Chandra Unplugged - No nonsense, Straight-up blogging from a Life Coach

Married, Separated or Available?

Are you dating someone who is either married or separated? If you are - Things You Need to Know:

1. 1. There is a reason why divorce and separation are two different stages – one is final, one is not.

• It is always best to wait till someone is divorced.
• In my practice, I have known many people who have all the intention in world of getting divorced, but somehow never do.
• Also, many who are separated go back to their spouses.

2. In order to be fully present in one relationship, you must be out of the other.

• Ask if you are unsure of someone’s status.  Anyone really available will not begin a new relationship until out of the present one.
• I remember once asking a guy if he was divorced. He said, “It’s the same as being divorced”. I asked him just exactly what that was. He told me he had been separated for many years and that they had an agreement. Is that unattractive or what?
• Ask yourself - Do you really want to be with someone who is available for a real relationship?

3. Married people (separated people) are not available – period.

• OK. Here’s the deal. If you’re married, you are not really available to begin a new relationship. And what a crummy way to start a new relationship.
• If you are in the process of “getting” a divorce, much of the conversation is about that – what is going on with your ex., he said, she said stuff, lawyers and conversation about when the divorce will be final, etc.
• Do you want to begin a new, fresh relationship, talking about old, stale stuff?

4. If you really want intimacy, choose someone who is available.

• Intimacy is about openness and openness results from having closure.
• Only when you are done with one thing, can you begin another.
• Starting new means having taken the time to make peace with your past.

Do You Hate Your Job....and Can't Leave Now?

Do you hate the job you have and don’t know how to make it better? Learn why you need stop complaining and start changing your work environment for the better (if you decide to stay).  What can you do? 

1. 1. Decide if you want to stay or leave. Once you know your course of action you can begin to move in a direction.

• This is a very important decision and does not need to be made in a hurry or when you are unsure or upset.
• These decisions need to be made when your mind is calm so you can be sure you are doing what is best for you in the long run.
• ...and not what is most expedient (or what you feel like) at the moment. Once you know what you want to do, then you can move cleanly in a new direction.

2. Stop complaining and gossiping.

• Having a reputation as a whiner is never in your best interests.
• Whining and complaining are what we do when we do not want to confront our fears.
• Moving in a new direction is always scary; so is dealing with an issue, but if we want to eventually have peace, we need to stop complaining and step up, doing whatever needs to be done so we can move on.

3. Understand the job hierarchy; Who is in charge, who directly affects what you do everyday?

• Really smart people understand there is hierarchy in most work places.
• Figure out early on what it is and who you will interact with.
• Be respectful of the hierarchy and cultivate relationships with superiors that have your best interests at heart.

    4.  Be genuine and talk to the decision maker.

• You do not have to have a solution to the problem to have a feeling.
• Sometimes we aren’t willing to address a problem if we don’t know the solution. That’s silly but that’s what we do.
• The best solutions often come from exploration, traveling the journey and finding the answer along the way

    5.  Be more interested in feeling right rather than being right.

• Pick your battles carefully.
• Leave your ego outside.
• Sincerely be interested in solving the problem more than being right.

Dealing with Jealousy

Is jealousy ruining your relationship? Learn how to deal with a jealous partner and what you can do to change that.

1.  Jealousy comes from insecurity. It is always about you, your feelings, and how you handle a situation.

• Jealousy is never about the other person. It is all about how secure you feel in yourself.
• If you know you deserve to be loved, you do not have to worry about jealousy.
• If you are healthy, you will never put up with a relationship that is distrusting.

2.  Jealousy eats you up from the inside out. It is poison and destroys relationships.

• Do not ever excuse jealous behavior.
• Jealousy is toxic. There is never a good reason for jealousy.
• If you do not feel secure in a relationship, you need to address your fears and concerns. What are you really feeling? Usually it is not jealousy but rather a mixture a fear and sadness.

