!!  There is nothing worse than constantly repeating your story and not having anyone stop you.  How often do you hear of someone being in therapy for five years and still having a messed-up life? 

Not only does it not work, but it actually does harm.  The more we repeat our dysfunctional story, the more hard-wired it becomes.  Therapists who sit back, say nothing, and let us just keep yapping on as they collect our money, do us a grave disservice.  We need to be stopped; we need the story to end and we are hoping someone will stop us.  That is why we are paying a professional - we want to be stopped.

Freud was right about some things.  He said the basis of our existence was love and work.  He was right about that.  But psychotherapy - he was wrong about that.  The client needs a dialogue with the therapist and sometimes a monologue from the therapist.  The same way parents teach children by modeling, that is the way the therapist needs to teach the client.  As parents, would we ever just let our child keep making the same mistake again and again without stepping in? 

Clients come to therapists because they are hoping we know something they don't.  If we don't speak up, who will? (to be continued)

 

Chandra's Story (continued)

Looking back at my life there is a sense sometimes that perhaps it was not my own. There are parts that feel so personal, so intimate, and there are other aspects that seem so disconnected, so obscure. Perhaps the intimate parts are when I allowed myself to feel, to establish a direct link between my heart and my brain. Only at this point would I be able to intellectually understand a little of what had just happened. The realness of these times had nothing to do with whether I was happy or sad but all to do with the connection I had made with my heart. Most important was my willingness to allow the feelings to just be, regardless of what they were.

I figured out some time ago that thinking was a luxury I would allow myself as long as I directly experienced my life. I could feel the process happening. A feeling would arise and it would be something different than I was expecting. Somehow I needed it to make sense, to somehow fit into a framework that felt comfortable. The thinking would start and in short order it was categorized, measured and fit into a familiar slot. Watching this dynamic occur again and again, I began to realize that the minute we think a rationalization takes place; an excuse for not feeling those new and uncomfortable feelings. This thought process may bring us an instant dose of solace but it ultimately robs us of stretching the boundaries of our experience. Thinking our way through life always keeps us one step away from the action. True living occurs in the moment and thinking takes us out of it.

To say that most of us come into this universe without the necessary tools to fully experience our lives is true but not quite accurate. Maybe this is the way it is supposed to be. Perhaps the truth is more subtle, a maze so obvious that we totally miss it. T.S. Eliot says, "It is ending up where you began but knowing the place for the first time." Let us assume that everything we have ever experienced is stored somewhere in our computer chip. How then do I accurately look at my life allowing it to be as real as possible and not distorting the parts I have difficulty accepting? What does "ending up where you began" mean? How do I move back from a place that has become so convoluted, so confused, to place of clarity? Is my life simply a series of random acts strung together creating a panorama that has no coherence and no gestalt, or is there a method to this madness?

There is a way the universe unfolds whether anyone gets it or not. Each one of us has to find a way that gives a sense of congruity, equanimity, dignity. We can not arbitrarily decide where to make the cut, to place one experience in the realm of random and another in the pre-destined category. What is true is true all the time.

It seems to me the only way to make peace with your life is to trust it.

There is no way to control it. The forms of the universe are unending and tackling and crushing one manifestation only gives rise to another. It is better to observe with awe and wonder the infinite variety of presentations and do the best we can do at every moment. Sometimes we make good choices, sometimes lousy ones. It is not about one life being better or worse than another. Sometimes people say, "Why did this happen to me?" I say, "Because what happened to me did not happen to you." It's a life. Yours is yours and mine is mine. Either we accept responsibility for our lives or we do not.

Accepting responsibility does not mean we know the reason something happened to us. It's nice to know or at least get a sense of what is going on, but can we ever really know why things happen? Taking responsibility for a life means feeling connected to that life. I own my life -- the good, the bad and the ugly. It is not an accident, not even one, little, tiny part of it. This does not mean that there was not room for improvement or that I might not do things differently from where I now stand. All it means is that I trust the process.

It is from this place of trust and this place only that we can begin to connect to our lives and make them real. Trust has the ability to put fear in its proper perspective. When we trust, we feel the fear but do it anyway. We are brave enough to feel afraid and stay with that feeling even though it is uncomfortable and very unpleasant. After all, it is fear that has disconnected us from our lives. All our unpleasant feelings become stuffed away with the assumption being that if they are truly felt they just might annihilate us. As more and more feelings are jammed inside they begin to gain critical mass. Although this process bypasses the intellect, our being is aware of what is going on and compensates by becoming even more clever in keeping those feelings at bay. The ultimate paradox is that it is only through those feelings that we are liberated.

