Chandra Unplugged - No nonsense, Straight-up blogging from a Life Coach

Dreading Family Gatherings?

Do you dread family gatherings?  If you have a meddling mother-in-law that is constantly critical or a father-in-law that drinks too much and is bigoted, you are most probably anxious at family functions.  Learn the best way to deal with these problems before, during and after dinner.

1. Potential problems need to be addressed and discussed BEFORE everyone shows up.
   • If you are dreading a family gathering it is because you are feeling things that need to be addressed and you are avoiding them.
   • Focusing on negative feelings actually brings those things to you.  What we focus on grows!
   • BEFORE anyone shows up, you need to be clear and not confused.

2. Partners need to support one another and be very clear about priorities.
   • This is very important.  Unless partners are aligned, the rule of the day is “divide and conquer.”
   • A boundary set by two is always more powerful than one set by one.

3. Abusive behavior is never acceptable, regardless of the situation.  Immediately set boundaries.
   • Never excuse abusive behavior.  Any behavior that diminishes another person, whether that is verbal or emotional, needs to be stopped immediately. 
   • Do not say things to excuse abusive behavior like, “Oh, it’s just my father, he doesn’t really mean it”.  He does really mean it or else he wouldn’t have said it or at the least, he would have apologized.

4. You have as much right to state your opinion, as does anyone else.  Speak up.
   • So often we say nothing because we do not want to cause a scene.  But there is a way to speak in a very decisive, non-confrontational way that lets another person know what they have just said is unacceptable.
   • Not saying anything – when you know another person is being abusive – means you are being abused as well.
   • Abusive or inappropriate behavior makes us want to back away, clam up, retreat. 

5. Just because you allowed something to happen once, does not mean it has to happen again.
   • Every moment is an opportunity to do it right.  Just because you allowed this behavior once before does not mean you need to allow it again. 
   • Over time, hopefully, we learn how to better take care of ourselves.  Stopping abusive controlling behavior is a sign we are learning to love ourselves.

How Not to Make the Same Mistake Twice

We all make mistakes; that is the process of living of life.  But how many times do you need to make the same mistake?  Time is moving along, so it is best to figure out how not to make the same mistake twice.

1. We all learn by making mistakes – this is the process of discovery.
   • It’s impossible to live a life and not make mistakes.  This is how we learn about ourselves.
   • Sometimes we enter through the back door; we learn what NOT to do. 

2. You do not have to experience everything on the physical plane in order to “get it”.
   • Life is created from the inside out.  That means that before something manifests on the physical plane, it is already created on the inside.  By the time it surfaces on the physical plane, it has speed and critical mass; in other words, a lot of energy is behind it.
   • So…if you feel uneasy, know things are happening that do not feel good to you, you can stop the forward momentum before the mistake manifests on the physical.

3. Do not rationalize or gather consensus for your mistakes – admit error and move on.
   • Often, when we have made a mistake, we have trouble admitting it, and our ego takes over.  We immediately gather consensus for our point of view and try to make ourselves right.  This only prolongs the process and increases our anxiety.
   • Admitting when you have made a mistake is the smartest thing you can do.  The minute you acknowledge your error, the energy begins to shift.

4. Only you really know if the same patterns keeping repeating themselves.  Trust your instincts.
   • Be brutally honest with yourself.  Is this just another variation of the “same” mistake?
   • In dysfunctional relationships, we often “pick” the same person with a different name.

5. We learn what works by knowing what doesn’t work.
   • A road map tells you where to go and a boat map tells you where not to go. 
   • When you know where “not to go”, you avoid making the same mistake twice.

Does Passion Really Diminish Over Time?

We all buy into the platitude that passion diminishes over time but just because many people say the same thing doesn’t make it so.  If you feel your relationship is stagnant and has stopped growing, learn why “love grows if you’re not in a coma”.

1.      If you stay awake, passion naturally grows over time.

·        Being awake means being alive and aliveness is the same as passion. 

·        Living in the present moment is the only way to feel passion.

·        A willingness to feel ALL of life is what allows us to live in the present moment.

2.      You cannot “love” unless you like the other person.

·        How many times have you heard someone say, “I don’t like him, but I love him?”  What does that mean?  It makes no sense to me.

·        How can you love someone you don’t like?

·        Loving is respect, it is liking the other person, admiring his character.  If you don’t like your partner, you cannot love him!!

3.      You cannot spoil someone with too much loving.

·        Why hold back from someone you love?  It is not often we want to give endlessly. 

4.      Letting someone “see” who you are, opens hearts to loving.

·        Nothing is sexier than vulnerability

Are You Grieving?

Are you grieving over the loss of a loved one?  Whether you are around friends, family, acquaintances, or strangers, understand that grieving is a natural and normal part of life. If you are grieving and are having trouble being with others, here are a few ways to better deal with your loss.

