Chandra Unplugged - No nonsense, Straight-up blogging from a Life Coach

Are You Living With an Emotional Bully?

Are you living with an emotional bully?  This is abusive behavior that has long lasting effects and can cripple you for life.  This is behavior you can stop.

 

Understand that abusive behavior is psychological as well as physical.

• Emotional bullies are abusive, verbally and mentally. 
• Remember, no one just gets up one day and just hits another person. 
• Abuse is gradual and builds over time.  All physical abuse started out as emotional abuse. 

Immediately set boundaries.  You are being bullied because you allow it.

• Sometime when the abuse has been going on for awhile, you are very isolated, without friends and family. 
• This is what the abuser is counting on. 
• Reach out and ASK for help – from anyone who will listen!!

Going for the jugular is a sign of emotional abuse.  It destroys people and relationships and nothing good can come of it.

• When your most sacred secrets are used as a weapon to hurt you, you are being abused.
• There is nothing uglier than this. 
• It is a betrayal of all that is loving and good.

Use discipline and do not participate in the interchange.  Leave the room; go for a drive, if necessary.

• There is only one way to survive and that is not to engage on any level. 
• I know it is difficult to walk away, but the only way to stop the abuse is to not participate on any level.
• You have to TOTALLY disengage.

Seek professional help if you cannot change the situation on your own.

• Once you do this – the rest will follow. 
• This is the first step in the long process of healing.
• This will take time but at some point you WILL heal. 

 

Being Alone New Year's Eve!

 

Make it a choice - Understand there are million things you could do…. and you are staying home.

It’s always better to be alone than with someone you don’t really like – pretending is so hard.

Nothing is worse than forcing yourself out because all your friends are going – toast yourself at midnight and sleep well.

Relieve the pressure – see New Year’s Eve as just another night.

Make a New Year’s resolution – to spend time only with people who make you feel good.

 

The Key To Internet Dating

 

Do You Have Intimacy in Your Friendships?

 

 
Are you aware of not having intimacy in your friendships? Being intimate is always about you, not the other person. The choices you make create your relationships and define who you are.

 We all have a dark side, a side we want to keep hidden, afraid if we share it, it will come back to haunt us.  But what really haunts us is what we keep hidden.  It takes a whole lot more energy to be secretive and "private" than it does be be open and connected.  Besides, once we open up we are relieved, and realize our secrets were not such a big deal.  After all, we are all human and it is through that humanity that we are connected.  Nothing feels better than being known and accepted for who we really are - the dark side as well as the light.  This is the core of intimacy. 

     1. Anyone who wants real intimacy will at some point stop complaining. 

• Being intimate is ALWAYS about you; it represents your degree of openness.
• If you are in a relationship that lacks intimacy, ask yourself why you are staying.  What excuses are you making?
• If the other person refuses to be open, you can accept the relationship will only go so far and take it for what it is - an acquaintance.  

    2. You must be willing to self-disclose.  This is most important!

• Unless you are willing to let another person in, you will never have intimacy.
• Are you two thieves in the night? Are you best friends?
• Intimacy is about trust. Do you trust her/him with your vulnerabilities?

    3.You cannot wait for the other person to do it first. If you do, it will never happen.

• This says it all!
• Being guarded and protected is the opposite of love.  Secrets push people away. 
• Getting to know another takes time; allow the process to happen naturally. 

    4. You must be vulnerable to be intimate.

• Are you able to share feelings that only you feel?
• This kind of intimacy comes from being open and real.
• When you are intimate with yourself – you know who you really are – only then can you be intimate with another.

    5.  Unless you are comfortable with yourself, you can never be intimate with another.

• Intimacy is about accepting your dark side as well as your light.
• Have you made peace with your demons?  We all have them.
• We love the most the ones who love and accept us.

Do You Have A "Walking on Eggs Relationship?

 

Why Chemistry Is Really Important

Have you often wondered why you are attracted to one person and not another?

• There is magic to chemistry, a feeling of fitting with another person. It is based on how the other person smells, looks, feels. It is one of the few things in life we do not have to think about. (That, in and of itself, is a huge relief and something that feels good.)

Chemistry bypasses the brain – it is not about what you think, but what you feel.