We must go back. We must begin again. If we look at our life the same way we always have we will end up with the same results. That's fine if we feel the way we want to feel and our life is going exactly as we want it to go. But, if there is an incongruity between what we say we want and the life we live every day, we need to be willing to look at our life in a new way. This is never easy.

It takes tremendous ego strength and internal fortitude to delve into unknown territory. What we are talking about here is the "healthy ego," a sense of self that is strong enough to withstand scrutiny, some criticism, and ultimately change. What is unknown is outside our conscious mind. It produces chaos, a feeling of being out of control. The more we are able to stretch our consciousness, move outside the familiar feelings, the more we are able to expand our way of looking at the world. What ostensibly appears to be chaos becomes the energy that moves us out of that stuck place and provides us with the opportunity to grow. What initially is uncomfortable, ultimately nourishes our soul.

When our soul is nourished, our life takes on a meaning all its own. The reasons for doing things fall by the wayside and there is simply a movement so fluid, so effortless, that at times we wonder what all the fuss was about. Our life ceases to be conditional in any aspect. We no longer do something we don't like because we hope it is a stepping stone to something we do like or work with people who undermine our creativity in the hopes that they will be instrumental in advancing our career. When our soul is being fed, suddenly things simply become what they are. We do the work we love and we are around the people who make us feel good. The glaring distinction between who I really am and my life in the world is gone. There is congruity and that oneness brings peace and inner contentment.

This does not mean that the rest of our life is on coast. All it means is that for the moment we can pause and enjoy the feeling. We have done a good job and now it is time to take the next plunge.

More of My (Chandra's) Story

As far back as I can remember I have always felt different.

When I was four years old, I can recall my father and mother arguing in the kitchen. I remember thinking, "Why doesn't he tell her he loves her andthat what she said hurt him? That's what he really feels." Even then,

I had an extremely accurate bullshit meter. I might have been too young to translate those sophisticated and nuanced feelings into words but they were always dead on the money and rarely let me down. Even in the midst of great chaos, I learned to trust those feelings, and eventually they led me home to myself.

In high school, I was in the best sorority and my boyfriend was on the football team, but I was always attracted to things that were a little strange. I went to all the parties and danced all the dances, but the thoughts that were in my head were different than my girlfriends' and when I spoke what came out was different too. Eventually, I quit the sorority (the only one who ever did in the history of the Gibsons) and became involved with a guy who rode a motorcycle and belonged to a fraternity called Rebels. He seemed to appreciate my layered look at the world and listened attentively while I dissected Emily Dickinson and Robert Graves.

I don't remember feeling particularly rebellious, but I do recall having an overwhelming desire to express myself. I can remember saying things to my girlfriends and having them look at me with both awe and confusion not quite sure how to respond. I always saw a multifaceted universe and took more delight in the process of human interaction than I did in the outcome of a discussion. Gossip for me was just that and only interested me in as much as I could better understand human nature.

I couldn't wait to graduate college and a week later I was in Europe with my best friend. We had a three month Eurail pass which meant I could ride first class on the train from one end of Europe to the other. When we landed in Luxembourg I remember thinking, "All these people, and they don't speak English." In an instant, the world took on mammoth proportions and simultaneously I took my rightful place in it. As I nestled under my down comforter that first night in Europe, I knew this journey would be the first of many.

I have strolled the pristine white beaches of Tasmania. On the Serengheti, I watched as wild dogs bit the Achilles heel of a wildebeest bringing it to the ground. I have climbed the healing mountain in Bogota, traveled from one end of Australia to the other, and even seriously thought about staying in Alaska. The more places I went and the more people I met, the more I felt connected to all things human. I enjoyed the experience of different cultures, - the food, the clothing, the customs - but most important were the people. I knew their laughter and tears were the same as mine and somehow that made me feel connected to something larger than myself.

In between traveling, I would work long enough to accumulate some money for my next trip. Manhattan was simply the place to be. Often times, I would walk in the Village and have the sense that all of this was a dream. I felt like I was in the world but not of it. And then one day, crossing East 51st, something happened. At first it was an aura, a feeling coming toward me, enveloping me slowly. I wasn't quite sure what was happening, but I felt the world shifting around me. It was pulsating with energy and suddenly all of it - the people, the cars, the buildings, - were pulsating with that same energy. Everything was moving in slow motion and I was aware of every sound, smell and color. There was no distinction between anything else and me; I had become part of everything and everything was part of me. I knew that all the varied forms of the universe were made from the same energy and that energy was God. Regardless of what I called it - the Source, Divine Intelligence, Master Plan - I had had an experience of Grace and that experience would stay with me throughout my life.