3. Participating in jealous interchanges takes two people.

• Never mistake jealousy for a compliment this is addictive behavior.
• “She’s jealous because she loves me” – No…that is not the reason she is jealous and also, she doesn’t really love you.
• Love and jealousy are two mutually exclusive entities; they have nothing to do with one another.

4.  Love is open, the ego is quiet; there is peacefulness and trust in the relationship.

• Jealousy is closed, and the ego is screaming; you both feel shut down and self-protective.
• When there is love, there is trust; there is acceptance and ease in the relationship.
• Jealousy is the opposite of love.  Love is about breaking down the walls of separation, jealousy is about putting them up.

5.  If someone wants to cheat, there is nothing you can do to stop that, so stop trying. People are  faithful because that is what they want to do!

• Jealousy changes you, the way you see yourself. You eventually lose your self-respect and self-esteem.
• Your jealousy can cause drama but it cannot succeed in changing another person.
• People change because they want to. If you have a partner who is behaving in a way that demeans and diminishes you, she will only change that behavior because she wants to, not because you want her to.

Are you Stuck In A Relationship That Doesn't Work?

Do you feel stuck in your relationship and can’t figure out what to do next? How do you know if you are stuck? 

1. You keep repeating the same story over and over again.

• Are you finally bored with your story?
• Until you are tired of hearing the same old stuff, you can never move on.
• Remember, you can “be right” but not “feel right”.

2.  You tell friends and family to get consensus for your point of view.

• Anyone who is not sympathetic to your tale of woe quickly gets deleted from your phone. The more people you can get who agree with you, the more validated and “right” you feel. But the ego is only assuaged for the moment, and you quickly get on the phone to call the next person. 
• And a note to friends and family – You are not doing anyone a favor listening continuously to the drama.
• The more a person repeats his tale of woe, the more hard-wired it becomes.

3. You start every sentence with "Yes, but...." every time you get a suggestion to improve your situation.

• I have a friend I call the “yes, but girl”. No matter what suggestion she is given, her respond is always “yes, but”.
• What that means to me is that she has no intention of changing – she simply makes excuses and wants to be right.
• Being stuck is about being repetitious.  Honestly listen to yourself.

4. You recognize the same patterns even though the names and faces are different.

• OK. Here’s the deal. The names and places are different but he’s the same guy.
• Be honest with yourself. Are the patterns the same from one relationship to the next? Do you keep attracting “commitment phobic” guys?
• If you do, you need to look at yourself and make the adjustment there.

Are You Hiding A Secret?

Are you keeping a secret about yourself that’s killing you on the inside? If you are, understand why these secrets are poison and keep you from loving relationships. The Truth about Secrets:

1. Secrets foster shame and guilt.

• We keep secrets because we are uncomfortable with the feelings we will have to feel if we deal with our “secrets”.
• There is no way to heal, unless you are willing to feel and secrets provide us with that opportunity.
• When we work at keeping our secrets hidden, we end up feeling shameful.
• Dr. James Pennebaker says: By not talking about upsetting experiences, people don’t tie things together. They’ll think about this part of it, or that part of it, or another part of it, but it’s hard for them to see how the trauma may be affecting them in a broader sense. And by keeping big secrets or withholding trauma, they are not connecting with their friends because they are withholding a significant part of who they are from them. (Click here for more info)

2. Secrets become monsters when they are kept hidden.

• Secrets may start out small but the more they are kept hidden, the bigger they get.
• If I say to you, “Don’t think of a monkey”, what do you think of? That is what happens with secrets.
• When we hide the truth of whom we really are, our sense of self becomes mutated, i.e., confused and hidden behind a false persona.

3. Secrets isolate us from one another.

• There is nothing worse than a “secret” to keep us separated from those we love.
• A “secret” is the big elephant sitting in the room, the elephant no one talks about but everyone can feel.
• It creates a space that is palpable, that everyone can feel, but no one discusses.