• Thank God there is something that by passes the brain. Oftentimes clients come to me when things have gotten really bad. The first thing I say to them, “I know right now you don’t like her and she doesn’t like you and you are probably not being intimate with one another, but at one time, was the chemistry good?” If they say, “Not really, the chemistry was never really great.” I say, “OK, probably ready to call it a day”. But if they say, “Yes, at one time, the chemistry was really good”, I often feel there is a chance to re-build.
• Chemistry is the one thing I can’t touch, can’t make better. Either you have it with someone or you don’t. You can’t learn to have chemistry. We are hard-wired for chemistry, it is in our DNA.

It is a beginning and gives the go-ahead signal for another “date”. It lets you know this is worth another look.

• Chemistry alone can never go the distance but it is necessary for a second look. No matter how much money a person makes, when the lights go down, it is just the two of you, bare, without all the rationalizations (for no chemistry). Remember, it will not go the distance alone, but is essential for us to look further.

Its absence will always leave you feeling empty and wanting.

• It is a funny thing about chemistry. Even if we have never had it with someone, we know when we don’t have it? Have you ever thought about this? How do we know we don’t have something that we have never had? Ahhhh…that connection feels like home!!

It is the glue that holds it all together.

• Regardless of how wonderful your relationship might be, there are always times when you just don’t like the other person. After all, we are all different. What makes you want to re-connect with that person after you have been angry and distant? Once again, it is chemistry, that feeling that bypasses thinking and instantly connects you to another. When you have chemistry with your partner, you will often see him walking across the room and say to yourself, “I’m really angry at him, but if he’ll just be quiet and not say a word, and come over here and lie down next to me, I think I can get through this”.

The True Nature of Anger - The Underbelly is Sadness

   

Change is Stressful - Take a Breath!

I have been in the same office for the last two years. I ended up there in a rather serendipitous way – It happened to be just down the street from where I live, and the owner of the business was good friends with one of my closest friends. In short order, I looked at the space, had a visual of how I wanted it to look, and decided this was where I wanted to be. I never even looked anywhere else. The office is a business that buys Tampa real estate and manages the properties. It is comprised of several offices with one office that was unoccupied; that became my office. I liked everyone and they liked me; it was a good fit.

I found out three weeks ago that they need my office. They want to grow their business and my office is the only office available. I was really sad. When the owner told me – and by the way, he is also a good friend, I was totally taken by surprise. The first thing out of my mouth was, “But I don’t want to go anywhere”. Of course he said, “Take as long as you want,” but once someone tells me to go, I am already halfway out the door. I liked my office. I liked the way it looked, the way it smelled, the way it felt. I liked the shape of the room and the color of the walls; everything just seemed to work. I could feel I was holding on, and that didn’t feel good.

When one door closes and before another one opens, there is always the space in-between. That space originally manifests as a feeling of confusion, what St John calls dark night of the soul. But the space between one door closing and other one opening is where all the good stuff happens. It takes awhile for things to manifest on the physical plane.  I hadn’t had trouble finding an office last time. How hard could it be?

When we are brave enough to stop resisting and surrender to what is, something magical happens. I looked at a few offices, made a bunch of phone calls, drove around. The owner of the office actually went to a building down the street (just 2 blocks from the office I was leaving,) told me he looked at offices for me but didn’t see one there that he thought I would like. He sent me a text and told me not to bother, but I ended up not getting it and went to the same building myself to see if anything was available. The offices they showed me I didn’t like and as I was leaving I said, “Isn’t someone leaving an office I could look at?” The property manager said, “Yes, someone is actually leaving next week.” We looked at the office and when she opened the door I felt like I had found my place. The walls had been painted a light and dark green – my favorite color – and I knew my furniture would work well. I decided to sign a year’s lease and move forward.

I set up a moving date with a client and his handyman to help me move. The day before the move my client called and asked if we could move on Thursday, rather than Friday. I re-arranged my schedule and we moved everything in Thursday. My brother helped me move the artwork earlier in the day so all that was left was the heavy furniture. The whole move took half an hour. Friday we had massive floods in Tampa. Not only could I not have moved on Friday but no one left the house. The rainfall was record breaking and the only thing to do that day was to stay put.

The minute I surrendered to “what is” everything just moved along with no glitches on the way. I don’t know what’s in store for me with my new office, but I know it will be good. Hope you enjoy the before and after. (New office not as green as pic.)
 