My next stop was India. I spent ten years with my teacher, meditating and living a very disciplined monastic life.  And then one day I knew it was time to come back. I got on a plane and came home. I went back to graduate school, got a Master's Degree in Social Work.I became involved with HMO's when they were just getting started and eventually I was the Director of an HMO. I did consulting work for General Motors in managed health care, had my own receivables management company, created vegetarian gourmet restaurants, cooked for hundreds, owned an art gallery, and today have my own private Coaching practice. I have always been less concerned with the longevity of these endeavors than with their ability to be vehicles for the development of consciousness. The adventure continues and although I feel connected, sometimes I still feel scared.  (to be continued Thursday)

Happy New Year

To me, every day is like every other day, but I still can appreciate the significance of a New Year.  The word "new" signifies hope and the promise of, once again, new things to come.  And all this newness and hope are great as long as we realize it takes hard work to go in a new direction, whether it be losing weight or losing a joyless relationship.  Having a good life takes bravery and being brave requires hard work. 

You can't go for quick gratification of your needs and still go the distance.  Without discipline and the knowledge that sometimes saying "no" has great power, you can never become something more.  Sometimes walking away is what we need to do, and sometimes we need to stay. Only you know all the weird places the ego takes you and what you need to work on. 

You can't take a course, write in a journal, do yoga or sit in front of a vibe machine and think it will make you happier or raise your consciousness.  All these methods will always be one step away from the action and never be the action itself.  Every method you pick up you must eventually lay down - so why bother? ONLY YOU can make a difference in your life!

So...greet the New Year head-on, full steam ahead.  Enter unadorned, take whatever power you have given away back, and walk firmly into life.

Have a great year!

Some of My Story - Chandra

I wrote my first book, Reality Works, Let It Happen, because it was something I was always looking for and could never find. If you’re like I am, you’ve read hundreds of “new age” “spiritual/self-help” books. I wanted something different, without the anecdotes, without the endless explanations. I wanted something straight and to the point and I felt that there were others who felt the same.

What kept me going during the process of finding a publisher were separating my rejections into formal and personal rejections, the personal ones telling me they liked the book but invariably suggesting that I tell stories to illustrate my point. A wonderful thing happened when I first spoke with Jan Johnson, the publisher at Red Wheel/Weiser.  The first words out of her mouth were, “I love the tone and voice of the book. I love that it is simple, succinct, and without anecdotes." I knew that I had a match.

I realize that there is no way to talk about the book without letting you know about me, my journey and the process. Reality Works is simply my way of seeing the world. All the chapter titles – Love grows if you’re Not In A Coma, When You Are Confused, Do Nothing, Workaholics Miss All The Action, When You Miss The Signs And Signals, The Universe Ups The Ante – are a direct result of my experience.

I went to India in 1970 and I had no idea how long I would be there. I ended up living there and studying with a great teacher for 10 years. I lived a very aesthetic life style and because of that life developed a quiet mind through discipline and meditation. And then one day, I realized it was time to come back. The same way the inner voice had taken me to India for 10 years was the same way it was drawing me back.

I began to "see" the wholeness of life and how it is all connected.  I realized that although I could meditate and have spiritual experiences, I still had unresolved psychological issues from my childhood and I still had no idea what I was going to be or how I was going to make my way in the world.  It became very clear to me that points in one part of your life don't give you points in another; that reality is all of life, not just the parts we are good at and that to feel whole I needed to embrace it all.

So…after 10 years I left India and the only life I had known for years.  And it was like all this psychological stuff was at exactly the same place I had left it, frozen in time.

I began the process of confronting my demons, sitting with the fears. I saw that pleasure and pain had nothing to do with clarity and that sometimes in the midst of horrific pain we may suddenly get it. I also went back to school and got my graduate degree. I wasn’t quite sure what I would do with it, but I felt it would help me move in the world and create opportunities that I wouldn’t have without it. As I began to honor all parts of my life as equal, no one part being anymore important than any other part, I could sense what being whole felt like.

I stopped partitioning my life – pretending like one part of my life had nothing to do with the other. I knew I had one heart and if that heart was closed in my personal life, I knew it would affect my relationships in business. I also knew that if I didn’t like the work I was doing during the day, it would affect my relationship when I got home. I somehow sensed it was about being able to move from one aspect of my life to another seamlessly, without a ripple. To feel centered wherever I was, at home, at work, or alone.

There were moments of real peace and clarity. Moments when I felt I had “gotten it”, I was in the flow. I began to feel that there is a way the universe unfolds whether anyone gets it or not and that tapping into the wholeness of my life was a beginning.