1. Grieving is a natural part of life – we grieve when we lose something we love.
   • For some reason, in the West, we deal with grieving, death and dying, as unspeakable subjects. It is as though we think if we don’t talk about them, they will go away. 
   • But they don’t go away because they are inherent in life; the cycle of birth and death rages on.
   • Every death – the death of a loved one, the losing of a job, the ending of a relationship, even though it might have been dysfunctional, - summons up every other death.  Judith Rossner says in her book August, “After the first death, there is no other.”

2. There is no “normal” timeframe to stop grieving – the grieving stops when you are done mourning.
   • If you surrender to the natural process of grieving, you will move through grieving and be done when you are done. 
   • Everything is moving all the time.  When you feel the passing of something, you allow yourself to grieve and give yourself permission to feel your sadness.

3. Do not pretend to be “happy” if you are not.

   • Pretending is the opposite of authenticity. 

4. Talk about the person you loved and lost … even if it makes others feel uncomfortable.
   • You have a right to talk about things you want to talk about as much as the next person. 
   • It is not your job to make someone else feel comfortable.

5. You cannot think your way through grief – you must feel.
   • I often say the only way to HEAL is to FEEL.
   • Thinking keeps the “feelings” in the head, in a very intellectual way, never allowing them to come down and rest in the heart
   • Until you are willing to feel your feelings of sadness, you can never move through the natural process of grieving. 

Chemistry and Compatibility

Are you and your partner compatible but have no sexual chemistry?  If you are struggling with this issue, you are not alone.  My experience is that all great relationships have both chemistry and compatibility. 

1. If you feel this is a problem, it is.  Ignoring it makes it worse.
   • This problem does not go away, not matter what excuses you make or how much you want it to disappear.
   • Actually, over time, it gets worse.  

2. You are not being selfish to want both – you deserve it.
   • Ask yourself:  Do I deserve to have both a best friend and a lover?
   • And mostly, do you deserve love? 

3. You cannot talk yourself into chemistry or compatibility.
   • There is only one thing sadder than two people who have good sexual chemistry yet can’t seem to be good friends, and that is best friends who just don’t have that sexual chemistry.
   • Oftentimes, best friends stay together and deny their sexual nature; resentment usually builds over time.

4. When you have both, the relationship grows in a healthy way.
   • All healthy relationships have both chemistry and friendship; this is what allows the partnership to grow and flourish. 
   • The only way to make-up is with friendship and chemistry. Chemistry draws us back to other person even when we are angry and friendship makes us glad we got over our differences.
   • And this is the cycle – and both are needed to complete the circle.

Having To Be Right

Do you have to be right all the time? Isn’t it exhausting?  It took me a long time to figure out, but I prefer feeling right to being right.

1.      Feeling right is always better than being right.

·        How many times have you been right but felt lousy afterward? You’ve proved your point, gotten the other person to agree with you; you should be feeling great, but you don’t.

·        Giving up the need to always be right is the beginning of having a loving relationship. 

·        Feeling connected is what it’s all about, not being right.

2.      Feeling good about being right is always short-lived.

·        The immediate boost from being right is always short-lived.  This is about the ego, i.e., a momentary conquest that has no legs and will not go the distance. 

·        The minute the momentum of victory has worn off; you will feel isolated and alone.

3.      Having to be right pushes people away and is unattractive.

·        There is something very unappealing about a person who sense of self is based on having to be right.

·        When you are secure, you do not need anyone to agree with you about anything.

4.      Having to be right is always about insecurity.

·        When you need another person to agree with your point of view and you can’t “feel good” unless they do, your sense of self is vey fragile. 

·        Insecurity pushes people away – the same people you want to be close to.

5.      Having to be right takes a lot of work.

·        This is exhausting work. 

·        Having to be right means that you are intimately invested in another person seeing things your way.  Why?  What difference does it make? 

Tired of Being Addicted and Want To Stop?

Are you tired of being addicted to painkillers or tranquillizers and don’t know how to stop?  Are you in denial and tell yourself you can stop if you want to but still have not.  If you are getting weary of being a slave to your addictions, ask yourself the following:

1. Do you spend a large amount of time and energy thinking about your addiction?
   • If you are thinking about when you can take another pill, you have an addiction problem. 
   • My experience is that when there is a pain management issue, the medication controls the pain but you do not get high.  If you are getting high from your pain medication, you are taking to much and will most probably get addicted.

2. Do you realize the psychological addiction is harder to break than the physical addiction?
   • There is nothing more difficult to break than a psychological addiction. 
   • I have known people who are medically detoxed (in the hospital) and still cannot beak their addiction even though they are no longer physically addicted.
   • And that’s because a psychological addiction is hard-wired to your feelings, which are very powerful.  

3. Are you willing to get professional help?  If you could stop yourself, you would do that. 
   • Addictions have nothing to do with smarts.  I have known people with extremely high IQ’s get very addicted to many things.
   • You cannot break an addiction by thinking your way through it. 