4. Secrets isolate us from ourselves.

• This is the big one. Secrets keep us disconnected from ourselves.
• If you have not dealt with these unexpressed and shameful feelings, there is a part of yourself that you have not accepted.
• In the process of disowning that part of yourself, you cut yourself up into “acceptable” pieces (for yourself), that only serve to splinter you more.

5. Secrets create lies and more secrets.

• Only by being brave enough to deal with this stuff can we move on and have real relationships.
• Lies create more and more lies and secrets keep us more and more isolated from connecting in a real and open way.
• Secrets are the opposite of openness.

Men and Women are Different - Ain't Life Grand!

Are you confused about the differences between men and women? Men and women are really not as mysterious as we make them out to be.

1. Men and women are different – enjoy it.

• Viva la difference. I do not want a man who is like my girlfriends.
• There is a masculine/feminine polarity that forms an arch between a man and a woman.
• It is what creates the chemistry, the passion and is absolutely essential in juicy relationships

2. The things that make a woman feel good are different than the things that make a man feel good.

• I saw Chris Rock last night on HBO. He said women spend too much time trying to figure men out.
• He said, “Good food, a good nap, and sex (it doesn’t even have to be very good…..)
• Making a woman feel like the prize, that’s what makes a woman feel good.

3. Women enjoy conversation more than solving problems.

• Men enjoy solving problems more than having conversation.
• When a woman talks she wants a man to listen. If she wants advice, she will ask for it.
• When a man talks, it is for a purpose – to solve a problem, to go from point A to point B.

4. If you tell a woman you are going to do something, do it.

• To be able to count on a man is what every woman wants.
• Nothing is more attractive than a man who is accountable, reliable.
• This is what makes a woman safe.

   5.   Nothing substitutes for being real – real matches happen naturally.

• Authenticity bridges the gap between masculine and feminine.
• When there is good chemistry - you do not have to try.
• When there is good masculine/feminine polarity, chemistry happens naturally.

Are You Constantly Making Excuses?

Do you hear yourself constantly making excuses every time you think about staying or leaving? Rationalizations (TRASHtionalizations) keep you stuck and keep you from having a real relationship.

1. Being with someone, anyone, is better than being alone.

• No it’s not!!! And anyone who says that is deathly afraid of being alone.
• Being with someone needs to ADD to your life. A lateral move won’t do either.
• Ask yourself, “Is my life better having this person in it?” “In this relationship, am I able to be the most that I can be?”

2. He’s not a good husband, but he’s a good father. She’s not a good wife, but she’s a good mother.

• Regardless of all the things a person may be good at – the question is: Are they good for you?
• If you are someone’s wife, then you need a husband, not just a good father for your children.
• Remember, kids grow up and leave.

3. I’d love to be turned on, but passion diminishes over time.

• No it doesn’t, not if you stay awake and aware and continue to grow.
• When you look for the other person to provide the passion in a relationship, you are missing the boat. If you want passion, you must be passion.
• What is more interesting than a person who loves life and greets each day as a new beginning – that is passion, and everyone can feel it!

4. I’m not happy, but I’ll just let some time pass and see what happens.

• Time doesn’t do anything but pass. It is a neutral backdrop on which we live our lives and has not inherent value other than to pass.
• Over time, things become more of what they already are. What’s good becomes better and what’s bad usually becomes worse.
• So…if you don’t like what you presently have, NOW is the time to make a change.

Thinking of Asking for a Commitment? Think Again.

Are you confused about whether to leave or stay and feel you need a commitment in order to make up your mind? Learn why it is a mistake to ask for a commitment and why an ultimatum always backfires and should never be an option. What do we do when we want a commitment and the other person doesn’t? How do we know whether to leave or stay and when is enough time enough?

1.  Asking for commitment, you instantly loose your dignity and self-esteem.

• Have I ever done this? The answer is yes; that’s why I know how demeaning it is.
• Commitments come naturally, out of organic, free-flowing connections.
• When you look at the other person and cannot imagine being with anyone else, that is a real commitment.