 

Making Peace With Dying

We had an interesting discussion in our group last week. One of the women’s best friend’s husband is dying from cancer. His cancer has returned with a vengeance, metastasized to many parts of his body, and the fight is on to save his life. His wife is his main cheerleader; not a moment goes by when she is not saying they can beat it, and that they will fight this to the end.  He is weary.

I also had an interesting week last week. My close friend Leela came to visit me from California – we hadn’t had a real life visit in more than five years. She got in late Friday night and early Saturday morning the phone was ringing. It was her sister from New Jersey reporting that that her older sister had just been taken to the hospital, that she appeared somewhat incoherent, and that they were getting ready to do some tests. Over the course of Saturday my friend went from having a sister who was reasonably healthy to one that was very sick. The first MRI showed many lesions on the brain, and the Pet scan showed a large mass on the right lung. The diagnosis
was Stage 4 lung cancer and the prognosis was not good, probably 6 months.

Dying is not easy to talk about. It’s not bad when you are not the one dying or someone close to you is not the one, but when it hits really close to home, it is not an easy subject to talk about.

In her book August, Judith Rosner says, “After the first death, there is no other.” What that means is that each loss brings up the initial loss; as a result, every loss is touched when there is one loss. In other words, there is no way to “feel” and deal with death unless you are brave enough to feel your own life and your own losses. And there is no way to live a human life without losing someone you love. Living and dying have
equal value in human life and to not feel one means that we do not ever truly
feel the other. To truly live, we must make peace with dying.

So much of our life is spent chasing happiness. I have a client that says, “I am afraid to feel my happiness because I feel if I do, it will go.” And I say, “Feel it because it will go.” Everything goes – happiness, sadness, all part of the human cycle of birth and death. Just as happiness goes, so does a broken heart heal over time. Everything moves and changes moment by moment. When we are willing to feel our feelings, we are in sync with the way the world unfolds and everything passes through us.

The key to dealing with death is to stay firmly rooted in the present moment. (By the way, it is the same way to deal with life, with happiness.) Being present allows us to deal with life as it comes; as a result, we surrender to what is and stop railing against reality. Being in the present moment is like being the batter in the batter box and hitting the ball whether it is a grounder or a fly. You are in the game – so play! As long
you stay present, you will be able to deal with anything the universe throws at
you.

So…do not tiptoe around death because it is not tiptoeing around you. I do not want to die but if I were to die tomorrow I would be okay. I have made my peace. I do not have a bucket list but if I did and if there was anything on it, I would be doing it now.

Everything lives and dies; nothing escapes this inherent cycle. To live with death sitting on your left shoulder actually sets you free to live life.

Are You Feeling Nothing?

Do you have a spouse and children, a job you go to everyday and a life that appears busy and full, and yet on the inside you feel numb?   If you are simply going through the motions of a life but feel nothing, learn why feeling something, anything, is better than feeling nothing at all.

 

1. Ask yourself: Are you flat-lined? 
   • Feeling something, anything, is better than feeling nothing at all.
   • Being “flat-lined” means we do not react appropriately.  Everything seems the “same”.
   • You also lose your sense of humor.

 

1. When the mind is on overload, the heart closes.
   • You have to feel to have a good life.
   • If all your energy is above the neck, the mind is racing and the heart stays closed.
   • Quieting the mind is the key to moving the energy from above the neck to below it, into the heart area.  This is where you feel things.

 

1. Alcohol, drugs and medication make you more numb.   Stop these.
   • Sometimes we just need a break from the frantic-ness and don’t know the right way to slow it down.  We take medication to better deal but then end up not dealing at all. 
   • If you do not feel “at home” in your own body, you are most probably over-medicated.
   • Alcohol and drugs are band-aids that will eventually be ripped off to expose the wound below.

 

1. Be brave and stop making excuses.  Be brutally honest with yourself.
   • You did not get here overnight and you will not be “cured” tomorrow. 
   • Along the way you made lots of decisions that were not in your best interest and now you are living the results of those decisions.  It will take time to chart a new course and feel the result of these new decisions.
   • Unless you are willing to do the work, nothing will ever change.

 

1. Feeling is our natural state – feel just one thing to begin the process.
   • Sometimes when we have been shut down for a long time, beginning to feel is an arduous process.  We have to re-train ourselves to not retreat emotionally, to not abuse drugs and alcohol, and to not over-medicate. 
   • Stepping into life takes bravery and requires stick-to-it-ness. 
   • When you are willing to what it takes to change old ways that no longer work, you are rewarded with feeling.