4. Can you feel? You must feel to break an addiction.
   • In order to heal, you must feel.
   • Addictions keep us anesthetized from feeling.
   • You take your substance of choice until you are numb (from feeling) - that is the underlying dynamic of an addiction.
   • Unless you are willing to bear the anxiety that comes right before feeling the feeling you are afraid to feel, you can never break an addiction.

Are You Abusing Prescription Medication?

Do you know that addiction to prescription medications is 10X the problem of illegal drugs?  If you are abusing tranquillizers, painkillers and stimulants, these are the questions you need to ask yourself.

1. Are you exceeding the recommended dosage?
   • There is a recommended dosage for a reason – more than the recommended amount can cause addiction, psychological as well as physical. 
   • Did you know the psychological addiction is much, much harder to break than the physical?

2. Do you take these pills in secret?
   • Is this your little secret? 
   • If the actual medical reason for taking these pills is no longer applicable but you are still taking them – you are taking them in secret.

3. Are you aware of the short and long term adverse side effects?
   • Every prescription medication that you take has long and short term side effects.  You can read about these either in the literature or looking up the drug on the internet. 
   • Addictions build slowly and have a cumulative affect. 

4. Do you know the withdrawal symptoms?
   • When you abuse your prescription medication (either by exceeding the dosage or taking them when it is no longer indicated) you will experience withdrawal symptoms.
   • Withdrawal symptoms are often worse than what you originally took the medication for.

5. Do you drive a car or have you had accidents?
   • I have a client who was recently arrested in a Publix parking lot.  A policeman was parked there and found her having trouble getting into her car.  When he approached her, she was slurring her words, etc. On the front seat was a plastic container of Xanax. 

Avoiding Being Alone

Are you afraid to spend time alone and will you do anything to avoid it?  If you are constantly avoiding alone time, here are some things to think about that just might help in setting you free.

1. Is doing “anything” better than being alone?
   • If doing anything feels better than being alone, you need to deal with this issue, because doing “anything” is not better than being alone. 
   • When we run from something (being alone), the focus remains on the running and not what we are doing.

2. Do you feel anxious when faced with the prospect of being alone?
   • The feeling of anxiety lets us know that the feelings we are running from are beginning to rise to the surface; that’s what happens when we spend time alone.
   • You will always feel anxious when you enter unknown territory.  You are used to being distracted.  When you are alone, many of those familiar distractions are removed; as a result, you will initially feel anxious.

3. You must face your fears or you will always be running.
   • Running becomes very tedious, very tiring.  The only way you will ever be able to stop running, is to turn around and invite the demons in. 
   • When you face your fears and refuse to run, the chase stops!

4. Spending time alone is the ONLY way to really know your SELF.
   • It is only in the quiet moments that we are able to KNOW the depths of who we really are. 
   • Can you not answer your cell, turn the TV off, and sit quietly? 
   • Can you bear the anxiety that comes from not being distracted?  If you can, you will be rewarded with an expanded sense of Self.

5. Enjoying your own company is the reward.
   • To be able to have a solid sense of Self - whether you are with people or alone - is what you want to happen. 
   • There is NOTHING better than enjoying your own company!!!

Unleashed Anger is Abuse

Are you living with someone whose anger is out of control?  Unleashed anger is a form of emotional abuse.  Ask yourself the following questions:

1. Does your partner’s rage scare you?
   • Be honest.  Do you recoil when your partner exhibits aggressive behavior?  Aggressive behavior is designed to shut you up, to cause you to back away, to scare you. 
   • Anger comes in many forms – verbal as well as physical – psychological as well as emotional and mental. 

2. Do you think about everything you say before you say it?
   • If part of this scenario is that you have a “walking on eggs” relationship that means you are tiptoeing around the other person; you are afraid of the other’s reaction.
   • Continually thinking what you are going to say before you say it is a form of torture and yet many people live this way.  There is nothing worse than constantly going over your words, trying to make sure you say the right thing.  Once you are in this place, regardless of what you say, it will not be the right thing.

3. Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?
   • Do you feel belittled and diminished in this relationship?  When you express your feelings do you end up wishing you hadn’t? 
   • Do you struggle to be taken seriously?  At some point do you feel worn down and just give up?  Remember – this is the goal of rage and anger and if you continue to participate in this process, it will only get worse.

4. Does your partner go for the jugular, saying things to wound you?
   • Knowing another is an honor and when your vulnerabilities are used against you, there is nothing worse.  Going for the jugular means that your partner knows exactly what to say to hurt you that will immediately STOP the conversation and cause you to retreat.

5. Does your partner throw away your belongings, destroy objects and   threaten pets?
   • If this is happening, you need to leave immediately. 
   • Physical violence happens in an instant but builds gradually.  It is only a matter of time before this relationship escalates into physical abuse.