2.  Asking for a commitment is the opposite of love.

• Love occurs ONLY in the moment.
• Asking for a commitment is like trying to tie up the future – you can’t do it, no matter how hard you try.
• Why not just relax into the moment, stop trying to control things, and see what happens naturally?

3.  You cannot make someone want you or love you.

• No matter how hard you press for a commitment, that is not the same as love.
• People love because they want to love and because loving feels good.
• You may be able to talk someone into a commitment, but not into loving you.

4.  Ultimatums always have unpleasant backlashes.

• This is the probably the worst thing you can do.
• Why give an ultimatum? What’s the point? OK. You might be able to scare someone into “committing” but what a hollow commitment that is.
• Be careful what you manipulate; you just might get the physical body in front of you, but you will not get the soul.

Making the SAME Mistake Again?

Worrying about making the same mistakes over and over again? Here’s how to recognize re-current destructive relationship patterns so that you can avoid making the same mistake again and again.

1. The situation feels the same even though the names and faces have changed.

• OK. Last time his name was Bob and this time it’s Pete, but is he really a different guy for you?
• Be honest with yourself. He may have a different name and do different work, but are the patterns the same?
• Is he emotionally unavailable? Do you continually do the apart-together dance?

   2.  You hear yourself complaining about the same things over and over again.

• Are YOU getting tired of hearing your story?
• If you are finally bored. this is a firm indicator that the time to move on is near.
• Subject and verb merge into blah, blah, blah as the same drama continually unfolds.

  3.  You talk to others to gain consensus for your point of view.

• Regardless of how many times you do the same thing, you still feel insecure.
• You constantly need others to support your point of view.
• You know exactly who to call and who not to call and anyone who disagrees with your point of view is taken off your calling list.

  4.  You make excuses for dysfunctional and abusive behavior.

• You have become a master at rationalization, or TRASHtionalization.
• The majority of time, you live in your head, making excuses, because living in your heart is too painful.
• You need to be brave enough to bear the pain of the truth - You are miserable. 

  5.  You never think any of it is your fault and feel like a victim.

• This is the worst part of it – you have become a victim and are stripped of all your power. Actually, you have given your power away (unconsciously) and do not realize you have the power to take it back as well (consciously).
• You MUST take responsibility for the situation you are in, whether or not you can make sense out of it. This is your life, unfolding before you, and if you want it to be different, you have to do something about it.
• There is nothing more powerful than taking your power back (but first, you must be honest, and know you have given it away). The minute you acknowledge you have given it away, you are no longer a victim, and are now in a position to re-claim it.

Breaking An Addiction

Whether it’s drugs, alcohol, food or shopping - admitting you’re addicted is simply the first step. Now what do you do? Unless you can identify the root cause of all addictions you can never figure out what you need to do to stop these destructive behaviors.  How to Stop:

1. Seek professional help. If you could stop yourself – it would not be an addiction.

• Seeking professional is ultimately a humbling experience.
• You realize your humanness; that you need help and are willing to ask for it.
• Ever single one of us has our demons and they often times manifest as addictions.

    2.  All addictions are about NOT FEELING – when you anesthetize yourself, you do not feel.

• Addictions anesthetize us. All the feelings we don’t want to feel always rise to the surface, i.e., what is in darkness, always comes to light.
• As those “bad” feelings begin to come up, the anxiety begins to build.
• We think we just might die if we feel those feelings. So….we take a drink, take a pill. And the feelings get pushed back down.

3. Unless you are willing to “feel” what you have been avoiding feeling, you will never break an addiction. You can never “think” your way out of an addiction.

• Thinking can be very frustrating. 
• Thinking always cuts us short and will never release the ahh-haa feeling.
• And that’s because “getting it” means you have to feel it, really feel it. Unless you feel what you are most afraid of, you will always develop some sort of addiction to block the feeling.